


Teach Me To Breathe

by WhoTheBuckIsStucky



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Daddy Kink, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, I'm serious guys this is heavy stuff like, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Porn With Plot, Proceed with caution, Slow Burn, Smut, Sorry Not Sorry, Suicide Attempt, anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 06:26:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 32
Words: 44,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7033417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhoTheBuckIsStucky/pseuds/WhoTheBuckIsStucky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Subaek because I'm trash for them and they're both angels so why not. Beware, ah, this is very angsty. A lot of discussions of homophobia in general. There will be smut and it will be kinky (by which i mean daddy kink because suho is daddy im really sorry if you're not okay with that, i'll make bold declarations over the chapters that have it and you can skip it if you want) but there will also be a lot of fluff and hopefully humor, and definitely tears. </p><p>It is something about growing up a little bit in the dark. It's something about being overobservant and socially awkward. And it's something about falling too easy and expecting someone to always catch you. They don't, you know. ".......I still want to drown/whenever you leave/please teach me gently/how to breathe........."<br/>(based a tiny bit on "Shelter" by Birdy)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. [1]

**Author's Note:**

> This is a topic that is rather close to my heart, but know that it is written a bit from the "I" perspective in that I am going off my own experiences here, which means that it is not totally in alignment with what others may have experienced. I am in no way trying to invalidate those experiences by saying that this is an important one!

[1] it’s a sort of feeling you get after you get used to being lonely. Kind of like that feeling after you’ve been hungry long enough that your stomach just gives up on growling. Some kind of empty, but numbed around the edges. A false padding to a fall, breathing in because you think it feels good, but the awareness that each exhale is gonna hurt like hell. Except each breath is slow, everything is slow, and there’s no way to speed it up, so when you’re not hurting directly you know it’s gonna come and it’s just looming and when you are hurting it feels like forever, and there’s no way to speed it up—

And so Baekhyun finds himself on the swings.

It’s a bit like breathing, when you think about it—up and down (in and out), and you can control how fast you go. Or maybe it’s that on the swings, you can, if you want to, forget to breathe. Try it. Go find a swingset, preferably a tall one with really long chains, and get going. Go so high you hitch at each peak, almost launch out of your seat. And then— close your eyes. Go on a sunny day and the shadows of light that flicker through your eyelids will make you feel like you’re flying. Go on a windy day to feel like a ghost. Go on a rainy day to feel like a beautiful fish, shimmery and uncatchable.

Go on any day if you want to know, just for split seconds at a time, what it’s like to fall.

Baekhyun wouldn’t call himself suicidal, per say. Just in search of freeing things. Obviously the best way to feel like falling is to actually fall, like jumping off a tall building or a bridge, but despite everything Baekhyun doesn’t really feel like dying. Again, not suicidal. At least not actively so; he’s not going to go out of his way to die. If something were to happen… so be it. That’s fine. The problem is that while Baekhyun has a hard time finding things to live for, he also has a hard time finding things to die for.

So it balances out. _Passively_ suicidal, then, if you will.

Baekhyun is struck out of his reverie by the ring of his cellphone. “Dammit,” he mumbles, skidding his feet against the ground, trying to fumble for his cellphone and slow down to a manageable speed at the same time. “I thought I silenced this.” He finally manages to get his phone out of his pocket. It’s Hayun, Baekhyun’s 10-year-old sister. “Hey,” Baekhyun says in a softer tone. “What’s up?”

“Baekhyun, where are you?” Hayun asks. She sounds a little scared.

“I’m… I’m just at the park.”

“Can you come home? Please?”

“I’m fine,” Baekhyun says softly. “I will.”

“Okay. I just… I thought I would see you more. Now that… but I don’t.”

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun says, and thinks _Hayun is one thing to live for_.

“Even if he’s not in your life anymore, it’s still like he’s stealing you from me.”

“Don’t say that.” _The breakup, horrible, drawn-out—is one thing to die for_.

“Come home.”

“I am.” Baekhyun stands, and is surprised to find his legs shaking. “I’m on my way.”

In case you were wondering, today is a sunny day. Flying feelings don’t come so easy when you’re alone and you’re the only one who holds you up. Okay. Baekhyun’s friends are good. His family, also wonderful. Well, mostly. But there is something that you can’t really get from either, sometimes, if you need it. Some people don’t, and that’s just fine. At times, Baekhyun would endeavor to say that’s better, easier, lucky. But the fact remains that Baekhyun needs it. He used to have it. And now he doesn’t.

These sorts of thoughts carry Baekhyun to his front door. Entering his own home is always scary now. He doesn’t know what is waiting for him—it’s always _what if they found something somehow and they’ve found and they’re going to kick me out and who will take care of Hayun who will take care of Hayun?_

They haven’t yet. Found out. That Baekhyun is gay. His had parents thought that they were just friends (just chums, good buds, all that). Which was a laugh at the time but rather painful now. Only Hayun knew, and understood. Baekhyun is always grateful for that, for her.

To be honest, he wasn’t 100% totally sure if his parents weren't okay with it. They weren’t religious, but contrary to popular belief homophobia isn’t always tied to religion. Just take… well. Baekhyun could think of some examples. Either way, he wasn’t going to risk it.

“Where’s Mom and Dad?” Baekhyun asks as he kicks off his shoes.

“Out still,” Hayun says, fidgeting. “Come to your room.”

“What’s going on? Stop tugging, please. Why do you look so worried?” Hayun doesn’t answer, just gestures harder for Baekhyun to come down the hall. She pushes his door open, and there, pacing, is—

“What is Jun— _Suho_ — doing here?” Baekhyun asks a bit coldly, refusing to look back at his ex-boyfriend. _We said it was safer this way, we said we would try not to see each other again, I made him promise to make it easier, because we couldn’t risk—_

Hayun’s bottom lip trembles slightly. “I just… Junmyeon-oppa-stops-by-every-now-and-then-and-I-still-talk-to-him-even-if-you-don’t-but-I-told-him-you’ve-been-a-bit-strange-lately-and-I-guess-he-got-worried-and-so-I-called-you-because—” It comes out as a flood, and then suddenly she stops, her breath hitching in her throat. Baekhyun sees tears in her eyes. “Because I’m worried about you too!” The tears come streaming out now, and she is sobbing. “Please don’t be mad, I just—I just want things to be right!”

Baekhyun feels his mouth turn downwards involuntarily, the way it only does when he sees people he loves hurting. He bends over and sweeps his little sister into a hug— _Hayun is something to live for, Hayun is something to live for HayunHayunHayun—_ and pets her hair gently. “Please don’t cry. Please—I’m sorry I’ve been worrying you. I’m not mad, you were just worried, it’s okay.” He feels his own tears on his cheeks, something he hasn’t felt in months. They sting his skin. “I’m sorry, Hayun."

“Me too,” Hayun says with a sniffle. Her tears have died down somewhat, so Baekhyun stands, furiously trying to remove traces of his own crying, and faces Junmyeon.

“We… we need to talk,” Junmyeon says, soft. Just like Baekhyun remembers him.

“We said we were done. We said it was safer. We said— _you promised_ — you would let me go.” Baekhyun forces a childish tone out of his voice.

“Hayun says she’s worried about you, and I am too. Just because we aren’t seeing each other doesn’t mean I don’t see you.” Junmyeon closes his eyes briefly and takes a breath. “I miss you.”

Baekhyun’s throat closes. He fights for air, then replies, “Fine. We’ll talk. Hayun—”

“Yeah?”

“Let us know if Mom and Dad come home.”

“Uh-huh.”

Baekhyun steps into his room, finally, and shuts the door behind him. “What,” he asks flatly.

“Baekhyun…” Suddenly the other looks lost. He rubs his temples for a moment, gaze cast on the floor. When he looks up, his eyes are glassy. “Why do you close your eyes when you’re on the swings?”

“How do you—I did that around you—right.” Baekhyun feels a little frozen. He lowers himself onto his bed, and Junmyeon takes an awkward seat on the floor. “It’s more fun that way?”

He knows Junmyeon doesn’t believe him. There’s a silence; Junmyeon shifts. Baekhyun looks out the window.

“You know,” Junmyeon says after a moment. “There’s a chance that it’ll be fine.”

“I don’t want to risk the chance that it won’t,” Baekhyun whispers. Junmyeon nods in a resigned way and closes his eyes again. “Remember when we first met?” It seems like this is Junmyeon’s last heave—if it doesn’t work, Baekhyun’s pretty sure he’s just going to climb out the window and go home.

“Of course. Suho, what—”

“Don’t use that name like a weapon. You call me Junmyeon.”

“I used to.”

“You still do in your head.” Junmyeon’s eyes are sad and a tiny part of Baekhyun is angry that he is right, but mostly he’s just sad with him.

“Fine. Junmyeon. What are you trying to say?”

“I’m trying to get you to remember me.” Junmyeon scoots closer and goes up on his knees, gently resting his elbows on Baekhyun’s thighs.

“You don’t have to try.” Baekhyun faces the wall at first, but can’t help but look down at Junmyeon. He places his hands on Junmyeon’s forearms. “I remember you. Every time I close my eyes.”

Junmyeon closes his for the third time and bows his head. Baekhyun tucks his chin in as well and lets his own eyes flutter shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eheh, ahm, so this kind of sets the tone of this one. It's angst, in case you haven't gathered. A lot of it. I love lighthearted stories so much, but... not every story is lighthearted. Please let me know what you think!


	2. [2]

It is the second week of school, and as a transfer sophomore, it’s still one of the most terrifying things that Baekhyun has ever experienced. He has no friends and still gets lost on the way to class. He spends a lot of his time in bathrooms and on the rooftop, with his feet dangling over the edge at watching the ground, five stories below.

 

The view, despite not being extremely high, is still dizzying. There’s always a part of Baekhyun that wants to jump off. Just let go. He’s a tiny bit curious as to what it would feel like—is it like flying? Swimming? Do you feel immortal for maybe just a moment? Do you hurt a lot when you hit the ground, or is it over before you realize you don’t have wings?

 

It’s only a small part, though, and from what he’s seen, it’s in everyone. Naturally, most humans want to survive. But there’s a small part in all of us that makes us want to do very self-destructive things. Generally, the survival instinct wins out. Sometimes it doesn’t, of course, but it’s not the majority. Baekhyun sees them, doing the same thing he does when he walks to the edge of the roof, so that his toes are just inches from the dropoff, and closes his eyes. It’s not the same thing as taking reasonable risks, nor is it necessary reckless (subconsciously, Baekhyun is pretty sure, everyone knows exactly what they are doing. Recklessness is when you charge head on into something highly dangerous without a second thought). It’s in the way the boys with skateboards will wait as long as they possibly can before jumping off and catching their boards to go up the stairs. It’s in the way that one group of girls always keeps an earbud in during class, just hidden by a curtain of thick, dark hair. It’s in the way kids stand on top of cars, going fast down roads with sharp turns and they  _know_ that if any one thing goes wrong they’ll be thrown off and become roadkill. It’s in the way Baekhyun sees one girl watching another, with a gentle, fiery love, the way she tangles her fingers in the other girl's hair, reverent touches and reverent eyes, knowing,  _knowing_ that if anyone who cared looked closely the way Baekhyun did, they would be done for. 

 

So it is the third day of the second week of school, and Baekhyun is again spending his lunch with his feet dangling off the edge of the roof of the tallest building in school. He’s almost shocked off the building when the door behind him opens and a kid everyone calls Suho pokes his head out.

 

In retrospect, Baekhyun was so blind.

 

“Sorry,” Suho says. “I didn’t think you’d be sitting so close to the edge.”

 

“You could have killed me,” Baekhyun accuses, but there isn't much venom behind it. 

 

“I know. If you’ll believe me, I didn’t mean to.” A tiny smile breaks onto Suho’s face when he talks. “I’m Kim Junmyeon—but everyone calls me Suho.”

 

“I know,” Baekhyun says. He stands and dusts himself off, then extends a hand. “I’m Byun Baekhyun. No one calls me anything. I’m new.”

 

Suho takes his hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Baekhyun.”

 

“What are you doing up here?” Baekhyun asks curiously.

 

“Eating lunch, just like you.” Suho sits down a few feet from the edge and gestures Baekhyun to sit next to him. “I noticed you coming up here all the time. I just wanted to see what you do.”

 

“Well,” Baekhyun says, sitting. “I’m afraid you’re going to be a little disappointed. All I do is eat, and then sit and think. Sometimes I watch people, sometimes I lay back and watch the sky.”

 

“What do you see?” Suho asks, biting into a sandwich.

 

Baekhyun thinks of the boys with skateboards, the girls who always listen to music, the kids in the cars driving at breakneck speed down the street, the girls who are  _just friends, gal pals_ —but he can’t say all that. “Um,” he says, stalling. “People are a bit like clouds.”

 

Surprisingly, Suho doesn’t laugh. “Yeah?”

 

“Yeah. They pass by in the same way, taking whatever shape the wind wants them to. We do, too.” Baekhyun looks up at him. “You take the shape you are meant to take to fit into this sky.”

 

“You sound like poetry,” Suho says, cocking his head and giving him a serene look.

 

In retrospect, Baekhyun was so blind.

 

“No,” Baekhyun replies with a laugh. “I just think too hard. I have too much time to do so.”

 

“Do you ever write any of it down?” Suho asks.

 

“No.”

 

“You should.” Suho packs away the wrapping for the sandwich, and tilts his head up to the sky. “Show me what you see.”

 

So Baekhyun, without once questioning why one of the most charismatic, sweet, generally drama-free, and well-liked boys in the school wanted to hang around him out of the blue, brought him to the edge of the building and shared with him the sky. They lay back, shoulder to shoulder, head to head, feet dangling off the roof and sometimes touching. Baekhyun gave Suho small pieces of beauty and with them Suho wove a safety net.

 

A couple months pass in this way—meeting for lunch, sometimes going to coffee shops together to study. Baekhyun is invited to call Suho Junmyeon instead, and Junmyeon takes to calling him Baek when he is too lazy to go past the first syllable. Baekhyun seems so good at making Junmyeon laugh. He comes to know a few of Junmyeon’s friends, who in turn open up to him with wide, lazy smiles and “if you’re his friend and I’m his friend then you and I are also friends.” 

 

In all the scenarios Baekhyun had run through his head, Happy and Accepted was not one of them. He goes out to get bubble tea with Oh Sehun on Monday afternoons, hangs out with Zhang Yixing in a free they share twice a week, goes out shopping with Huang Zitao, tries to get Wu Yifan to teach him basketball, learns new dishes from Do Kyungsoo (or, rather, ate the food that the other boy made), goes to movies and dinners with Park Chanyeol, goes to work out sometimes with Kim Minseok. Luhan, a skinny, handsome theater kid, lets him hang out backstage, where he picks up tidbits of both theater prod and acting. Kim Jongdae comes to him often with rough recordings of covers to listen to. Kim Jongin shows him different dance routines when they are bored. 

 

He always saves lunchtime for Junmyeon, though. It is mostly because, except Luhan, everyone else has a different lunch period. Luhan doesn’t want to join them because he is rather afraid of heights, so they don't even need to turn him down. As winter blows in, Junmyeon and Baekhyun bring blankets and tarps to sit on. When it becomes too wet and slippery to go to the edge of the roof, where rainwater seems to like to collect, they move under the slight shelter of the entrance to the stairs, still outside, still able to see the graying skies.

 

On a particularly cold day, both boys are bundled under a couple layers of blankets, curled up together, backs to the wall, with Baekhyun’s head resting on Junmyeon’s shoulder, Junmyeon’s arm wrapped around Baekhyun’s body. They are not speaking, just watching the rain fall.

 

“When I was a kid,” Baekhyun says after a moment. “My little sister somehow became convinced that rain was because a big dog in heaven was shaking water off himself after a nice swim."

 

"That's so optimistic," Junmyeon says. 

 

"She always is," Baekhyun agrees. 

 

"So does your family believe in heaven?" 

 

"No," Baekhyun says. "We're very scientific. Death is death, that's all my parents have ever said. What about you?"

 

"I'm religious," Junmyeon tells him. "Not extremely so, but I believe that there's... Something. You know?"

 

"I see that," Baekhyun says. 

 

"My dad was raised pretty religious, but he was much mellower than his parents, so my brother and I ended up being pretty mellow, too," Junmyeon continues. "But yeah, I, ah, I guess this is me coming out to you?" He gives one short, nervous laugh. "Because they're okay with it, which is something."

 

"What about that whole 'God hates gays' thing? I'm not trying to accuse, I just see it a lot--"

 

"They believe that God loves all His children. They also believe firmly in loving their children no matter what."

 

"Sorry," Baekhyun quickly apologizes. "I didn't mean to be insensitive. I'm--I'm gay too, and I just hear all the churches talking about it and--"

 

Suddenly tears swim in front of his vision. He'd known for a while that he was gay, and he told his little sister about a year prior, but never his parents. And never anyone else. And now he'd just let it roll off his tongue, and granted Junmyeon wasn't about to condemn him for it, but  _still_ \--

 

"Hey, don't cry," Junmyeon says softly, swiping Baekhyun's tears away. "It's hard to say it at first. I know."

 

"I'm sorry," Baekhyun says, trying to keep his voice smooth. "I'm so dumb, I've just never told anyone except my sister before and I really thought it would be fine, I'm just so scared because--because--"  _because I don't know what my parents will say, because it's always something I've tried to suppress, because it's scary to say a word that small and suddenly attach to myself all sorts of stigmas and stereotypes and, perhaps even more terrifying, truths_ \--

 

He's ugly sobbing now, tears of salt and forced silence, before he can stop it, but Junmyeon isn't pulling away. Instead, he pulls out a tissue and hands the soft paper over to Baekhyun, who uses it to hide his face. He feels Junmyeon's hand in his hair, petting reassuringly, even and metered, helping him breathe. 

 

"It's okay," Junmyeon says. "It's gonna be okay."

 

Looking back, Baekhyun realizes that it was really those words that let him settle. Not right away, not the instant they left Junmyeon's mouth, but it was those words that would echo in his ears when his stomach was twisted into a knot worse than earphones left in a pocket. It was those words that helped his heart beat smooth, helped him sleep calm even when it felt like his bed was a lost ship at sea. 

 

That day, it takes a while for Baekhyun to calm down. Junmyeon stays with him the whole time, forces his head up so he can wipe his tears away, steadies Baekhyun's trembling hands and rabbit heart. They are late to class, but Baekhyun doesn't care. 


	3. [3]

It is the summer before ninth grade, and Baekhyun is waiting for the moon to rise.

 

Baekhyun had always preferred moonlight. Maybe it was because you can look right at the moon and not burn your eyes, maybe it was just that the moon seemed gentler. Maybe it was because the moon seems more willing to keep your secrets. The first person he comes out to is not in fact Hayun, but the moon. He has a window by the foot of his bed in his room, and he kneels now on the bed, with his elbows resting on the windowsill, looking up at the sky. He waits for the moon to rise, and when he can finally see the whole thing, he whispers, “I think I’m gay,” as quietly as possible.

 

The stillness of the night seems to be listening.

 

For an instant, he wishes he could shout it. He wants to just scream into the late July air, air that is heavy with sweat and the smell of sunscreen. 

 

He can’t hold it in. Quickly, quietly, and still in random shorts and a t-shirt, Baekhyun slips out of the house in old running shoes and sprints down the streets. It is late at night and no one is out. He runs with some kind of reckless abandon, letting memory take him, going too fast around corners. His own quiet words from the windowsill ring in his ears and somehow it feels like he  _had_ shouted it, that his whole family, that the whole world knows, and now he has to run away—or cleanse himself somehow so that they’ll forget. His feet pound down the cement until he can’t see, until his lungs feel full of hot coals, until he’s afraid they’re all going to tumble out and burn his heart—

 

He reaches the beach and kicks off his shoes, jumping down into the sand. It’s still hot from the sun that day but he doesn’t care, keeps running, slips and staggers, but manages makes it to the water. He lunges in, slowing considerably, and just keeps walking and walking until he’s almost chest deep. It isn’t freezing the way it is in the winter, but it isn’t terribly warm, either. He faces the open ocean and opens his mouth and—

 

Nothing comes out.

 

Instead, he heaves ragged breaths, and tears stream down his face and hit the salty water that is soaking through all his clothes. He wades in deeper until the water level is just below his chin. It cools the coals in his chest. It’s not a permanent fix, though. He knows he’ll be coughing up smoke for years.

 

Baekhyun dunks his head into the water and stays under for a bit, blowing up little bubbles of air until he feels faint and dizzy. He isn’t sure if it’s from lack of oxygen or just his thoughts, swimming around his head as he hugs himself, hands clutching his shoulders and fingernails digging into his skin through the sleeves of his shirt.  _This isn’t normal this isn’t how I was supposed to turn out I was supposed to be perfect I was supposed to be a model son—_ he resurfaces with a gasp and brushes his hair and the water out of his eyes. 

 

There, shivering gently in reflection on top of the sea, is the moon. He watches it until his heart slows back down. There is something peaceful about the sea when it is calm, when the waves are slight and roll past your body gently. 

 

Baekhyun cups his hand and raises water to his head and pours it over himself. The water is cold against his still-flushed skin. It runs down his face and leaves tracks like tears. He closes his eyes against it, breathes in the salty smell and breathes out tiny puffs of isolation. He imagines his breath crystalizing for a moment in the moonlight before disappearing into the air. He imagines the waves washing over his body and building armor, some kind of shield against the world. He imagines these moon waves surrounding him entirely and keep these words sacred and safe, out of everyone’s sight.

 

He never learned to pray; both Baekhyun and his sister were raised atheist. But he tries his best now—he prays to the moon, the only kind of god he knows. His mother, on more sentimental nights, used to tell him that the side of the moon that we don’t see is the side that protects secret love. Whether it is true or not, he prays to it now.  _I can’t help how I am. I wish I could. I wish I could make myself to be the most favorable in the world’s eye, but there are some things I cannot control. This is one of them. Please help me protect it._  


 

He stays in the water until he begins to shiver, and then he slowly makes his way out of the brine. He wrings out his socks as best he can, and slips his feet back into his shoes. Dripping wet, he walks home. The moon follows him the whole way.

 

No one is awake when he slips back in the front door. He locks it behind him, leaving his damp shoes on the front porch to dry. The night breeze had blown some of the water in his clothes away, so he doesn’t leave puddles as he goes down the hall to the bathroom. He hangs his wet things to dry and towels off his hair. It is one a.m. He decides to save a shower for tomorrow, so he finds a pair of boxers and another t-shirt, and crawls into bed, exhausted.

 

He’s been finding salt in his bed and in his clothes and in his hair ever since. It’s been ages, but it’s still there. He isn’t sure where it is from, but when he sees the full moon on certain nights, sometimes he thinks he knows.

 

(He also finds ash under his fingernails and on the corners of his windowsills. He smells smoke when there isn’t a fire, and he is very sure he knows where it’s coming from.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that it was kinda short!!


	4. [4]

It is Baekhyun’s first time to Junmyeon’s house. He has never met Junmyeon’s parents before, and he is pleased to find that they are normal and gentle, like their son, with warm eyes. Mrs. Kim even hugs him, telling him Junmyeon’s told her all about him, and she’s so glad she finally gets to meet him. Baekhyun blinks rather dazedly and thanks her.

 

"Let's go to my room and work until dinner is ready," Junmyeon says, gesturing for Baekhyun to follow him up the stairs. Baekhyun follows willingly, and enters Junmyeon's neat, simple bedroom. He has a desk, a couch, a bed, and a dresser. Pale blue curtains flutter around a slightly opened window. It is well-lit, and Baekhyun looks up and sees a skylight overhead. 

 

"This is nice," Baekhyun says sincerely. 

 

"Thanks," Junmyeon says. He drops down onto the couch. "I don't have two chairs, unfortunately, so we can't use the desk. Come here. Sit."

 

Baekhyun does, pulling out some math homework. Junmyeon pulls out a novel he's reading for class, and they settle into a comfortable silence. Eventually, Baekhyun shifts so that his head is resting against Junmyeon's shoulder. Junmyeon stretches his arm out so that it is draped along the back of the couch running behind Baekhyun's head. They continue to work in silence. 

 

Baekhyun doesn't notice Junmyeon watching him from time to time. 

 

"Dinner's about ready," Mrs. Kim calls up the stairs. "Junnie, can you tell your brother? He probably has his music too loud to hear."

 

"Sure," Junmyeon calls back. 

 

"I heard you, Eomma!" Junmyeon's brother, Juwon, sticks his head of his his room. 

 

"Very good," Mrs. Kim says with a touch of dryness in her voice. 

 

Dinner is wonderful. Baekhyun tells Mrs. Kim that she is a really good cook, which is true. It is also fun to see how Junmyeon interacts with his family. His brother is hilarious, and Baekhyun keeps on almost choking on his food because he's laughing so hard. 

 

When Baekhyun offers to wash his plate, Mrs. Kim waves him off immediately. "You're a guest here! Those two don't even do their own dishes half the time."

 

"I do," Junmyeon says, taking Baekhyun's plate from him and leaving him standing awkwardly, empty handed, in the middle of the kitchen. "You're thinking of Juwon, Eomma."

 

"I'm a busy man," Juwon tosses over his shoulder as he strolls out of the kitchen.

 

Mrs. Kim shakes her head. "It's okay, I suppose," she says. "He does clean the entire house every weekend."

 

"I guess we all have our strengths, right?" Baekhyun offers with a small laugh. 

 

"Yeah, his is slacking off," Junmyeon says, but everyone knows he doesn't mean it. He dries his hands off. "Okay, I'm done."

 

"Are you guys done with homework?" Mrs. Kim asks. 

 

"No," Junmyeon says. "Not quite."

 

"Go ahead and do that then. I'll check on you guys before I head to bed, okay?"

 

"Okay," Baekhyun responds, bowing a couple times as he backs out of the kitchen. "Thank you for dinner!"

 

Back upstairs, they retake their positions on the couch to finish their homework. Junmyeon finishes his reading first, but he waits for Baekhyun to be done before he gets up to find pajamas. 

 

"I'm sleeping on the couch, right?" Baekhyun confirms. 

 

"What? No, I figured we could just share my bed. It's definitely big enough," Junmyeon says almost absently. 

 

"Oh! Okay," Baekhyun says, a little startled. 

 

Junmyeon looks at him with a slightly devious flicker in his eyes. "Like, no homo, though," he adds in a very put-on, surfer-dude kind of voice. 

 

Baekhyun laughs, managing to choke out a, "yeah, bro," before collapsing in another fit of laughter. 

 

They both change for bed and brush their teeth, and Junmyeon finds an extra blanket for Baekhyun because “I tend to steal them all,” and then they turn off the lights. The shades are still up, but the sun is already down, so only faint light comes through the windows. They curl up on Junmyeon’s bed, just breathing together.

 

“My mom likes you,” Junmyeon says out of the blue.

 

“How do you know?” Baekhyun asks. 

 

Junmyeon’s lips curl into a smile. “She looks at you the same way she looks at me and Juwon. Well, almost. I don’t think it will ever be exactly the same, but—you’re close.”

 

“She only met me a couple hours ago,” Baekhyun says.

 

“I only saw you once or twice before I decided I wanted to follow you up to the roof,” Junmyeon says off-handedly. “You just seem nice.”

 

“ _Seeming_ nice and actually  _being_ nice are two different things,” Baekhyun points out.

 

“You trying to say you don’t think you’re nice?” Junmyeon asks, propping himself up on one elbow, looking a little concerned.

 

“No—I don’t know,” Baekhyun says. “It’s just weird to call myself nice. It’s weird to say those kinds of things about yourself.”

 

“Well, I guess that’s why everyone has other people in their lives to say those things for them,” Junmyeon says.

 

“Mm,” Baekhyun agrees.

 

It is silent for at least a half an hour after that. They lie side by side, under separate blankets. Baekhyun is so sure his thoughts are loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear.  _I like Junmyeon,_ he thinks to himself. It feels like an elementary school, playground kind of crush, because he feels a little giddy and the thing he wants the most is just to hold Junmyeon’s hand. 

 

He can’t, of course. 

 

It’s not just that he thinks Junmyeon will reject him.

 

“Look,” Junmyeon whispers. Baekhyun turns his head and sees that Junmyeon’s eyes are glittering. “The skylight. It’s almost here.”

 

“What?” Baekhyun shifts his attention to the skylight, and sees a faint glow on one edge.

 

“The moon,” Junmyeon says.

 

The moon. Baekhyun feels a slight shiver go down his arms. 

 

Junmyeon felt it, too. “Are you cold?”

 

“No,” Baekhyun says. 

 

Junmyeon doesn’t believe him, and scoots closer. Baekhyun tries to breathe normally, watching the skylight avidly as the moon slowly moves into view.

 

The light touches Baekhyun’s face, and his chest that is still spewing smoke and dust when he exhales. It casts a spell on the room, seems to make time stop, seems to make everything right. 

 

“It protects us, you know,” Baekhyun says without thinking. “The moon.”

 

“Mm?” Junmyeon asks.

 

Baekhyun stretches his arm out towards the skylight and splays his fingers, blocking the moon slightly. “Well. It’s always protected me, I think.”

 

“Yeah?” Baekhyun looks over at Junmyeon. He is on his stomach, head turned to see the moon, and Baekhyun. “It sounds like there’s a story behind this.”

 

Baekhyun considers it. There is, but it’s not something he necessarily wants to share. Junmyeon seems so secure in his sexuality and so secure in himself. Baekhyun doesn’t want to appear as weak as he is.

 

“No,” he lies. “I’ve just always liked the moon.”

 

Junmyeon accepts this. They wait for the moon to pass by until it is out of sight again. Mrs. Kim pokes her head in at one point to say goodnight. Junmyeon closes all the shades and then makes his way back under the covers. They say goodnight to each other. Baekhyun takes a while to fall asleep, tracing the lines of Junmyeon’s face with his eyes.

 

When he wakes up the next morning, he is surprised to find himself curled into Junmyeon’s chest, with Junmyeon’s arm tucked firmly around him, fingers pressed lightly into his back. 

 

“Sorry,” Junmyeon says with a small smile. “Sometimes I cuddle when I sleep. It’s a habit.”

 

“’S’okay,” Baekhyun replies, trying to hide his burning cheeks.


	5. [5]

“It isn’t easy,” Junmyeon admits right away when Baekhyun asks about coming out to his parents. “I knew what my parents thought before I came out, but it still wasn’t easy for me.”

 

“How did it go?” Baekhyun asks, pulling his knees into his chest. It is a dry day, but still cold and a bit windy on the roof. 

 

“Well…”

 

Junmyeon had been thirteen. He had known from the start his parents were completely okay with homosexuality. But there was always the fear that they were really not. A lot of people say that it’s totally okay, but then suddenly it enters their life and they take a step back. Maybe it’s not on purpose, but either way it’s enough to make you feel unsafe.

 

Junmyeon let it eat at him for months. He didn’t tell anyone at first. He wrote it down on pieces of paper, only to shred them up and toss them in the dumpster at the end of the sidewalk. He practiced saying it in front of the mirror.

 

He decided to come out to his friends first. When he did, he was a bit shocked by their nonchalance. It was just, “Cool, good that you figured that out. Congratulations.” It was very sincere and not a big deal. And that was it.

 

It was that reaction that gave him courage. So, one night at dinner, Junmyeon took a deep breath, and said, “Mom, Dad—and I guess Juwon too—I have something to tell you guys. I, um, I’m gay.”

 

“You owe me thirty,” Mrs. Kim said to Mr. Kim, who had put his head in his hands, shoulders shaking with laughter. “I knew he would trust us enough to come out before high school.”

 

“How—?” Junmyeon asked, taken aback.

 

“We heard you practicing in the mirror a few weeks ago,” Mr. Kim said with a smile. “I didn’t think you’d do it until you were in high school. I bet your mom thirty dollars.”

 

“What we’re saying is, that’s fine,” Mrs. Kim said. “Whenever you were comfortable telling us was fine. I’m glad it was sooner rather than later. Will you pass the pepper, please?”

 

And Junmyeon passed the pepper to her, and it has been fine ever since.

 

“That’s kinda funny,” Baekhyun says, smiling as Junmyeon finishes his story.

 

“Yeah,” Junmyeon says. “Initially, I was kind of horrified that they heard me—I mean, good Christ, what else have they heard? But it’s chill, you know? They let me be, and they support me, and I respect them for that.”

 

“What did Juwon say?”

 

“He just told me I better not try and date his friends,” Junmyeon says with a laugh. “Not that I would’ve wanted to. Four years at that age was a big gap.”

 

“What about now?” Baekhyun asks, doing an eyebrow wiggle, fearing the answer.

 

“Nah,” Junmyeon replies, rubbing the back of his neck. “They’re all kind of gross. And really macho, like—you can practically smell the testosterone. It’s too much.”

 

“You sure the smell isn’t Axe?” Baekhyun says, grinning. 

 

“You know, now that I think about it…”

 

They laugh together, and then sit in silence for a bit. Junmyeon rests his cheek on Baekhyun’s shoulder.

 

“It’s probably going to be just fine,” Junmyeon says softly.

 

“I’m just afraid that it’s not.”

 

“If it isn’t, you can always come live with me. I’m serious. My mom will totally do it.”

 

“But who will take care of Hayun? I can’t do that to her.” Baekhyun sighs. “I know you mean well, Junmyeon. I know. I just… I can’t.”

 

“I’m not trying to force you to,” Junmyeon assures him, rubbing his back softly. “I’m just trying to stop you from worrying so much. You always worry.”

 

  
_I always have so much to worry about._ “Thank you,” Baekhyun says instead.


	6. [6]

It is a Friday night, and probably about the 28th time Junmyeon has been over at Baekhyun’s. It’s really winter now, mid-December and threatening snow. The two boys have just finished splitting wood—well, Junmyeon did the splitting. Baekhyun carried the logs to and from the house and watched Junmyeon (and his arms) through his eyelashes. Now, they are on the floor of the living room, chatting and entertaining Hayun as Baekhyun’s parents fix to go visit friends.

 

“Be good,” Baekhyun’s mother says as she slips her shoes on. “Junmyeon, take care of them for me.”

 

“Eommaaaaaa,” Baekhyun says in indignation, though he doesn’t really mind.

 

“Make sure Hayun gets to bed by nine,” Baekhyun’s father adds.

 

“Appaaaaa!” Hayun complains, but she is smiling.

 

Soon, the parents are down the driveway and then out of sight. Junmyeon stands and stretches. His shirt rises up a little bit.

 

“House to ourselves,” he says. “What do you wanna do?”

 

“Movie!” Hayun says immediately.

 

“Junmyeon makes really good chocolate pudding,” Baekhyun says slyly.

 

“Not right before bed!” Junmyeon admonishes.

 

“We still have a couple hours,” Baekhyun wheedles. “Besides, one night won’t kill us.”

 

“Please, Junmyeon-oppa?” Hayun crawls over to him and clutches the front of his sweats, attaching herself to his shins.

 

Junmyeon tries to glare at them both, but his eyes soften as soon as they meet Baekhyun’s. “Fine,” he relents. “But don’t tell your mom.”

 

“Yay!” Hayun leaps up, releasing Junmyeon, and skips into the kitchen.

 

Baekhyun is slower to his feet since he’s sore from carrying logs around. 

 

“Stiff?” Junmyeon asks, offering a hand. Baekhyun nods, taking it. “Me too. Let’s do massages for each other later, okay?”

 

“Sounds great,” Baekhyun agrees.

 

Hayun is sitting on a stool, spinning herself around in circles. Junmyeon gets out the cocoa powder and milk and all sorts of other things. Baekhyun is pretty sure Junmyeon knows his way around the Byun pantry better than Baekhyun himself at this point.

 

He watches Junmyeon’s focused movements as Hayun chatters away (“Can I have some of the chocolate powder, Junmyeon-oppa?” “No, it’s very bitter. I don’t think you want it.” “Ew, why would you ever buy bitter chocolate?” “It’s for cooking—see, I’m adding sugar right now to make the pudding sweet.”). Just like everything he does, his cooking is graceful and controlled. Before long, gooey chocolate is simmering on the stovetop.

 

“Baek, will you get a couple bowls out?”

 

“Sure.” Baekhyun turns to get a few from the cupboard and bumps into Junmyeon when he turns around, who is carrying a pudding covered spatial to the sink. “Ah! Sorry.” He places the bowls on the counter as Hayun fidgets and clinks a couple of spoons together.

 

“You have some pudding on your hand,” Junmyeon points out, using his own finger to wipe it off and licks his finger clean.

 

“ _Gross,”_ Baekhyun says good-naturedly, wiping what’s left on a napkin.

 

Junmyeon just laughs and begins dishing the pudding into bowls. He hands one to each person. Hayun gives a little yell when she first tastes it.

 

“Is it too hot?” Junmyeon asks with concern in his voice.

 

“No! It’s really good!” Hayun says. “You’re such a good cook.”

 

“Thanks,” Junmyeon says. Baekhyun can tell he’s still recovering from the near-heart attack. He smiles into his pudding.

 

Once the dishes (and Hayun’s sticky hands) are all clean, the three of them settle in the living room in front of the TV. Hayun wanted to watch  _The Princess Bride_ , and neither of the boys even want to argue. They all love the movie, so Hayun sits on the floor on a pillow, in between the TV and the couch, and Junmyeon and Baekhyun sit together on the couch in a familiar position, with Baekhyun’s head against Junmyeon’s shoulder, and Junmyeon’s arm outstretched along the back of the couch.

 

Baekhyun always gets sleepy during movies. He keeps on feeling himself nodding off but  _I can’t just fall asleep on Junmyeon. Besides, Hayun will tease me for days!_ It’s hard though. It’s getting late, and he’s kind of exhausted.

 

Then, he feels Junmyeon’s fingers in his hair. And he’s very awake after that.

 

He’s almost afraid to breathe, afraid it will ruin the moment. He’s frozen under Junmyeon’s hand, unsure of what to do.  _What does this mean?_ He’s so sure Junmyeon can hear that his heart is about to leap out of his chest.

 

Junmyeon doesn’t even look down at him or acknowledge that anything’s changed. Baekhyun sneaks a peek at his face after a couple minutes. He’s watching the movie, as serene as can be, but his fingers are still tangled in Baekhyun’s hair. 

 

Junmyeon withdraws his hand after maybe ten or fifteen minutes, but Baekhyun still finds it hard to move.  _Can I ask about it? No, I definitely can’t. What do I do?_ He barely pays attention to the rest of the movie.

 

Hayun is yawning as the credits begin to roll. 

 

“Well, it’s almost nine,” Junmyeon says, gently prodding Baekhyun off his shoulder so he can sit up all the way. “Go on, Hayun, go get ready for bed, okay? Baekhyun and I will come up to tuck you in when you’re done with your shower.”

 

“Okay,” Hayun says, giving another yawn and tottering off down the hall to her bedroom. 

 

Junmyeon yawns too, stretching again and lowering his head into Baekhyun’s lap. “We’re still doing massages, right? I can feel the lactic acid in my back…”

 

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says, grateful that he doesn’t sound hoarse.

 

“You almost fell asleep there, didn’t you?”

 

“You know I get drowsy when I watch movies. Besides, you make a really good pillow. I was comfortable,” Baekhyun defends.

 

“Well, I’m glad to hear my shoulder makes a good pillow.” Junmyeon rubs his face. “You have very soft hair, by the way.”

 

“Thanks,” Baekhyun says wryly. “Did you mess it up a lot?”

 

Junmyeon looks at him through his fingers. “I mean, yeah, but it doesn’t look bad. Actually, it looks great. It’s just not neat.” He takes his hands away from his face. “That didn’t bother you, did it? You could’ve said something.”

 

“No, it was fine,” Baekhyun says. “Kind of lulling, actually. I might’ve actually fallen asleep.”

 

“Heh. Whoops.” Junmyeon sits back up and groans in pain. “My arms are killing me!” he explains with a laugh. 

 

They hear the shower start. “Do you wanna change into more comfortable things? Maybe take a quick rinse?” Baekhyun suggests. “She always takes forever in the shower anyway.”

 

“Sure.” Junmyeon stands. “You first or me first?”

 

“I can just use the one upstairs.” Baekhyun stands also. “I just need to grab a change of clothes from my room.”

 

“Sounds good.” Junmyeon leads the way to Baekhyun’s room (Baekhyun is pretty sure Junmyeon knows his way around the Byun  _house_ better than Baekhyun himself at this point), rummaging through his bag as Baekhyun pulls out some shorts and a t-shirt.

 

Baekhyun takes a good look in the mirror once he's upstairs in the bathroom. His hair is very messy, yes, but Junmyeon was right--it doesn't look bad at all. He smiles at his reflection, some kind of giddy bubbles filling his chest.

 

The two boys reconvene in Hayun’s room. Baekhyun gets there first, and helps his little sister dry off her hair. Junmyeon arrives soon after, hair damp and smelling of lavender shampoo, and sits on the edge of Hayun’s bed as Baekhyun works his way towards tucking her in.

 

“Ok, which story?”

 

But Hayun just shakes her head, eyelids already fluttering shut. “Too tired,” she mumbles. “Movie was already a good enough story.”

 

“All right.” Baekhyun smooths her hair and, in a moment of sentimentality, gives her a kiss on the forehead before turning off the lights. “Sweet dreams, booger.”

 

“Don’t call me that,” the aforementioned mucus lump protests sleepily.

 

Baekhyun closes her door behind them with a small grin and turns to Junmyeon. “See? No pudding sugar high.”

 

“I see.” Junmyeon is smiling too. “God, you’re so nice to her. Juwon was not that nice to me.”

 

“Maybe you just have a more beat-up-able personality, hyung,” Baekhyun suggests, trotting down the hall in case the older tries to retaliate by inflicting pain. 

 

He doesn’t, of course. “That’s no way to speak to your hyung,” is all Baekhyun gets in response. “Yah, seriously. To pay for it, you’re giving me a massage first, and if I fall asleep before giving you yours, you’re just gonna have to suck it up.”

 

“Ooh, yikes. Remind me to never provoke your mean side again.”

 

Junmyeon just laughs, following Baekhyun into his room. He sits in the middle of the floor, watching as Baekhyun flicks off the lights, and then plugs in a nightlight.

 

“Okay, you win. Get on your stomach.” Baekhyun sits down next to Junmyeon as Junmyeon tilts forward onto his hands, stretching his legs out behind him.

 

“Could I have a pillow?”

 

“It’ll make your back curve, and then I might hurt you. So no,” Baekhyun says.

 

Junmyeon just gives a kind of grumble-hum, which Baekhyun takes as “you’re a dick, but I know it’s with my best interest in mind, so I’m already resigned to a pillowless massage.” 

 

And so, perhaps more than a bit nervous, Baekhyun leans over his crush and gently presses his hands into the boy’s shoulder blades. He hears Junmyeon exhale, so he kneads his fingers into the tight muscle.

 

There is a lot of Baekhyun that strains to give the back of Junmyeon’s neck a soft kiss when Junmyeon gives a soft “ah!” of pain.

 

He doesn’t. He just continues with the massage, eventually loosening Junmyeon’s shoulders up, not daring to work any lower than his waist. Finally, Junmyeon stretches a little, and tells him he’s done a good job.

 

“Your turn,” Junmyeon says with a yawn. 

 

“You—you don’t have to—I mean, it’s kind of late,” Baekhyun stutters out. It  _is_ late; it’s almost eleven, and the moon is bright and full in the sky, watching through that window at the foot of Baekhyun’s head and in that light Baekhyun might say something he doesn’t want to.

 

“No, I don’t want you waking up all complain-y tomorrow. Lie down.”

 

“Okay…” Baekhyun drops to the ground, resting his cheek on the backs of his hands. 

 

He feels Junmyeon’s hands on his back and he swears the moonlight swells. He closes his eyes against it, like that will change things.

 

Like that will stop him from falling in love. Like that will stop him from loving wrong.

 

“Relax,” Junmyeon murmurs. Baekhyun tries, he really does. 

 

Honestly, Baekhyun doesn’t remember much about it, about the massage, at all except for Junmyeon’s fingers pressing into his spine and it feels a little something like healing.

 

Once they are both sufficiently massaged and ready for bed, Baekhyun goes to close the blind, but pauses to look up at the sky.

 

“What,” Junmyeon asks from behind him.

 

“Moonlight is pretty,” Baekhyun says softly, closing the blind and crawling into bed.

 

“Tell me a story,” Junmyeon says.

 

“Happy or sad?”

 

“Whatever comes off your tongue first. I don’t care. I won’t tell anyone. I just want to hear a story from you.”

 

“All right.”

 

The blinds may be shut against the moonlight, but its power already has a hold over Baekhyun. He knows it. The smoke in his lungs is enchanted by it, gives him the opportunity to breathe. He has to repay that, by using that breath for what the moon thinks he should. 


	7. [7]

It’s what happens when you hold something in for too long, Baekhyun guesses. He tells Junmyeon all about the the ocean and the moon (minus the lingering salt and ash) and how some things don’t ever wash clean.

 

To his shock and surprise, Junmyeon begins to cry. He pulls Baekhyun close to him and buries his face into his hair and strokes his back. 

 

“It’s never easy, is it?”

 

“I’m sorry for making you cry, I—” 

 

“It’s okay,” Junmyeon says. “Crying is healthy. Some things are worth crying over.” He pulls away slightly and looks Baekhyun in the eye. Baekhyun is glad it is darkish, because he is blushing, and tearing up also.

 

“I wish I could tell them,” Baekhyun says.  _I wish there wasn’t smoke in these lungs._ “I wish I could share that with them, but I am so afraid. It isn’t fair. I want to be a good son.”

 

“Liking boys doesn’t make you a bad son.”

 

“What if it does?” Baekhyun feels like he is pleading for something that Junmyeon cannot give him.

 

“It doesn’t—listen to me, it doesn’t.” Junmyeon holds Baekhyun’s hands. “You don’t have to wash it clean, you don’t have to drown it out—just let yourself be, okay?” He pauses, and then restates, “Let yourself be okay.”

 

Baekhyun is lost for words.  _Let yourself be. Let yourself be okay._ He blinks back dumbly, even though it’s too dark for Junmyeon to see. 

 

“You are enough,” the older boy continues. “Please don’t go drown yourself in an ocean.”

 

“I’m better now,” Baekhyun tells him, though it might be a lie. “I just needed to go scream that time.”

 

“Fair enough.” Junmyeon stretches his neck to look at the clock. “It’s almost midnight,” he says rather groggily. “Do you want to just sleep now?”

 

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says, settling in to the pillows. “Thanks… for listening.”

 

“Sure,” Junmyeon says. “I don’t mind.”

 

Baekhyun doesn’t fall asleep right away. He listens to Junmyeon breathing and thinks long and hard about what he said.  _Junmyeon can’t smell the salt in my hair_ , Baekhyun thinks.  _He can’t smell the smoke. That doesn’t mean he’s safe from it, though, does it?_  


_That doesn’t mean he’s safe from me._

Baekhyun props himself up on an elbow and leans over Junmyeon’s sleeping form. “Junmyeon,” he breathes out, just barely in a whisper. The other boy doesn’t stir. “Junnie,” he says a little louder. Still nothing. 

 

And maybe it’s that small, self-destructive part of him acting, but— “I love you,” Baekhyun whispers to sleeping ears. He hovers his hand over Junmyeon’s cheek, but cannot bring himself to touch.

 

It’s not fair— _it’s not fair_ —it’s not like other crushes because with other crushes all you’re worried about it is rejection and getting hurt. And yeah, that’s a big deal. That’s not fun. But with this, the stakes are much higher. It begins to feel like you cannot breathe. You can’t say anything otherwise you put the both of you in peril. It’s not just your pride on the line, it could easily be your life.

 

It’s the difference between scrape and ruin. It’s the difference between tears and blood. It’s the difference between your mother pulling you in for reassurance and your mother being unable to look you in the eye.

 

Baekhyun’s hand is shaking. So are his shoulders, his chest—he slumps back, away from Junmyeon, as far as he can without falling off the bed. He is shaking so hard he’s surprised the house isn’t going down with him. His mind is a jumble, like it’s full of lettered blocks that used to spell out words but someone just knocked them down, his mind is an earthquake and it’s shaking, shaking—

 

And then he feels an arm around him, pulling him back from the edge of his bed, pulling him in to warmth and safety. And Baekhyun learns why he always wakes up to a face full of Junmyeon’s shirt. Junmyeon tugs him closer and Baekhyun lets him, knowing no one will see.

 

When he wakes up, he has tears crusted around his eyes. Junmyeon mistakes it for sleep, and gently helps him wash them away. Baekhyun closes his eyes against the cool water and the pads of Junmyeon’s fingers, knowing that this isn’t something they can have in the wide open. Knowing it’s all temporary and fragile.

 

Why is he always breathing in stale air?


	8. [8]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hrm nsdkjf i've had this on my computer for a long time but just never posted it :D sorry

It is a few weeks before Christmas break, and Baekhyun is feeling a little stifled. Scratch a little, a lot. They are reading Shakespeare in class and some boy brought up that people said Shakespeare was gay and at least ten people said they wouldn’t read the material if that were true. The teacher had to take almost all of the rest of class to convince everyone that a) it was just a rumor and b) if they didn’t read the coursework, they would fail the course. Baekhyun fumed through the whole thing. He wonders if the smoke he coughs up can hurt all of them as much as it hurts him.

 

Class is out, and Baekhyun hears yelling from the courtyard. Hurrying around the corner, he sees a small group of people standing around two figures—the girls. The girls he watched, the girls with the reverent touches and reverent eyes, only now people have noticed—

 

“You two were about to kiss, weren’t you? That’s disgusting.” It’s another girl, a sophomore like Baekhyun. He doesn’t know her name, but now he hates her. Maybe that’s wrong, but so is she. “Girls are supposed to like boys, and boys are supposed to like girls. You’re disgusting!”

 

The other boys and girls gathered with her jeer in agreement and the two girls do not face each other and do not touch. The group begins to push and shove them, and still they do nothing. They are spit on, and still they do nothing.

 

“You two are going to hell.”

 

“I feel sorry for your parents.”

 

“Unless your parents are where you learned it from. Then I feel sorry for your neighbors!”

 

“How unnatural!”

 

“Freaks! You’re freaks!”

 

“Fucking dykes, right? That’s all you are!”

 

“Worthless!”

 

“You’re not even human."

 

Baekhyun can’t stand it. He unfreezes from his position just around the corner, drops his bags, and runs towards the center of the courtyard. More students are flooding out of classes but he doesn’t care. He can’t leave these girls alone, not when he could easily be right in their place, and _it’s_ not wrong and _they’re_ not wrong and why do people have to hate people just because of who they love why do people have to hate people just because of who they love why do people have to hate?

 

Baekhyun has never thrown a punch in his life, but he does so now as if his life depends on it. He breathes in hate, breathes out smoke, and his fist connects with a yelling boy. 

 

Immediate silence falls over the entire courtyard as the boy falls to the ground, hard. Baekhyun is heaving and the silence rings in his ears. _I have fuses,_ he thinks dazedly, watching the boy rub his jaw with tears in his eyes. _This is how it feels to have them blown._

 

“Why did you do that?”

 

Baekhyun can’t form the words to answer at first. He works his mouth like a fish out of water, finally just saying. “Sometimes I forget the world isn’t a good place all the time.”

 

He turns and finds another ring of people on the edge of the courtyard, staring. And then, to Baekhyun’s astonishment, someone begins to clap. And then more and more people join in, and suddenly it’s the group in the center that is in the core of blazing public shame. A few students run out to retrieve the two girls and Baekhyun finds Junmyeon in the crowd. He is smiling the biggest smile and clapping—and so are all of their friends.

 

People begin to flood to Baekhyun, but Junmyeon gets there first. He squeezes Baekhyun’s hand and any fear Baekhyun had is suddenly gone because of the pride in Junmyeon’s eyes.

 

When Baekhyun finally can get through the crowd to begin his way home, he can’t help but smile. They are going to Junmyeon’s house today and he just punched someone and got _applause_ for it—

 

“You know, it gives me hope,” he says to Junmyeon.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I expected to get punched back.”

 

“He was probably thinking about it,” Junmyeon says, an odd waver in his voice. “But he was too shocked and then everyone started clapping and he realized he would probably get something worse than a punch if he tried it.”

 

Baekhyun looks at Junmyeon to figure out where the waver is coming from. He can’t.

 

They walk in silence for a few moments, and then Junmyeon just gives a little yell and wraps his arms tightly around Baekhyun’s shoulders. “I’m just so proud of you! That was great! You shouldn’t punch people, but—that was great!”

 

Baekhyun feels a surge in his chest. Junmyeon cups Baekhyun’s face in his hands and smiles at him so gleefully, and Baekhyun smiles back so hard he can barely see. Which is why he doesn’t see it coming—Junmyeon kisses him suddenly on the mouth.

 

Baekhyun has three thoughts at the same time.

 

_One_. He’s kissing him and it feels like everything he’s ever wanted and his heart has leapt into his throat, and maybe that’s why he finds it hard to kiss back, but the scent of Junmyeon that he is so used to fills everything around him and it makes it okay.

 

_Two._ He’s kissing him and it feels like everything is falling, because what if someone is watching, what if someone sees? The world tilts and he wants it so bad but he can’t he can’t he _can’t_ and there is nothing he can do about the way things are. It feels like breathing in stale air again—this isn’t something they can have in the wide open—and everything is shaking, shaking.

 

_Three. No one can know._

 

Baekhyun wrenches himself away, gasping. “Junmyeon—” 

 

“Baek—” Junmyeon keeps a strong hold on Baekhyun’s hand, even though Baekhyun hasn’t made a move. “Please don’t run away.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Baekhyun chokes out. 

 

(Later, they’ll have a very similar conversation, but Baekhyun’s response will be very different. He didn’t mean to lie. It’s something about the way love is blind, he thinks.)

 

“I’m sorry,” Junmyeon says. “I was so—I didn’t think—”

 

“Keep walking,” Baekhyun says. “Let’s just keep walking, we can talk about it when we get to your house.”

 

They keep walking, in silence this time. Baekhyun casts furtive looks over his shoulder, but no people come running out of their houses. The trees didn’t even seem to have noticed. The earthquakes are in his mind only.

 

When they finally reach Junmyeon’s house, Baekhyun says the quickest of greetings to Junmyeon’s mother before skittering upstairs. Junmyeon follows soon after, and finds Baekhyun on his couch, white-knuckle clutching a pillow to his chest and staring out the window.

 

“They don’t have to know,” Junmyeon says.

 

“They _can’t_ know,” Baekhyun replies. 

 

“Okay.” Junmyeon shuts the door and sits down next to him. He stretches his arm across the back of the couch like always, but Baekhyun doesn’t lean back onto his shoulder right away. Junmyeon looks at the younger boy, and Baekhyun doesn’t have to look back at him to know the expression he is wearing. It’s the same one as when Baekhyun came out to him. Both despairing and hopeful, and eyes that promise safety. “It isn’t fair, I know,” Junmyeon whispers.

 

Maybe it’s in the way he says it. But Baekhyun knows then—Junmyeon knows what’s at stake. 

 

Baekhyun feels himself crumble. He leans into Junmyeon’s warmth. “I wish it was different. I wish I wasn’t afraid.”

 

“It’s not your fault." Junmyeon presses his lips to Baekhyun's hair. Baekhyun wants to cry. "I can keep it a secret, okay? I promise. Okay?"

 

Baekhyun looks up at Junmyeon's gentle face. Junmyeon runs his hands over Baekhyun's hair (reverent touches, reverent eyes), like last time when they were watching a movie at Baekhyun’s house, but different. “Can I think about it?” Baekhyun says. He doesn’t mean for it to come out in a whisper.

 

“Yes, of course.” Junmyeon draws back just a millimeter, and Baekhyun knows that that millimeter is Junmyeon’s respect for his decision and his space. That that millimeter may seem like nothing but it is more than some people have ever been willing to give.

 

“Thank you,” Baekhyun murmurs, knowing Junmyeon knows what he means.

 

“In the meantime, do you want something to eat? Or something for your fist? Your knuckles look a little swollen.” Junmyeon runs his thumb over the back of Baekhyun’s hand. 

 

Baekhyun nods. “Ice for my hand would be great, actually.”

 

And so there Junmyeon goes, always looking after him.


	9. [9]

It is almost a full month before Baekhyun comes back to Junmyeon for their second kiss and an “as long as no one finds out.” Junmyeon just holds his face and smiles so big his eyes almost disappear. Baekhyun loves that crescent-eye smile, thinks sometimes he would do anything just to see it.

 

Baekhyun also learns that Junmyeon is a very protective boyfriend. Baekhyun doesn’t mind. It gives him a safe little bubble, knowing Junmyeon will be around the corner after classes, knowing he always has a ride home, knowing he’ll get cute little texts throughout the day, reminding him to drink water or telling him he’s gonna do great on the upcoming test or asking if he’s smiled yet today.

 

_ If I hadn’t yet, I have now!  _ is always Baekhyun’s cheerful and truthful response to that last one.

 

Junmyeon is so patient with him. At first Baekhyun is even afraid to kiss him, afraid somehow that someone will see. When Junmyeon leans in and Baekhyun instinctively flinches away, Junmyeon doesn’t get angry or frustrated with him. 

 

“Sorry,” Baekhyun says, tucking his chin into his chest, training his eyes on his lap.

 

Junmyeon cradles Baekhyun’s cheek in his palm, moving his thumb back and forth across Baekhyun’s skin. “It’s okay,” he says. And then he always, always asks for permission, “May I?” and waits for Baekhyun’s shaky nod before giving his forehead a kiss. For a while, Junmyeon would hover until Baekhyun raised his head to meet Junmyeon’s lips.

 

But now, it’s rarer. Baekhyun doesn’t jerk back as much, and when he does, Junmyeon doesn’t have a chance to coddle him before Baekhyun is pulling Junmyeon closer to him by the collar of his shirt, or the back of his neck, mumbling, “Sorry, bad habit,” against his lips between kisses.

 

One night, they’re at Junmyeon’s house. Junmyeon’s parents are out of town, and Juwon was gone to stay with his friends, so the two are alone in the house. Junmyeon makes snacks, and they flip through channels with all the lights off, not really caring what’s on the screen. Baekhyun tucks his legs up on the couch, leaning into Junmyeon’s chest. He presses small kisses to Junmyeon’s jawline. Junmyeon is rubbing his stomach with his free hand, soft and reassuring, and Baekhyun lets his eyes close, nose bumping against Junmyeon’s neck. He snuggles closer to Junmyeon, and so much of him wants to touch, touch everywhere, but he is scared. He’s pretty sure Junmyeon knows, but he’s a virgin. He has no idea if Junmyeon has any more experience, but he’s guessing he at least has more than Baekhyun. He kisses like he does, anyway.

 

Junmyeon’s fingers curl around Baekhyun’s waist lightly, coaxing him up onto his lap. Baekhyun ends up straddling Junmyeon, his face in the older boy’s neck, arms draped over his shoulder. Junmyeon rubs his back, and covers every part of Baekhyun’s face that he can reach with kisses. Baekhyun’s pants begin to feel a little tight, and he feels something hard against his ass— _ oh.  _ He makes a small noise in the back of his throat, hearing Junmyeon’s breaths coming slightly harsher.

 

“Baekhyun,” Junmyeon says softly. “Look at me.” Baekhyun doesn’t, so Junmyeon rolls his hips up to get his attention. “Look at me. Do you want this? I don’t want to do anything you don’t want.”

 

“I’ve never… before,” Baekhyun whispers back.

 

“That’s okay,” Junmyeon soothes him. “That’s okay with me. I know what I’m doing, you’re safe in my hands. Do you want to? It’s okay to say no.”

 

Baekhyun swallows. “Yes,” he manages, cheeks burning. 

 

Junmyeon smiles. “You’re so cute. Let’s go to my bedroom, okay?”

 

“Okay.” Baekhyun makes to climb off of him, but Junmyeon stands, one hand supporting Baekhyun’s butt, and the other curled around his waist to keep him close. So Baekhyun just wraps his legs around Junmyeon, locking his ankles together. Junmyeon kisses Baekhyun even as they make their way up the stairs, and Baekhyun feels so light and tiny in his boyfriend’s arms. He feels warmth spreading all through his body, and he kisses back hungrily.

 

Junmyeon drops him lightly onto his bed. “Be right back,” he says, and crosses the room. In the dim light, Baekhyun sees him rummaging through a drawer—though for what, Baekhyun isn’t quite sure. “Okay,” Junmyeon says as he comes back, placing the items next to Baekhyun, and he sees what they are—lube and a little foil packet that Baekhyun assumes is a condom. Junmyeon tugs at the hem of Baekhyun’s shirt. “Arms up, baby,” he says sweetly. Baekhyun complies. As soon as the shirt is off and discarded somewhere on the floor, Junmyeon is on Baekhyun’s chest, pushing his back onto the bed. He kisses along Baekhyun’s collarbone, then down his chest, flicking his nipples briefly with his tongue and making Baekhyun gasp. Junmyeon brings his hand down and cups the growing bulge in Baekhyun’s pants. “Can I take these off?”

 

Baekhyun nods. As Junmyeon draws back, Baekhyun makes weak grabby-hands at him. “You, too,” he says. “I want to see you, too.”

 

Junmyeon smiles, and casts away his own shirt before going to work on Baekhyun’s jeans. Baekhyun traces Junmyeon’s moonlit muscles with his eyes, a little bit disbelieving. He’d seen Junmyeon shirtless before, and he knew he was  _ solid _ , but now, up close, he’s doing a few recalculations. 

 

Baekhyun feels Junmyeon gently tugging his pants down, so he lifts his hips to help him. Baekhyun’s socks also get pulled off the in the process, and he lies beneath Junmyeon in just his boxers, suddenly feeling a little exposed. 

 

Junmyeon senses this, it seems, and he bends down to kiss Baekhyun on the lips. “You’re gorgeous,” he says in Baekhyun’s ear, and Baekhyun can’t help but light up at the comment. Junmyeon tugs his own sweats off, before bringing their bodies together. “You still doing okay? We can stop if you—”

 

“No,” Baekhyun gasps out, “keep going.”

 

Junmyeon smiles (or is that a smirk?) and grinds down on Baekhyun, experimentally at first, and then more insistently when Baekhyun bucks his hips up involuntarily and moans. Both of their underwear are stained with precome. Junmyeon pushes himself up, and Baekhyun whimpers at the sudden loss of contact, rutting helplessly into the air before Junmyeon stills his hips with his hands.

 

“I’m still here,” Junmyeon says, eyes crinkled in amusement. He inches Baekhyun’s boxers down until they’re just below his knees. As he reaches toward the lube, Baekhyun kicks them the rest of the way off. He can see the outline of Junmyeon’s cock, fully hard, and he wants to reach out to feel it. He’s distracted when Junmyeon taps under Baekhyun’s ass. “You’re sure about this,” Junmyeon checks, one more time.

 

“Yes—please—” Baekhyun gives a small, rather embarrassing whine, but he doesn’t care because he sees Junmyeon’s pupils dilate at the sound.

 

“Okay,” Junmyeon says, voice still barely controlled. “This is going to feel a little bit weird. Let me know, okay, if you want me to stop.”

 

“Okay,” Baekhyun agrees, wiggling his hips.

 

A lubed finger is pressed slowly into Baekhyun’s hole. He winces slightly, and tries to relax. Junmyeon wraps his other hand around Baekhyun’s dick, stroking it and very effectively distracting him as he begins to move his finger in and out. He adds a second. It hurts at first, and a little pained noise escapes Baekhyun’s mouth.

 

“Baekhyun?” Junmyeon’s voice is coated in concern.

 

“I’m okay, keep going, I just—I’m just getting used to it. I’m fine.” Baekhyun wills his heart to slow down. He’s not sure if it’s from arousal or fear.

 

“Okay.” Slowly, Junmyeon begins pumping his fingers inside Baekhyun, stretching him. Though it doesn’t necessarily feel great, Baekhyun finds that it doesn’t hurt anymore. And then, Junmyeon brushes against something that has him arching off the bed and fisting the sheets.

 

“There?” Junmyeon says with a grin, doing it again and causing a moan to rip out of Baekhyun’s lungs.

 

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says in a small voice, trying to catch his breath.  _ Oh, god. Fuck. _ He tosses his head to the side when Junmyeon finds the spot again, biting back a groan, his legs shuddering. 

 

Junmyeon adds a third finger, and Baekhyun tenses under his arms. It hurts, and with the pain comes a sort of grounding sense of reality. He’s going to  _ have sex  _ with Junmyeon. What if someone finds out?  _ Oh, shit.  _ He feels tears build in his eyes.

 

“I’m hurting you,” Junmyeon states.

 

“No, it’s fine, I—”  _ I already said yes, I can’t just stop now. _

 

“Yes, I am.” Junmyeon stops, carefully pulls his fingers out. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to go too fast; it’s not safe.”

 

Baekhyun can’t stop his lower lip from poking out a little, fighting against tears. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles.

 

“It’s fine.” Junmyeon presses reassuring kisses to his forehead. “We can keep going with two fingers, if you want, and then try three again after a little bit. Or, we can just stop, and wait for another day. I’m really fine with either.”

 

Baekhyun doesn’t answer.

 

“Baek,” Junmyeon says. “It’s okay if you want to stop. It’s okay. You’re well within your right to say you want to stop, even if you said you wanted to do it earlier, okay? You’re well within your right to retract the consent you gave. I won’t be mad.” 

 

“I’m scared,” Baekhyun admits in a tiny voice, unable to meet Junmyeon’s eyes.

 

“Okay.” Junmyeon hops off the bed. “I’ll go get you a clean pair of underwear, okay? I’ll be right back.”

 

Baekhyun begins to shiver, feeling alone and exposed on the bed. The tears slip unbidden down his cheeks, and he swipes them away furiously.  _ I’m so stupid. Will Junmyeon even want me after this? This is all my fault. Why do I have to be like this? This is so embarrassing! I’ve ruined everything. _

 

Junmyeon comes back with boxers and a warm, damp towel. “I’m just going to clean you off a little, because lube isn’t super comfortable,” he says. He lifts Baekhyun’s hips slightly, and gently swabs over his butt, cleaning off residual lube. Then he hands the boxers to Baekhyun and goes to find the rest of their clothes, when moonlight hits Baekhyun’s face and he sees the tears.

 

“Oh no,  _ baby _ .” He sits back down on the bed and takes Baekhyun’s head into his lap. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you. I should’ve known it would scare you. Even if you didn’t want to take it in tiny steps, I should’ve made you. I’m sorry. This is all my fault. Please don’t cry, I’m so sorry.”

 

Baekhyun leans into Junmyeon’s touch, closing his eyes as he lets the older boy wipe away the tear tracks. “It’s not your fault,” he promises him.  _ You did everything right.  _

 

“It’s not yours either,” Junmyeon reminds him. “It’s okay that you’re scared. I’ll wait.”

 

“I’m being such a burden,” Baekhyun mutters.

 

“No, you’re not,” Junmyeon soothes. “It’s okay, Baekhyun, really.”

 

“But you didn’t even get to…” Baekhyun gestures.

 

“I stopped worrying about that the instant I saw something shift in your eyes,” Junmyeon says firmly. “I don’t get off on you feeling unsafe.” He cards his hand through Baekhyun’s hair. “You’re cold, aren’t you? I’ll grab shirts for us, and then we can sleep.”

 

Baekhyun nods, and lets Junmyeon slip away to get clothing. He’s back in a few seconds, slipping a soft cotton shirt over Baekhyun’s head. He pulls the smaller boy into his chest. Baekhyun can feel his heartbeat, the rhythm so familiar now.

 

“I know I’m clean,” Junmyeon says softly. “But let’s get you tested, okay, just in case. Planned Parenthood does tests, and there’s a clinic not too far from here. I can take you, if you want. Besides, I can go snag some more condoms. They give them for free.”

 

“Okay,” Baekhyun agrees. 

 

They are silent for a moment. Baekhyun isn’t sure if Junmyeon is asleep, but he tries tentatively, “Junmyeon?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Are you mad at me?”

 

“What?” Junmyeon sounds shocked. He runs his hands through Baekhyun’s hair, petting him to soothe him. It works. “No, no no no. Of course not. I’m sorry for scaring you. I’ll be better next time, okay? Don’t worry.” 

 

“…Thank you.”

 

Junmyeon hugs him tighter, presses a kiss into Baekhyun’s hair. “Of course,” he mumbles.

 

They fall asleep like that, tangled and loving. (It is such a beautiful thing, but not everyone sees it. In times like these, between wake and sleep, in Junmyeon’s arms, breathing in the safest scent he knows, Baekhyun has a hard time believing anyone could hate it.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some important notes: 
> 
> 1) It is of the utmost importance that you have safe sex. This includes condoms or something of the like, birth control if applicable, and it’s also a good idea to get tested for STI’s/STD’s. As Junmyeon mentions, Planned Parenthood gives STD tests, so it’s not that hard to do~ And, they do give out free condoms ^^  
> 2) Another component of safe sex involves consent. Junmyeon asks for Baekhyun’s consent multiple times during this chapter. It is so important that everyone involved is ready and willing. There’s a lovely video that equates consent to making someone a cup of tea, which is equal parts hilarious and educational. You can find it on YouTube if you’re interested ^^ One big takeaway about this is that if someone gives their consent, but then changes their mind halfway through, that is completely fine. They are totally allowed to do that. Yeah, it might be kind of annoying and you might feel a little bit led-on, but in the name of safety and respect (and the law), when someone says stop, you have to stop.  
> 3) It’s really important to have good communication with your partner. Pay attention to what their face is telling you. Sometimes people feel too embarrassed or too guilty to speak up. It’s important that you tell your partner the truth, and that you really make sure your partner is telling you the truth about how they feel and what they want, even if it seems a little awkward to ask.   
> 4) Safe, consensual sex is sexy~! ^^ <3  
> 5) There’s some finer points of having safe sex, especially for gay men, because your butthole is a little more sensitive/unwilling to stretch than a vagina is. It is also where poop comes out of, so I would advise buying something you can use to safely clean it first. I’m not really going to address that in this story because most high school kids don’t have the kind of money to go buy stuff like that so it’s kind of unrealistic, and also because I’m more interested in plot than accuracy ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ The bottom line is, do what you can within your power to be safe! ^^”~ <3
> 
> Thank you for reading! If you want to yell at me, my tumblr is [here](https://www.suhos-lotto.tumblr.com/ask)!


	10. [10]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back even though maybe one person reads this :D as my friend would say, yeet yonk honkety honk

[10] It is breakfast the morning after, and Baekhyun finds it a little hard to look Junmyeon in the eye. He feels like he should apologize, but he doesn’t know how. And yet, Junmyeon handles him the same way as before. He sets a plate of scrambled eggs and toast in front of the younger along with a glass of orange juice, and then sits across from him with a similar plate. They eat in silence. Baekhyun mostly keeps his gaze on his plate.

 

Junmyeon walks Baekhyun to his house after they finish their breakfast, filling the time with small talk that Baekhyun doesn’t have to give a real response to. When they reach Baekhyun’s house, Baekhyun’s mother of course invites Junmyeon in for a cup of tea and conversation. Baekhyun says he is going to the bathroom, and sneaks off to his room instead. He finds a pearly white square of paper and begins to fold. It’s something Baekhyun can do with his eyes closed, something he can do in his sleep, now. He slips it into Junmyeon’s bag when Junmyeon is saying goodbye. 

 

“Did you guys have fun?” Baekhyun’s mother asks.

 

“Yes,” Baekhyun says, careful not to choke on his words. “Yes, it was fun.”

 

When Baekhyun sees Junmyeon the next morning, he is surprised to see the crane hanging on the same keychain as Junmyeon’s keys. Junmyeon catches him looking at it and just smiles, and Baekhyun knows that Junmyeon knows that it means _thank you_. He knows that Junmyeon knows it means _I’m sorry._ He knows that Junmyeon knows that it means _I fell in love with you a thousand ways the first time I saw you but there aren’t enough words for that and I still don’t know how to tell you._

 

This knowledge both sits heavy on his heart and also gives him wings.

 

“Aren’t you afraid it’s gonna get squished?” Baekhyun asks during lunch.

 

“I’ll take extra-special care of it,” Junmyeon promises. “I like having a piece of you with me at all times.”

 

“Mm,” Baekhyun murmurs, kind of unsure how to respond. “Well, then I’ll make you a new one if something happens to that one. Maybe I’ll get waxed paper so it can survive small amounts of rain.” _Though perhaps not all the ocean in my heart._

 

“That would make it less easily squishable, too,” Junmyeon comments, wrapping an arm around Baekhyun and pulling him close. Baekhyun lets him. It isn't like anyone is coming up there, and even if they did, they could just pass it off as huddling against the cold.

 

* * *

 

Junmyeon does take him to Planned Parenthood, and he does get a test, and he comes out clean. Junmyeon grins at him, thanks the nurses for him, and guides him outside, because Baekhyun is a lot too shy and embarrassed to do any of above. 

 

“We should celebrate,” Junmyeon says. “You survived your first visit to Planned Parenthood. You didn’t get asked awkward questions and as far as I know you didn’t say anything embarrassing. You did a great job. And on top of that, you’re clean.”

 

“What kind of celebration were you thinking of?”

 

“Well, my mind kinda went straight to _ice cream_ but I just realized that it’s kind of freezing outside, so I’m reconsidering.”

 

“How about hot cocoa from the bakery down the way, with lots of extra whipped cream?”

 

“You have the best ideas.”

 

“Oh, really? Must be why you’ve stuck around so long.”

 

“Since when are you sassy?”

 

“I dunno. Since I figured out it was a good coping mechanism for traumatic experiences.”

 

“It wasn’t that bad, was it??” Despite the teasing tone, Junmyeon gives Baekhyun a worried look, taking his chin gently between his fingers and tilting it up.

 

“No,” Baekhyun says, closing his eyes at the touch, a tiny smile flickering across his lips. “No, it wasn’t.”

 

* * *

 

And so things continue for them. Junmyeon takes care of Baekhyun in all the little ways that he can, and Baekhyun begins to let himself fall just a little more. It feels kind of nice, this falling—he knows Junmyeon will catch him, so it’s okay to give himself up sometimes. 

 

And of course, Baekhyun still cringes when his mother says something like, “Baekhyun, I’m so glad you made friends so quickly. I was a little worried about you, but everything turned out fine, right?”

 

And he would nod, eyes downcast, thinking, _yeah, Eomma. Fine. Just fine._

 

Junmyeon, to his credit, is actually trying to make things as “just fine” as possible. He continues to send Baekhyun cute texts multiple times a day. He walks or drives Baekhyun everywhere, kisses him when they’re alone. He loves him everywhere they go, even in the wide open, just quietly. Baekhyun is okay with that.

 

And as untroubled as Junmyeon seems, Baekhyun knows that he too has trouble sometimes sleeping.

 

Baekhyun is lying awake in Junmyeon’s arms one night. Junmyeon is already asleep, but then out of nowhere Baekhyun hears Junmyeon mumble, “Baek—Baekhyun” before waking up. Immediately, Junmyeon’s hands are all over Baekhyun—in his hair and on his face and back and intertwined with his hands. 

 

“Junmyeon?”

 

“Baekhyun,” Junmyeon whispers back, kissing his hair, pulling him closer. “You have to promise never to get hurt. Do you promise?”

 

“Yes, yes,” Baekhyun replies, stretching his neck up to find Junmyeon’s lips with his own. “You too. You have to promise, too.”

 

“I promise,” Junmyeon murmurs. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry I woke you.”

 

“It’s okay,” Baekhyun says, the familiar shiver he always feels when Junmyeon calls him _baby_  going through him. He wants something like that to call Junmyeon, but the usual pet names don’t seem to fit. “Are you okay?”

 

“I’m okay,” Junmyeon says. “I’m okay, it was just a bad dream. I’m glad you’re here.”

 

Baekhyun wonders how much of it is a lie, but he doesn’t ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come find me on my tumblr [here](https://www.suhos-lotto.tumblr.com/ask)!  
> If you like exo, read my exo fucktoy!au (with rare pairings!) [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8324098)!


	11. [11]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter of angst central that no one asked for yart

It is the spring of ninth grade and in class they are reading some Allen Ginsberg, and Baekhyun loves it, he really does. His teacher notices, says, “Hey, if you want to know more about him, there is a movie. I would normally tell you to go read more, but… it’s a good movie.”

 

“What’s it called?” Baekhyun asks, intrigued that his _English_ teacher is telling him to do anything _but_ read. 

 

“It’s called _Kill Your Darlings._ 2012.” The teacher writes it down on a slip of paper. “Let me know if you like it.”

 

So that night, instead of doing homework, Baekhyun locks himself in his room with a whole bunch of snacks and his laptop and watches the movie. He didn’t realize what kind of movie it was until he realizes he’s crying. He haphazardly taps the pause button and curls into a little ball and just cries and cries, and he’s only like two thirds the way through the movie, but he can’t stop somehow, and he coughs on mucus and smoke and tastes the salt of his tears.

 

And that is the exact moment Hayun decides to come bother him.

 

“Hey oppa will you play wi—oppa? Oppa are you okay? Should I call Eomma?”

 

“No, do _not_ call Eomma,” Baekhyun immediately gasps out. 

 

“Should I leave you alone?” is her next guess.

 

“No, no, it’s okay. Come in. Shut the door.”

 

“Why is oppa crying?”

 

“Because oppa is sad.” Baekhyun closes his computer and pushes it aside, patting the spot next to him. 

 

“I figured that much out,” Hayun says, taking a seat. “Why?”

 

“Hayun, I think I’m going to tell you something that you can’t repeat to Eomma and Appa. I don’t think they’ll ask about it, but will you promise me you won’t tell them?” Baekhyun asks.

 

“Pinky promise,” Hayun says solemnly, holding hers up for Baekhyun to lock with. 

 

“Okay. Hayun. Do you know what the words ‘gay’ and ‘homosexual’ mean?”

 

“It means when someone likes people who are the same gender. Like if I liked girls. ‘Gay’ is the more, um, c-coloquilal way of saying it?”

 

“Colloquial, and good, okay. And what are your thoughts on the matter?”

 

“My thoughts?”

 

“Yeah, what do you think about that? Girls liking girls, or boys liking boys?”

 

“Um, I don’t think I like girls.”

 

“No, that’s fine, but say, if one of your friends did. One of your friends who is a girl, if she liked girls.”

 

“That would be fine,” Hayun says, looking a little lost. “Although if if were me she liked, I would have to say I’m sorry I’m not interested.” She frowns at him. “Why? Is it not okay?”

 

“No, no, it is okay. It should be, anyway.” Baekhyun sighs, feeling tears well up again. “I’m sorry I’m crying in front of you, Hayun. Um. Listen, sometimes… sometimes people will tell you that it’s bad. And, um, I don’t, I don’t want you to listen to them.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Hayun.”

 

“Yeah, oppa?”

 

“Hayun.”

 

“Oppa, what?”

 

“Hayun.”

 

“Oppa I can barely understand you. Do you need a tissue? Is there something wrong with your eyes?”

 

“No, no.” Baekhyun waves her away. “Hayun.”

 

To Hayun’s credit, she is very patient. This time she just sits and waits for him to continue, reaching out to catch a few of his tears with her little hands still pudgy from leftover baby fat.

 

“I’m gay, Hayun.”

 

“Okay.” Hayun looks at him weird. “You like boys. That’s okay. I like boys, too.” Then she frowns. “I hope we don’t like the same boys though.”

 

In spite of everything, Baekhyun laughs. “I hope so, too,” he said. “The boys you like are too young for me. Unless you’re after boys my age, in which case I will have to ask you, as your oppa, to stop.”

 

“Boys your age are loud and gross,” Hayun says in distaste, wrinkling her nose. “Like you."

 

Baekhyun continues to laugh-cry. “Hayun-ah, you’re so funny.” He reaches out and hugs her. “But no telling Eomma and Appa, okay?”

 

“M’kay.” They are silent for a moment. Hayun lets Baekhyun keep hugging her. And then— “Baekhyun-oppa? Are you… are you afraid that Eomma ’n’ Appa are going to be the people that will tell me it’s bad?”

 

Baekhyun suddenly can't speak, so he just presses his lips together and nods vigorously, tears streaming from his eyes. “I—” he chokes out. “I don’t want you to have to decide between listening to me and listening to them.”

 

“I hope you’ll tell them one day.” Hayun extracts herself from Baekhyun’s embrace. “I think they’ll love you no matter what, since you’re their son.”

 

“Thanks, Hayun,” Baekhyun says weakly. “I hope you’re right.”

 

“I'll throw you a party when you _do_ tell them,” Hayun promises. She stands, and then gives Baekhyun a loud forehead kiss—rare, now, since she’s getting to the age where she thinks her whole entire family is one big embarrassment. “I hope you aren’t sad like this for a long time. I’m going to go play now.”

 

“Okay. Have fun.” Baekhyun smiles after her. She has one foot out the door before she pauses and kind of half-turns to look back at him. “What?”

 

“Baekhyun-oppa, you’re kind of a weirdo, but I love you, okay?”

 

Baekhyun feels tears threaten again. “Baekhyun-oppa loves you very much, too,” he whispers back, giving her a watery smile and watching with fond eyes as she steps out into the hall and quietly shuts the door.

 

Baekhyun stays up all night to finish the movie and the only thing he can safely attest to by the end of it is that the last third of the movie is ten times as heart-wrenching as the first two combined, and that he used maybe a box and a half of tissues on snot.

 

“You look tired today, Baekhyun-ssi,” his teacher comments the next day.

 

“I watched _Kill Your Darlings_ last night.”

 

His teacher looks a tiny bit horrorstruck. “ _All_ of it?”

 

“Well… yes. It’s a good movie. Kind of hard to just set aside even when you know you should be sleeping.”

 

“I see. I’m glad you watched it, but get some sleep too.”

 

“Yes. Thank you… for the recommendation.”

 

“I thought you might like it,” his teacher says, and Baekhyun spends the next couple weeks trying to figure out what he meant by that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kill Your Darlings is a good movie, by the way. If you like poetry and sad gay films it's the perfect one for you!
> 
> Thanks as always for reading! please come holler at me on my [tumblr](https://www.suhos-lotto.tumblr.com)!


	12. [12]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!! this chapter discusses anorexia!! if that is triggering or upsetting to you, don't read it!

It is the second month of freshman year and Baekhyun swears the seniors can smell _difference_ in a crowd. They don’t do the classic shoving into a locker or flushing your head down a toilet bowl sort of thing. Contrary to popular belief, boys can be just as petty and sneaky as girls when they want to.

 

And Baekhyun, you have to understand, Baekhyun just wants to fit in. And he looks down at his short frame and baby fat and he knows he’s never going to grow tall and have the muscles that some of the guys on the basketball team have. So, he decides he’ll be a flower boy, and he’ll act cute, and then all the girls will like him, even if that’s not what he wants. But if he buries one love with another, maybe it will be enough and he can stop coughing up so much smoke.

 

And so, he begins to starve.

 

At first, he just skips lunch. He figures that a meal at the beginning of the day and meal at the end should be sufficient. But then, he realizes that there’s no way for him to burn the dinner calories, so he can’t eat dinner either. He begins to exercise more. And his breakfasts get smaller and smaller because everything has so many calories, you know? So many calories.

 

But there are bad days, too, days he has to punish himself for by fasting afterwards or slicing thin lines into his skin, both for the pain and for the difficulty of covering them up later. There are days where it feels like he’s eaten the entire fridge and the numbers just go up and he looks at himself in the mirror with red-rimmed eyes and he _knows_ it’s not good for him. That’s the thing, because later when his mom sends him to therapy, all the doctors always tell him, first, “That’s not healthy. It’s not safe for your body. You know that amount of calories is too little, right?” And Baekhyun just wants to scream _I know!!! I know it’s not good. Telling me that isn’t going to stop me, how do I stop me?_

 

And he loses weight and his shirts and pants get baggier on him until they’re hanging off his bones. He doesn’t get hospitalized because he eats enough, just enough to keep him alive but really, that’s a close call, the alive part. He’s breathing, and his blood is still pumping, but is it a heart in his chest, or just something pulsing under his skin? He isn’t so sure.

 

He buys fitter clothing, cute collared shirts and pants. He learns how to put makeup on, learns how to make his eyes look wide and doll-like. And, finally, finally, just like he hoped, people come to him. When he’s with other classmates who aren’t there to be cruel, he realizes that it’s easy to forget, just for seconds at a time, how desperately empty he feels. When there’s a flock of girls crowded around him, all long hair and smelling of flowers and cooing over his pretty hands and nice hair color (he’s taken to dyeing it) and good skin, he curves his lips up and turns his eyes to crescents. They squeal like they’ve seen a little kitten, and Baekhyun lulls himself into a sense of belonging.

 

But no matter how many girls he kisses, the smoke is still there. He pushes it down and hopes that it’s just because the fire is finally going out—the smoke always sticks around long after the flames are gone.

 

He has enough friends now that it’s not uncommon to get a note or a text about meeting for lunch or shopping over the weekend. Still, he’s surprised one morning when he finds a note on his desk, which reads, “Oppa, will you come to lunch with me?”

 

Lunch outings always make him nervous. It’s always easy to binge when there’s someone around, and he has to be really careful—not eat too much, otherwise he’ll have to find a place, quickly, to purge it, but also not eat too little, because whoever he’s with is bound to notice.

 

Still, he checks the name on the bottom, Myunghwa, and looks to the corner where she sits. She’s watching him, and her eyes light up when he gives her a wave and thumbs-up. He’s talked to her a few times, and she’s actually pretty down-to-earth. He doesn’t mind the conversations he’s had with her, so he’s not dreading the lunch as much as he thought he would. 

 

Class drags on, as classes are wont to do, but finally, the bell rings and the air is filled with voices as everyone springs out of their seats. Myunghwa meets Baekhyun by his desk as he’s zipping up his bag.

 

“Where were you thinking of going?” Baekhyun asks.

 

“The ramen place a couple blocks from here?” she suggests. “It’ll warm us up, especially since we’re walking.”

 

“Sounds good to me.” Baekhyun stops by his locker to grab his coat, wrapping himself in it as they head into the biting cold. He offers his scarf to Myunghwa who accepts it gratefully. They walk along in silence for a little while, and Baekhyun lets the sharp winter air fill his lungs, feeling dull, familiar hunger pangs as he thinks of the soup at the ramen place. Honestly, it won’t be that bad. They have low-sodium options, and he can just get the plain vegetarian kind, and hide the noodles he didn’t eat in the extra broth.

 

“Are you excited for break?” Myunghwa asks.

 

“Definitely,” Baekhyun says, his breath puffing out in front of him. “I can’t wait to actually get some sleep.”

 

“Me too!” She laughs. “It’s so close now. We just have this week left.”

 

“Except we have so much work to do,” Baekhyun points out, pouting.

 

“You too, huh?” Myunghwa nods. “I heard the seniors complaining this morning. I feel bad for them—they have to get applications in around this time, too.”

 

Baekhyun wrinkles his nose in distaste. “I am not looking forward to when I’m a senior.”

 

“Senior spring won’t be so bad,” Myunghwa says. “And don’t do that with your face. It might be cute, but you’ll get wrinkles.”

 

“Thanks,” Baekhyun said, rolling his eyes good-naturedly. 

 

They round the corner and Baekhyun gets a couple paces ahead so that he can hold the door open for Myunghwa  Inside, it’s nice and warm, and they both shed their outer layers as a waiter takes them to a table. The waiter takes their order. Once Baekhyun gives him back the menu, he suddenly doesn’t know what to do with his hands. The shop smells really good. A part of him really just want to eat the whole bowl of his order, but he know he can’t. Not only will that be way too many calories, but since he hasn’t been eating a lot, that much food at once would shock his system and give him a bellyache.

 

Myunghwa makes small talk as they wait for their orders to come. Baekhyun is grateful she is good at conversation, and it passes the time well. Soon, they each have steaming bowls of ramen in front of them.

 

“Baekhyun-ah,” Myunghwa says very softly as Baekhyun is swirling his noodles in the broth with his chopsticks, so softly he almost doesn’t hear it. “Please… please eat.”

 

Baekhyun shoots his head up, his eyebrows raising past the line of his bangs on their own accord. His heart is pounding, and it feels like there are little, icy birds swooping around in his stomach. “W-What?”

 

Myunghwa looks at him unhappily. “I know you’re not eating,” she continues in the same gentle tone. “I saw you a month ago, you weren’t this skinny.”

 

“Don’t tell me it’s unhealthy,” Baekhyun mutters, putting down his chopsticks and staring at his lap. “I already know.”

 

“I wasn’t going to,” Myunghwa says, and something about the way she says it is soothing. “But you have to eat,” she coaxes. “I know—I know it’s hard—”

 

“What do you know about it?” Baekhyun asks, sourly. He regrets it immediately. “Sorry.”

 

“It’s okay,” she says. He looks up slowly; she is smiling, just a bit. “I know because I went through the same thing.” She rests her cheek on her palm, elbow at the edge of the table. “It’s hard,” she murmurs. “Why did you start?”

 

“I don’t know,” Baekhyun says. “I wanted friends. I wanted people to like me. I wanted girls to think I was cute. And it worked,” he adds defensively. 

 

“No,” Myunghwa says. “It always takes new students, especially if you went to a different middle school, a few months to settle in. It would have happened anyway.”

 

“But all the girls, you and your friends, you started talking to me after I got thin,” Baekhyun protests.

 

“No,” she repeats. “We think you’re cute because of how you act, not how you look. We like talking to you because you’re funny and you’re nice and you’re good at listening, unlike a lot of boys around here.”

 

Baekhyun blinks. “I don’t believe you,” he challenges, but his voice is shaking.

 

“I think you’re afraid to,” she responds, and there is no challenge in her tone.

 

They are silent. She doesn’t prompt him to reply, just watches him and lets him sit and think.

 

“I don’t know how to stop,” Baekhyun finally confesses in a whisper.

 

“I can’t give you a magic spell to make it all go away,” Myunghwa says. “It depends on the person, what helps them. But there are a few places you can start.”

 

“Like what?” Baekhyun asks cautiously. 

 

She points at his bowl with her chopsticks. “Start by trying not to think about the calories, and just letting yourself enjoy eating that,” she says. “You have to teach your mind to say no to destructive thoughts. It’s hard. It really is. And the thoughts about restricting never, ever go away. Recovery is not about getting rid of them, it’s about how you respond to them.”

 

“So I’ll be living with it for the rest of my life. I’ll have to fight it every day.”

 

“Well, in some ways, yes. But it gets easier. The thoughts get less and less frequent. And you get better at stopping them.” Myunghwa looks at him calmly. “It seems daunting. But you’ll really be okay.”

 

“Will I have to gain all that weight back?”

 

“Not necessarily. Some, yes.” Myunghwa gives him a sad smile. “I know this doesn’t help, but you’re not going to be considered fat, even if you gain like five kilos, Baekhyun. And even if you were fat to begin with—so what? You know?”

 

Baekhyun nods, feeling miserable. “I want to get better,” he mumbles. “But it just seems so far away.”

 

“I know,” Myunghwa says. “Don’t worry about that right now. Eat your ramen before it gets cold.”

 

Baekhyun obeys. The first few bites are hard, because every cell in his brain is screaming at him to stop. But he takes Myunghwa’s advice, and tells the unbidden thoughts to leave him alone. _I have to eat to live. She’s right. I can’t go on like this forever. When does it stop?_

 

He starts feeling really full about three-quarters of the way through his bowl. Myunghwa stops eating when she notices him slowing down, and peers into his bowl. 

 

“You must not have a big appetite because your stomach has shrunk,” she guessed. “You did really well, Baekhyun. I mean it.”

 

“Are you going to tell everyone?” Baekhyun asks, trembling.

 

“About this? No,” Myunghwa tells him. “I don’t see why I should.”

 

“Then why are you trying to help me?”

 

“Because I’m your friend, and I know what it’s like and I want you to get better and be able to live without this cloud hanging over your head.” Myunghwa smiles. “Not everyone at this school is out to get you.”

 

Baekhyun feels his lips quirk up, realizing he’s being silly. “Of course,” he says. “Thank you.” Myunghwa nods.

 

And it doesn’t get better right away. There are days, many of them, where Baekhyun falls back into the cycle. But Myunghwa watches out for him, and slowly it goes away. The thoughts are there; they always are. And the smoke is too. _But sometimes,_ Baekhyun thinks, _it’s not so bad, this living thing._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading~ As always, come holler at me on my [tumblr](https://www.suhos-lotto.tumblr.com/ask)! I love having interactions on there~~


	13. [13]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> henlo it's me again ansdkfjd

[13] It is a Friday night, and Junmyeon decided to take Baekhyun out to dinner. It’s a cold, clear night, and the moon watches over them as they take the short walk from Junmyeon’s car to the restaurant. 

 

The waiter gives them a rather private booth in the back, and Junmyeon takes the side that faces the door so he can see his car, and he warms Baekhyun’s hands with his as they read through the menu.

 

“What are you thinking about getting?” Junmyeon asks.

 

“Udon sounds good to me,” Baekhyun replies. “It’s warm. What about you?”

 

“I’m trying to decide between the sashimi bowl and the unagi bowl.”

 

“Are you very hungry?”

 

Junmyeon raises an eyebrow. “I’m not eating both, if that’s what you’re suggesting.”

 

“No, I was thinking we could maybe share the unagi bowl, because I was looking at that one too.”

 

Junmyeon smiles. “Sounds perfect,” he says, and glances around surreptitiously before kissing Baekhyun’s hand, very quickly.

 

Baekhyun snatches his hands into his lap, mad and scared but a little pleased all the same. “Junmyeon,” he hisses. “We’re in public.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Junmyeon says. “No one saw. I just really wanted to—you’re so cute sometimes. I won’t do it again.”

 

Baekhyun fake-pouts. “You better not.”

 

“Don’t pout, baby,” Junmyeon murmurs with a lazy smile.

 

The dinner is peaceful, and Baekhyun hardly finds himself looking over his shoulder. 

 

“I can’t eat any more!” Baekhyun finally declares, pushing away his bowl. It still has a little broth on the bottom, but he doesn’t think he could fit even that in. The unagi bowl was a lot bigger than they were expecting. Junmyeon smiles and sets his empty bowl aside, too. 

 

“No dessert?”

 

“Uh-uh,” Baekhyun groans adamantly. 

 

“Okay. Check please!”

 

_Rides with Junmyeon are always so serene_ , Baekhyun thinks as they pull out of the restaurant’s parking lot. He doesn’t want to distract himself because he doesn’t want to risk putting Baekhyun in any kind of danger, so he leaves the music quiet and they get to exist quietly, unobtrusively, next to each other. Baekhyun thinks that’s the purest kind of relationship—that just sharing the air is enough. You don’t have to fill every silence. Sometimes stillness is good.

 

Baekhyun splits his time between watching the moon and watching Junmyeon as they drive home. Junmyeon’s focus-face is so cute—his features smooth except for a tiny crease between his brows, and occasionally he’ll make little fishy-faces, sort of, with his lips. Full and warm, Baekhyun falls asleep with his head pressed against the window.

 

He wakes going up the stairs in Junmyeon’s arms. They’re the same height, but Junmyeon’s really strong, and Baekhyun’s light as a feather to him. Baekhyun blinks sleepily up at Junmyeon in the pale moonlight, a sweet smile inching over his face. He reaches a hand up and lays it gently on Junmyeon’s cheek.

 

“Hi, baby,” Junmyeon whispers, eyes crinkling up in delight at the touch.

 

“Hi,” Baekhyun whispers back.

 

“I didn’t want to wake you,” Junmyeon continues. “I love your face when you’re sleeping, it’s so soft and gentle.”

 

“I love _you_ ,” Baekhyun finds himself saying as they cross the threshold into Junmyeon’s bedroom, but he’s to tired to feel embarrassed about it. 

 

Junmyeon doesn’t seem to mind, though. He places Baekhyun on the bed and kisses his forehead tenderly. “Do you want to change into something else? You can shower in the morning.”

 

“I’m okay.” Baekhyun stretches his arms out to him. “Come here.”

 

“I’m going to change out my jeans,” Junmyeon tells him. “I’ll be there in a second.”

 

Soon, Baekhyun and Junmyeon are curled against each other, Junmyeon’s hands against Baekhyun’s back, tracing his spine. 

 

“I’m sorry for kissing your hand like that earlier,” Junmyeon says after a long stretch of silence. “I promised I wouldn’t do stuff like that, and I did anyway. It was wrong of me.”

 

“I forgive you,” Baekhyun replies. They both breathe for a while, still against each other’s chests. “Sometimes,” Baekhyun finally adds. “I really wish we could have that. I really wish it would be okay for us to just—just be a couple, publicly and visibly, but—but I’m too scared. I’m not brave enough. I’m sorry for that.”

 

“You don’t have to be sorry for that,” Junmyeon protests. “It’s not something you can control. I can control my own actions to fit something you feel. And I will. Okay?”

 

“Thank you,” Baekhyun says, feeling a bubble of something build in his throat. He feels like crying and he thinks it’s just pure love and gratitude and maybe a little astonishment— _why_ does Junmyeon want him so much to go all out of his way like this for him, all the time?

 

He’s too tired to turn it over in his mind. He settles into Junmyeon, kissing his collarbone a couple of times just to have more contact, but he quickly falls asleep.

 

* * *

 

“Morning, sleepyhead,” Junmyeon greets him as Baekhyun stumbles into the kitchen, yawning and rubbing his eyes with his fists. Junmyeon stops cooking and runs his hands through Baekhyun’s hair. “Don’t worry, no one’s here. Just us,” he says, and kisses Baekhyun’s nose. 

 

“Great,” Baekhyun replies warmly. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

 

“Don’t worry about it, I’m almost done.” Junmyeon pulls a plate stacked high with perfect pancakes from the oven.

 

“They have smiley-faces on them!” Baekhyun exclaims.

 

“Yep,” Junmyeon says, blushing but clearly proud.

 

“I love you,” Baekhyun tells him, waiting until he’s placed the plate on the table before throwing his arms around Junmyeon’s shoulders.

 

“I know,” Junmyeon says. “I’m the best boyfriend, right?” Baekhyun starts to laugh at him, but Junmyeon beats him to it, waving his hands out in front of him in embarrassment. “I love you, too,” he says when they finally calm down and sit.

 

After breakfast, they work on homework together. Junmyeon sits properly on the couch while Baekhyun lies with his head on Junmyeon’s lap, his legs dangling off the other end. Junmyeon pets Baekhyun’s hair as they read. Soft sunlight filters into the room, and for once the smoke feels like it’s coming from a tea candle instead of a bonfire.

 

Junmyeon returns him home later that afternoon, and Hayun insists Junmyeon should come around to the Byun house sometime next week because she wants to see him, too. 

 

“I miss you,” she says with a pout to rival Baekhyun’s best.

 

“I miss you, too, Hayun,” Junmyeon says, grinning. “I’ll come visit, don’t worry.”

 

Baekhyun waves him goodbye as he pulls out of their driveway.

 

“That Kim Junmyeon kid is really something,” Baekhyun’s mother comments absently as she goes back to balancing the checkbook. “I mean, if Hayun likes him, it must mean he’s a keeper.”

 

“A keeper?” Baekhyun stutters out.

 

“I think he’s a good influence on you,” Baekhyun’s mother continues, not seeming to have noticed she said anything odd. “I hope you two stay friends. I like seeing you happy.”

 

_Would you still say that if you knew what would make me the happiest?_ Baekhyun wonders as he makes his way to his room. 

 

He sits on his bed for a long time, not moving even though he should get out his math homework, even as the sun makes its way across the grey sky behind the clouds. He spends the time scraping ash out from under his nails but there’s always more, there’s always more, and he doesn’t understand how he could have felt so clear and clean just a few hours before.

 

But every time his mind wanders from that, it wanders right back to Junmyeon’s eyes and Junmyeon’s hands, holding him in place and holding him together. And it’s just so _hard,_ because how can he let something that good go? All because he’s scared? How could he ever get by without him? But at the same time, how can he live with a secret that big? How long does it last?

 

Baekhyun sits there, staring at the insides of his eyelids until the moon rises.


	14. [14]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally... some real smut. Enjoy.

It is another Thursday night and Baekhyun is waiting for Junmyeon to come over. His parents are at a function and he and Junmyeon are babysitting Hayun again. Hayun waits at the window next to him, quiet for once.

 

"Baekhyun-oppa?” she finally asks.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Do you like Junmyeon-oppa?”

 

Baekhyun’s eyes widen; he turns to stare at her. “What?”

 

“Do you like Junmyeon-oppa?” Hayun leans forward.

 

“Yes.” Baekhyun doesn’t see why he ought to lie. “Don’t tell Eomma and Appa, ‘kay?”

 

“‘Kay. Do you love him?”

 

“I…” Baekhyun swallows hard. “I think so, Hayun.”

 

“Does he like you?” she persists.

 

“Yes,” Baekhyun says, _I’m pretty sure he does_.

 

“You’re dating him, aren’t you?” Hayun asks.

 

“Yes. Don’t tell Eomma and Appa,” Baekhyun repeats.

 

“I won’t,” Hayun promises. They are silent for a little longer. “Do you think he loves you?”

 

“I don’t know, Hayun. I think so."

 

“He should, since you love him.”

 

“Love doesn’t work that way all the time.”

 

“That’s dumb. I’ll tell him—”

 

“You’ll do no such thing, you nosy little matchmaker,” Baekhyun says firmly. “Oppa will figure it out himself.”

 

“All right,” Hayun concedes, contrite.

 

Beams shine from the end of the driveway. Hayun squeals and hops up from her stool to run to the door, Baekhyun right behind her.

 

“Hey,” Junmyeon says when Hayun pulls open the door, giving her a quick pat on the head while his eyes find Baekhyun.

 

“Hey,” Baekhyun returns, motioning him inside. 

 

“I know you guys are dating,” Hayun announces as soon as the door is shut. “But don’t worry. I’m _shhhh_.” She mimes zipping her lips closed, locking them, and throwing away the key.

 

“She guessed,” Baekhyun says when Junmyeon looks at him questioningly.

 

“You’re a smart one, then, aren’t you?” Junmyeon says to Hayun.

 

Hayun nods, smiling but keeping her lips clamped shut like they really are zippered together. And then— “Junmyeon-oppa, do you love Baekhyun-oppa?”

 

Baekhyun buries his face in his hands, kind of wanting to just sink into the floor or poof into nonexistence, but Junmyeon just wraps an arm around Baekhyun’s mortified body and gives him a sound kiss on the temple. “Yep,” he says. “Why else do you think I put up with him?”

 

“Hey!” Baekhyun protests, emerging from his palms and pretending to be angry, but he really just wants to scream. _You knew he loves you, idiot,_ he told himself. _He’s said so before_. But somehow, Junmyeon admitting it to someone else, even if that someone else was just his little sister, made it seem more real.

 

“Let’s cook something,” Junmyeon suggests, linking his fingers through Baekhyun’s and pulling him to the kitchen. Hayun follows.

 

“I told you not to say anything to him!” Baekhyun hisses to her as they walk down the hall.

 

Hayun just gives him a smug look, her eyes glimmering with laughter. “It worked out fine, didn’t it?”

 

She is right, and Baekhyun doesn't have an answer to that.

 

Junmyeon and Baekhyun work together to make pasta, and they also make a bit of a mess, but it’s okay. After dinner, Hayun says she’s going to go play in her room.

 

“All right,” Baekhyun says. “Come get us if you need anything. We’ll be down at nine to tuck you in, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

So Baekhyun and Junmyeon climb the stairs to Baekhyun’s room. Neither of them have much homework, so they change into comfy things and just talk. Junmyeon pulls Baekhyun into his lap and leans against the headboard, and they sit there like that, sharing air and curled up together, one body fluidly becoming the other. 

 

“Did Hayun ask you if I loved you?” Junmyeon asks.

 

“Yes.”

 

“What did you say?”

 

“I said I thought so.”

 

“Only thought?”

 

“I… I didn’t want to sound arrogant?”

 

Junmyeon sits up close to Baekhyun so that their noses are touching. “I love you.”

 

“I know,” Baekhyun replies, embarrassed. “I love you, too.”

 

Junmyeon smiles and brushes their noses against each other before tipping his head to kiss Baekhyun. Junmyeon's hands, strong and steady against his back, keep Baekhyun upright as _his_ hands fly to Junmyeon’s face, fingers splayed and cupping his jaw and cheeks.

 

“I wish we could tell everyone,” Junmyeon whispers when they break apart.

 

“I know,” Baekhyun says. “But we can’t.”

 

“I know.” Junmyeon closes his eyes and leans into Baekhyun’s hands. The beginnings of tears sting, and Baekhyun blinks them away harshly. 

 

“My mom likes you,” Baekhyun says, to change the subject. “I mean, she doesn’t know we’re dating, but she likes you.”

 

“Yeah?” Junmyeon reopens his eyes.

 

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says. “She called you a keeper. She says she’s glad you make me happy.”

 

“That sounds like acceptance to me.” Junmyeon sighs. “But I know it’s not.”

 

Baekhyun nods dejectedly.

 

“Mm.” Junmyeon pulls Baekhyun closer until their chests are pressed against each other. “Once we put Hayun to sleep, do you want to go out for a drive? I think it would be fun to park in the middle of a field somewhere, maybe watch the sky.”

 

“That sounds fun,” Baekhyun agrees softly, turning his head to kiss the point of Junmyeon’s jaw. He anchors his right leg on the mattress beside Junmyeon’s left thigh and swings his other leg around so that he is straddling Junmyeon. He keeps himself scooted back so that it is still sort of innocent, but Junmyeon’s gaze has darkened a little and Baekhyun knows his own has as well.

 

“What?” Junmyeon whispers.

 

“Maybe we could try… today,” Baekhyun stutters out.

 

“Do you think you’re ready?” Junmyeon asks lowly. “I don’t want to rush you.”

 

“I think so,” Baekhyun says. “I can’t be scared of everything forever.”

 

Junmyeon kisses him, long and deep, grabbing his hips in his big hands and bringing him closer. “We’ll go really slow, I’ll be as gentle as I can. If anything starts feeling uncomfy, you promise you’ll tell me?”

 

“Yes,” Baekhyun agrees, heart pounding half from arousal and half from a sort of skittish anticipation.

 

“I don’t expect anything from you but honesty, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

Junmyeon rolls his hips up and Baekhyun gasps softly, but then Junmyeon smiles and tickles Baekhyun’s waist so that he pitches forward in a fit of giggles. “We still have to put Hayun to bed,” Junmyeon reminds him. “Then we can go.”

 

“What time is it?”

 

“Like eight-thirty.”

 

“A whole half hour.”

 

“God, how horrible. A whole half hour—” Junmyeon squeezes the crease between Baekhyun’s hips and thighs “—with me? What _ever_ will you do?” 

 

“I might just die, if you decide that what  _you’re_ going to be doing is teasing me.”

 

“Teasing you?” Junmyeon gives him a fake innocent look. “Where?”

 

“You live to tease me, in every situation and circumstance and meaning of the word.”

 

“I live to—” 

 

“Don’t do it, this isn’t the time to be greasy—” 

 

“—love you, in every situation, circumstance, in every meaning of the word.”

 

“Stop it.” Baekhyun blushes. “How do you know you mean that?”

 

“What?”

 

“What about a month from now, will you still mean it then?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“A year from now? Two years, when you’ve graduated?” Baekhyun raises his eyebrows. “You can’t know.”

 

“Let me live in the moment for once,” Junmyeon says softly, brushing hair out of Baekhyun’s eyes. “You don’t always have to think so far ahead.”

 

“Yes I do,” Baekhyun whispers.

 

“You don’t.”

 

He _does._ He knows that. But he lets it drop.

 

The moon has risen. She is half-full today, but still sparkles down pure and bright. Junmyeon’s face shines in the glow, he glitters. Baekhyun lays his fingertips against the spots of light on his cheeks. Junmyeon smiles, turns his head and presses kisses to Baekhyun’s palm. Baekhyun smiles down at him, breathing out giggles when Junmyeon’s lips tickles his hand. 

 

“What is it?” Junmyeon asks peaceably, turning back to meet Baekhyun’s eyes.

 

“You’re so pretty,” Baekhyun murmurs and it feels a little flat because he feels like there needs to be something after, like _baby_ but only different.

 

“You’re pretty, too, baby,” Junmyeon replies and it just cements the feeling and leaves Baekhyun confused, but not knowing how to ask. Junmyeon checks his watch. “It’s eight-fifty. Let’s make our way down to Hayun. Up, up.”

 

Baekhyun clambers off Junmyeon and they walk back down to Hayun’s room together. She is sitting in a bunny onesie and blow-drying her hair. Baekhyun takes the blow-dryer from her and finishes up the job, then helps her settle in to bed.

 

“Bedtime story?” Junmyeon asks.

 

“Aren’t I too old for bedtime stories?” 

 

“You’re ten, that’s super not too old,” Baekhyun protests.

 

“Tell me ‘bout how you two met,” Hayun says.

 

“It’s not that interesting,” Baekhyun says. “Only that Junmyeon nearly made me fall off the roof of the school in shock.”

 

“What?”

 

“I did not!” Junmyeon says. “You’re over-exaggerating.”

 

“I was sitting on the edge of the roof and you scared me.”

 

“It’s not my fault you were sitting on the edge of the roof.”

 

“Anyway,” Baekhyun says, turning back to Hayun. “That’s how we met.”

 

“Why were you on the roof?” she asks

 

“It’s closer to the sky,” Baekhyun says. “And less noisy.”

 

Hayun nods, blinking sleepily.

 

“All right,” Junmyeon says, smoothing down Hayun’s hair. “We’ll let you sleep. Night light on?”

 

“Yes please.”

 

“Okay.” Baekhyun kisses her forehead. “Sleep well.”

 

“You too,” Hayun mumbles. “And Junmyeon-oppa.”

 

“Thanks, Hayun.” Junmyeon grins and clicks on the night light, turning off the big overhead light in the process, and follows Baekhyun out of her bedroom, closing the door behind them. “You ready to go, baby?”

 

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says, feeling a nervous-excitement tremor run through him. “Uh—should I, um, maybe wash up?”

 

“If you want,” Junmyeon says. “While you do that, let me grab a couple blankets—maybe a pillow, too. We want to be comfy.” 

 

Baekhyun hurries back to his room, stripping in record time and hopping into the shower for a quick rinse. He wants to be perfect for Junmyeon, and he takes extra care.

 

Junmyeon is waiting for him by the front door when he is finished. He is holding two blankets, and he throws the pillow at Baekhyun, and then pulls out his keys and heads out the door. Baekhyun locks the front door behind him, pocketing his keys and hurries to catch up.

 

They drive like they always do—slow and quiet and safe. Junmyeon pulls down an empty lane and they drive and drive and drive until Baekhyun can see the faint city lights behind them. He fidgets as they go, stomach clenching and unclenching in waves of alternating apprehension and excitement. Junmyeon pulls into a park and goes to the very back corner of the parking lot and stops the car. There is open fields in front of them, and beyond, a forest. The sky stretches far up above and Baekhyun swears he’s never seen so many stars.

 

“It’s beautiful,” Baekhyun says as Junmyeon unbuckles his seatbelt, and reaches over to undo Baekhyun’s when he doesn’t do it himself.

 

“Yes,” Junmyeon agrees, kissing Baekhyun’s temple. “Not unlike you.” He kisses Baekhyun’s jaw, then draws back. “Backseat has more room, come on.” He cracks the windows so they don’t suffocate, and then crawls to the back before helping Baekhyun.

 

Baekhyun lands half on top of him, but Junmyeon doesn’t seem to mind, just goes to kissing Baekhyun’s chest, pushing his shirt up and shifting so that he’s in a slightly more comfortable position. 

 

It’s a good thing they’re both short (Baekhyun is trying to figure out how they would fit if they both had as much body as Chanyeol or Yifan). Baekhyun raises his arms and Junmyeon pulls the shirt over them and tosses it to the front passenger seat, before taking off his own shirt and throwing it to the driver’s seat, where it sort of hangs off the steering wheel. Baekhyun traces Junmyeon’s muscles on his chest and stomach (Junmyeon grins a little and flexes them and Baekhyun flushes and swats him). Junmyeon brings his hands up to Baekhyun’s waist, and even though they’re the same height, Junmyeon is just bigger somehow, and Baekhyun loves feeling like he can hide in Junmyeon’s hands.

 

Baekhyun wasn’t sure what Junmyeon thought of him—he knew he was understanding about his nerves and his fear, but he wondered if Junmyeon just thought that he had no sex drive. Because that definitely wasn’t true—on nights when he was alone and not in a very dark mood, Baekhyun would sometimes think of Junmyeon and he knew that this day was coming, so he “practiced”, so to speak. He’s bought himself a little bottle of lube (and agonized over where to put it, though it was more the general mortification that came with thinking about one’s parents finding out that one was having sex as opposed to a more homophobia-related fear—straight people use lube too), and on those nights he put a towel in his mouth so that no one would hear him, and worked his fingers into his ass. It was painful and difficult and awkward at first, but he got better at it, and his body got more used to it, and now, he is excited to see Junmyeon’s reaction when he opens up easier than before.

 

Junmyeon taps the waist of Baekhyun’s sweats, raising his eyebrows. Baekhyun nods, and Junmyeon tugs them off deftly, flipping them over somehow at the same time without hurting either of them (a considerable feat, what with the cramped back seat). Baekhyun’s head lands on the pillow with a _whump,_ and the strength with which Junmyeon had tossed him makes his dick throb in his underwear. 

 

“Junmyeon,” he gasps out and Junmyeon smiles sweetly ( _what a contrast)_ and bends over him, caging him in with his strong arms and making him feel safe. 

 

“Baby,” Junmyeon replies, pressing a hot line of kisses down Baekhyun’s jaw. He rolls his hips down unexpectedly, and Baekhyun bucks up at the sudden contact. Junmyeon gives a soft snarl, and kicks off his own sweats and boxers, never straying from Baekhyun for very long. Baekhyun struggles out of his underwear, suddenly feeling almost desperate. Junmyeon sits back on his heels and pulls out a small bottle of lube from underneath the driver’s seat.

 

“Do you always keep that in here?” Baekhyun asks, shocked.

 

“No, just recently, just in case.”

 

“Just in case?” Baekhyun pretends to look scandalized.

 

“You know,” Junmyeon says, giving him a cheeky smirk. “Can you spread your legs for me, baby?” Baekhyun's right leg is easy but there isn’t really anywhere for his left to go except up, so Junmyeon hooks Baekhyun’s ankle over his right shoulder and then begins slicking up his fingers. “Remember, if anything feels bad, tell me, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Good.” Junmyeon pushes his index finger into Baekhyun, obviously with more ease than he was expecting. He looks at Baekhyun in surprise, and Baekhyun grins toothily, wiggling his hips in effort to coax Junmyeon’s finger deeper. 

 

“What?” Baekhyun asks innocently.

 

Junmyeon narrows his eyes, a shadow falling over his face. “Have you been letting someone else touch you here?”

 

“ _What_?” Baekhyun splutters. “ _No_ , Junmyeon, do you really think I’d trust anyone other than you?”

 

The shadow clears and the smile is back. “You’ve been practicing prepping yourself for me?”

 

“Yes,” Baekhyun says, and even though he’d rehearsed this moment in his head to be a lot more sultry, he grows shy under Junmyeon’s adoring gaze. 

 

Junmyeon leans closer, pumping his finger in and out, and, when it becomes almost too easy, he adds a second. “Did you think of me?” he murmurs softly, lips ghosting the shell of Baekhyun’s ear. “When you fingered yourself, did you think of me?"

 

Baekhyun shivers, from his tone and his touch and the fingers that _still haven’t stopped._ “Yes,” he says, and it comes out almost as a moan. “I did.”

 

“Good. I’d be mad if you said you hadn’t.” Satisfied, Junmyeon leans back again to focus on his fingers, curling them like last time, only this time Baekhyun’s ready because he’s done it to himself more times than he’d like to say. He still arches up when Junmyeon hits his prostate, but he breathes his way through it now. The feelings are less sharp and scary. He’s safe. No one will see. The entire world is just him and Junmyeon right now and that’s all he cares about.

 

Junmyeon adds a third finger, but Baekhyun can take it because he’s gone up to four by himself.

 

“Damn, Baek,” Junmyeon says, seeming delighted. “You’re taking this so well, I’m so proud.” He anchors his free hand on Baekhyun’s thigh, and traces random patterns into it with his thumb. Baekhyun trembles at the praise. “Do you want to try four?

 

Baekhyun nods, and Junmyeon patiently works his pinky finger in. Baekhyun has forgotten that Junmyeon’s fingers are thicker than his own, and it’s a stretch he’s not used to. But Junmyeon moves slowly and after a minute the pain disappears. He works his fingers in and out until the movement is smooth and Baekhyun is gasping at how full he feels. 

 

Junmyeon pulls his fingers out and Baekhyun whimpers at the loss. Junmyeon smiles at him, running a hand up and down his thigh in effort to soothe him as he spreads lube over his dick.

 

“Want you,” Baekhyun mumbles, involuntarily clenching around air. “Please.”

 

“Remember,” Junmyeon says as he lines himself up. “We can stop at any time. All you have to do is tell me.”

 

“I know,” Baekhyun says, but he’s distracted by the feeling of the head of Junmyeon’s cock against his ass. He clenches again, heat coursing down his arms and torso and pooling in his fingertips and stomach.

 

“Ready?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“You sure?"

 

“Junmyeon, I swear to god, just fuck me, or I’ll—” Baekhyun doesn’t get the chance to finish his sentence. Junmyeon pushes into him and even if he’s going slow, all words get caught in the hollow of Baekhyun’s throat. He grips Junmyeon’s shoulders as Junmyeon sinks in, leaning forward. Baekhyun watches his abs tighten and define as he bottoms out.  

 

If Baekhyun thought Junmyeon’s _fingers_ felt nice, it’s nothing compared to this. He’s stuffed so full and the tip of Junmyeon’s dick is pressed against his prostate and he has to close his eyes against it because there’s just too much for him to be taking in at once.

 

He feels one of Junmyeon’s hands in his hair. “You doing okay, baby?” Junmyeon murmurs.

 

Baekhyun nods desperately. “I just need a second—it’s not bad, I’m not scared, I promise—it’s just so—good and a lot,” he explains poorly.

 

He hears Junmyeon chuckle. “All right. Let me know when I can move.”

 

Baekhyun takes a couple steadying breaths and opens his eyes to find Junmyeon staring right down at him. “You can move,” he all but squeaks.

 

Not breaking eye contact, Junmyeon pulls almost all the way back out, and the pushes in again. It’s faster the the first one, but still careful and slow. It’s nice that he cares, but Baekhyun is really hoping that’s not how it’s going to be the whole time. 

 

Junmyeon does keep that pace for a while, gazing down at Baekhyun the whole time, lovingly, and it’s sweet and nice but Baekhyun _needs_ more. He clenches insistently, and Junmyeon raises his eyebrows.

 

“What?”

 

“Faster, please,” Baekhyun whispers back, and Junmyeon grins.

 

“You’re sure?”

 

“I’m sure, I need it, Junmyeon, please,” Baekhyun says, his voice rough.

 

Junmyeon delivers; he snaps his hips out and thrusts back in quickly, hitting Baekhyun’s prostate and making him moan. If Baekhyun had the time, he would be embarrassed, but he doesn’t because Junmyeon just picks it up from there, ramming into him. Baekhyun is very grateful for the pillow, because the top of his head would probably be hurting and bruised by the end of the night from the door handle behind it. 

 

A nice, pretty sheen of sweat has broken out across Junmyeon’s body; splotches of red appear across his chest as his hair begins to fall in his eyes in damp strips. And to Baekhyun, it’s absolutely _gorgeous._ Junmyeon lowers himself down so that they are skin to skin, Baekhyun’s leaking cock trapped between their bodies. Junmyeon presses kiss after kiss into Baekhyun’s collarbone and neck, murmuring praises in between breaths. Baekhyun wraps his legs around the backs of Junmyeon’s thighs, following his thrusts with little stutters of his own hips.

 

Baekhyun covers his mouth as he lets out a particularly loud groan, but Junmyeon takes his hand away. “I want to hear you,” he says sweetly, almost pleadingly.

 

“But what if someone else hears?” Baekhyun asks.

 

“Oh, baby,” Junmyeon says, his brows creasing. He doesn’t say anything else, but Baekhyun tries not to worry so much, refocusing himself on how good everything feels, how nice Junmyeon’s lips are against his jaw, his hands on his arms and wrists.

 

The moon shines through the windshield, and in the blue dark Junmyeon looks like a god. Even though he’s saying all sorts of things about how Baekhyun is _such a pretty boy_ and how he _feels so perfect,_ Baekhyun can’t help but think he’s a little inferior. Junmyeon looks like he sculpted out of marble, and he makes a mental note to tell him so when they’re both in more coherent states of mind.

 

With each push, Junmyeon’s body brushes against Baekhyun’s cock and suddenly Baekhyun feels so dizzy and fuzzy. He begins to think and feel less in words and more in colors and sounds and images—Junmyeon heaving himself up for a better angle, the way Baekhyun sees stars, his jaw dropping, how he knows he looks ridiculous, practically drooling because Junmyeon’s cock is shoved up his ass and fucking him so well—Junmyeon hooks two fingers into Baekhyun’s mouth, and Baekhyun sucks on them eagerly, swirling his tongue and tasting Junmyeon’s sweat.

 

“Do you wanna come, baby?” Junmyeon pants out harshly.

 

“Mm-hm, mm-hm.” It’s all Baekhyun can do to say _yes, yes, please_ , around Junmyeon’s fingers and around the hazy wall in his mind. But Junmyeon understands and reaches down with the other hand (how is he holding himself up? Baekhyun has no idea) to jerk Baekhyun off.

 

“Come for me,” Junmyeon murmurs, removing his fingers from Baekhyun’s mouth (a smart decision, Baekhyun later realizes, seeing as he may have literally bitten Junmyeon’s fingers off) and Baekhyun can’t disobey. He arches up, every single muscle in his body aching and cramping and tensing. He shoots come down his front and it’s messy and sticky and hot but Baekhyun can’t care because he can’t see, can barely hear, doesn’t register his own choked off moans, or Junmyeon’s needy grunts as he rocks himself to his own orgasm—

 

Junmyeon doesn’t collapse down on top of him. Baekhyun appreciates it, especially considering how he is feeling pretty boneless. Instead, he pulls out and sits back against the opposite window, chest heaving. Too soon, though, Baekhyun begins to feel exposed and cold. He reaches to Junmyeon, and Junmyeon pulls him up to cradle him into his chest, rubbing his back reassuringly until Baekhyun can dip back down into that softer, safer place.

 

“How’re you doing?” Junmyeon asks him.

 

“Good,” Baekhyun slurs back. “Sleepy. Sticky, though.”

 

Baekhyun can feel the smile on Junmyeon’s lips when he kisses his cheek. “I have Wet Ones in the front.” He lowers Baekhyun back down on the blankets at reaches to get them, handing a couple to Baekhyun before tending to himself.

 

Baekhyun feels come leaking out of his ass and blushes immediately. He tries to surreptitiously wipe it away, but there’s more than just a little. Junmyeon notices and laughs.

 

“Sorry, baby, my fault,” he says softly, reaching down to help him. “There. We’ll shower when we get back.”

 

He hands Baekhyun his clothes and they both help each other dress, sneaking in kisses when they can. On the ride back, they roll down the windows to let heat and the smell of sex and sweat filter out into the night. Even though Junmyeon likes to focus on the road when he drives, at stop lights he looks over to catch Baekhyun’s eye, and when their gazes do meet, he breaks out into a big, sappy smile. Baekhyun can’t help but laugh, and Junmyeon starts laughing too. 

 

When they get to the door of Baekhyun’s house, the entire neighborhood is sleeping. They slip off their shoes, leaving them on the front porch. It is one a.m., and Junmyeon ushers Baekhyun into the shower. He pulls out a new set of pajamas for them both, and they curl up in bed together. 

 

The next morning, in spite of it all, there’s no ash under Baekhyun’s fingernails or on his windowsill, no salt in the corners of his eyes and in his hair, and just the faintest burn of smoke in his lungs. Junmyeon hums old love songs as he attempts pancakes, and Hayun tells them about a dream she had. Baekhyun and Junmyeon sneak glances across the table in the sunlit dining room and Baekhyun thinks he’s never been this in love. Baekhyun thinks he’s never, ever been this happy.


	15. [15]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all aboard the train to angstville

[15] It is the spring of Baekhyun’s freshman year, and the flowers are out to bloom. It is the season of green and roses and weddings, of cherry blossoms and confessions and picnic dates.

 

Baekhyun is walking down to a candy shop with Myunghwa because they have a sale on chocolates. They are laughing and skipping, swinging their clasped hands between them and anyone would think they were dating, Baekhyun realizes. He doesn’t drop her hand. There are worse things that people could think.

 

The street that the candy shop is on is lined with all sorts of shops. They pass a florist and Myunghwa steals a sprig of lavender and tucks it in her hair. Baekhyun breathes in the smooth, sweet scent that mixes with the sugar-y smell of the bakery that they are coming upon.

 

The sky is so clear and bright and Baekhyun didn’t see it coming because he is too sun-drunk and happy—there is a crash inside the bakery, the sounds of angry voices, and then an entire cake is hurled out over the sidewalk and lands with a sad thud on the street beyond. It was a wedding cake—white and decorated with pearls and pretty baby blue frosting. It’s smashed open on its side now, and Baekhyun can see the marbled cake inside. 

 

It barely misses Baekhyun and Myunghwa, and they stop short, clutching each others hands, and stare. An employee shoves a livid woman out the door. She has frosting on her fingertips—she must have been the one who threw it. 

 

“You’ll be paying for that, ma’am,” the employee says in an impressively calm voice, holding out a hand. “It was five and a half thousand won. I spent an hour on the decorations.”

 

“I will do no such thing!” The woman flung her arm towards the smashed cake. Baekhyun looked to where her trembling finger was pointing. “How could you market your products—how could you make products—for _that?_ ” 

 

She is pointing at the cake topper, which is half buried in the melting frosting. But Baekhyun can see what it is, and he knows Myunghwa must too because she gasps and her hand tightens around his. It’s a little figurine of two men in suits, dancing. 

 

And all of a sudden the salt and smoke is all back. It burns Baekhyun’s throat; he feels sick, unable to tear his gaze from the collapsing baby blue cake. He is afraid to look at the woman, afraid that she’ll point at _him_ next—

 

She does, she turns and points to him and Myunghwa. She marches up and holds up their clasped hands. “This is how things are supposed to be!” she says, shaking their limp wrists. Baekhyun and Myunghwa don’t know what to do, just stand there and let her use them as an example of _how love is supposed to be_. “Anything else is unnatural,” she says. “You had that up in the window, what if little children saw? It’s all fine if it happens behind closed doors, but God! Up in all of our faces like that. I’m telling my friends to boycott your bakery.”

 

“That’s fine,” the employee says, gritting his teeth, “but you still need to pay.”

 

The woman drops Baekhyun and Myunghwa’s arms. “Just so you can make another one? I won’t.”

 

“You destroyed a cake.”

 

“I destroyed an offensive symbol.”

 

“If we all went around destroying everything that offended us, we would be living in a city of dust and bones.” The employee takes a step toward her. “You’ll pay for it.”

 

Myunghwa tugs on Baekhyun’s arm and they get away quickly, running into the street around the cake and then back up to the sidewalk.

 

“I don’t want chocolate anymore,” Baekhyun says quietly.

 

“Me either,” Myunghwa says. “I can’t believe that woman! I mean, even if she has to be hateful, she shouldn’t destroy someone’s work. That baker must have spent so much time on it… and why should she care? It’s just a cake. It wasn’t like she was being invited to their wedding.”

 

Baekhyun tries to steady himself, knowing that if he appears to care too much Myunghwa will get suspicious. As much as he appreciates her and trusts her as a friend, he knows he isn’t ready for anyone to know. He looks back at the cake; the woman is grudgingly paying the bakery employee. 

 

“It almost hit us,” Baekhyun says.

 

“How did she lift it?” Myunghwa wonders as they pass the candy shop. “Spite?”

 

“Rage?” Baekhyun adds, trying to make light of it. Myunghwa laughs and Baekhyun folds into himself. He takes her hand again and wonders if he’ll ever get a wedding cake like that one, or if he’ll have to hide it for the rest of his life. _Maybe she has a son that married a man. Maybe they haven’t spoken in years; maybe she was invited to their wedding but didn’t go. Maybe that’s why she was that angry._

 

_Will that be my mother if_ I _marry a man?_

 

_Can I live with that?_

 

* * *

 

_I feel like my heart is wrong in a million ways. I feel like my heart is wrong in a million ways._ Baekhyun can’t think of anything else to write in his diary and so this is his static. It would be so much easier if he could just like girls. Like Myunghwa, for example—she is pretty and kind and Baekhyun is sure that if he were straight he wouldn’t find difficulty in liking her. Maybe they would be dating if he were straight. He isn’t sure.

 

Sometimes it really feels like Baekhyun is The Only Gay Person In The Whole World Ever. No one else he knows is out, at least, and there’s like maybe two celebrities he can think of as an example. It’s _lonely_ and he can’t keep bothering Hayun about it, and he can’t tell anyone—

 

He chokes on silence. He chokes on smoke.

 

He revisits the ocean at night many times after that day. It’s still cold from the winter, but he likes it, likes that it numbs him, likes that it stifles the burning in his throat and lungs. The salt grows in his sheets; he finds grains of it in all his clothes—and the ash too, in piles on his windowsill, turning the tips of his nails black from it all. But still he goes, to be close to the moon, to feel her gentle light, to feel the touch of the waves on his tired skin.

 

His hands threaten to dry and crack from the wear and tear, but he has to keep going back. When he closes his eyes all he can think of is ten, fifteen years down the road when he’s married and it’s either to a girl and he can’t breathe or it’s to a boy and he can’t hear and either way he isn’t happy.

 

_My heart is wrong in a million ways, and it’s not fair._

 

* * *

 

It’s almost the end of the year when he finds out they’ll be moving again. All the girls cry, even Myunghwa, and the few guy friends he’s made give him sad smiles and pats on the back. At the beginning of that summer, they pack up and move to a new city. Baekhyun’s almost grateful—it’s a fresh start.

 

At first, he gets lots of texts and calls from his old friends, but as the next school year draws nearer and nearer, they get fewer and farther between. Only Myunghwa keeps him updated consistently, but even then, after a while their messages are sporadic. 

 

He never forgets her, though, and the things she gave him. Sometimes he wonders if he should have told her everything, if maybe she really deserved that kind of trust, but now there’s no real way to tell. It’s in the past.

 

But even though he’s in a new bed, a new room, the salt and ash follow him. As September draws in and he finds himself gearing up to be thrust into another new school, it seems that he can’t breath in anything but that. 

 

The night before the first day, he can’t sleep. The moon makes her steady path across the sky and Baekhyun counts the stars and wonders if any of them are shining for him. He doesn’t think so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh thanks for reading! hit me up with a comment or send me an ask on [tumblr](https://www.suhos-lotto.tumblr.com/ask) if you have any feelings about this story at all lol!


	16. [16]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who loves more angst? its me

It is Christmas time now, a few weeks after Baekhyun and Junmyeon first slept together in Junmyeon’s car. Junmyeon is talking about how it would be great if their families could get together for Chirstmas, or maybe New Years, “like a real couple,” he says, with shining eyes, and it breaks Baekhyun’s heart.

 

“We can’t try anything like that,” he murmurs. “It’s too risky.”

 

“They won’t know.”

 

“What if your parents make some joking comment at dinner and it makes mine suspicious?” Baekhyun asks. 

 

“Baek… are you just going to hide from them forever?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Like, when you get married—you’re going to marry a man, I’m assuming—are you just gonna, oh, I don’t know, say, ‘Gee, Mom, I totally forgot to invite you… she and I are very happy’?” Junmyeon frowns. “You’ll have to tell them sometime; when? How?”

 

“I don’t know, Junmyeon!” Baekhyun says, snaps, in exasperation. “I don’t know! Stop pushing me! If you want a more public relationship, you’ll just have to find someone else! I’m sorry I’m not good enough for that!”

 

And then he scoops up his lunch stuff and marches huffily down the stairs. Feeling sick with fear, and sick at the ugly feelings in his chest, and guilty about yelling at Junmyeon, who’s really done nothing except protect him, he can’t finish the rest of his lunch. He flushes the half-eaten kimbap down the toilet instead.

 

That afternoon, he hurries out of his last class, waving a quick goodbye to Chanyeol, and ducks into his dad’s car.

 

“Isn’t Junmyeon coming over today?”

 

Baekhyun shakes his head quickly, buckling the seatbelt. “He had a change of plans.”

 

“All right.”

 

Junmyeon texts him that night, many times, and nothing suspicious, either, just:

 

_ Can we talk? _

 

_ Baekhyun, please tell me if you can call me. _

 

_ Baekhyun, are you busy? _

 

_ Call me when you can. _

 

_ Are you getting these? _

 

_ Are you okay? _

 

_ Are you safe? _

 

_ I’ll see you at school tomorrow. If you have time later tonight though, please call me. _

 

_ Even if it’s late. _

 

_ I’ll be at our normal lunch spot, if we don’t talk before then. _

 

Baekhyun, being savage but mostly just scared, doesn’t respond to them and doesn’t call, just turns his phone off and goes to bed.

 

He is bleary-eyed and achy the next day, not having slept very well. Normally, he and Junmyeon meet quickly before school, but today Baekhyun avoids the front doors and slips off to his first class without seeing him, chewing his lip in worry the whole time.

 

“You good?” Minseok asks in Sculpture. “You look upset.”

 

“I’m fine,” Baekhyun mutters. “Just tired.”

 

Despite his fear, Baekhyun still goes up to the roof at lunch. Junmyeon is waiting, facing the door when Baekhyun gets there. He unfolds his arms and holds them out to Baekhyun with a pleading look on his face.

 

Baekhyun sighs and drops his lunch bag and walks into them.

 

As soon as Junmyeon’s arms close around him, Junmyeon pulls him down so that they’re both sitting (no one can see them from the ground that way) and holds him close. “Baby,” he murmurs. “Baby. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you. I’m sorry about what I said. We are a real couple, even if not everyone sees it. You’re right, it’s risky. You  _ are _ good enough for me; you’re  _ more than _ good enough for me. I don’t need a more public relationship. I need  _ you _ .”

 

He addresses all the things that were eating at Baekhyun, and Baekhyun relaxes in his arms, burying his face in Junmyeon’s chest. “I’m sorry I yelled at you,” he replies, and then they’re both crying. Junmyeon is giving him wet kisses in his hair and all over his face.

 

“I don’t like it when you’re not with me,” Junmyeon mumbles against Baekhyun’s temple. “I was worried about you last night.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun repeats, sniffling. “I should have at least texted you back.”

 

“Let’s promise each other that as long as we’re friends, we’ll always let the other know that we’re home and safe, even and especially when we’re fighting.” Junmyeon takes Baekhyun’s hand. “Promise?”

 

“Promise,” Baekhyun says firmly. Junmyeon pulls him close again and gives him more kisses until Baekhyun is giggling and batting him away. “We still have to eat!”

 

“Yes,” Junmyeon agrees, giving him a smile. “So you’ll come over tonight?”

 

“Of course I will.”

 

“And we’ll still see each other over break?”

 

“If you think I’m just going to sit by and not see you for two and a half weeks—if you think I’m going to voluntarily deprive myself of your dick for that long,” Baekhyun says, scooting forward to peck Junmyeon on the lips, “you’re nuts. We’ll see each other, all right.”

 

Junmyeon laughs. “I’m glad.” He knocks his forehead against Baekhyun’s. “I love you.”

 

Baekhyun closes his eyes, smiling broadly. “I love you, too.”

 

Anyone who says that by saying  _ I love you  _ too many times makes it lose its meaning is being ridiculous. Baekhyun loves being reminded. He loves that if Junmyeon tells him he loves him eight times in one day, it means that he thought about how much he loves Baekhyun that many separate times over the course of the day and wanted to tell him. And he loves reminding Junmyeon, too. 

 

When break first begins, they still see each other most days. And when they don’t, they send Snapchats to each other, more than usual—it’s great because they disappear after you open them, so there’s no proof. Junmyeon sends Baekhyun soft videos of him singing to him, and Baekhyun listens to them before he sleeps on nights when he’s not in Junmyeon’s arms. And on the nights when he is, he falls asleep to Junmyeon whispering love into his ear, back flush to Junmyeon’s sturdy chest, heartbeats echoing one another’s.


	17. [17]

It is the first night after he breaks up with Junmyeon, and for the first time in months, Baekhyun settles to sleep alone with the knowledge he’ll sleep alone for a long time. He curls around himself and stares at the wall. It’s lonely, and cold—he’s become so accustomed to Junmyeon rocking him to sleep or singing him to sleep over the phone that this empty silence feels so cuttingly foreign. 

 

He doesn’t know how long he lays there, waiting for something, anything—he itches to text Junmyeon and say he didn’t mean it, that he was stupid, that he needs him more than he’s afraid of losing everything else, but he knows it isn’t true. And so all sorts of thoughts run around in his head like anxious rabbits.  _What will school be like tomorrow? What if I see Junmyeon, what will I do? What about his friends—my friends? Are they still my friends? Did he tell them? Will he tell them, about me, about us? What if—_

 

He hears a knock on his door, so he rolls over. “Who is it?” he asks softly.

 

“It’s Hayun.”

 

“Come in.”

 

She slips in and shuts the door behind her. She is clutching a soft bunny plushy. 

 

“Are Eomma and Appa worried?” Baekhyun whispers.

 

Hayun shakes her head, her hair falling into her face. “They don’t seem to have a clue.”

 

“Good.”

 

“I… I thought you might feel alone,” she continues. “I thought I might sleep with you tonight.”

 

Baekhyun smiles, tears welling in his eyes in gratitude. “That would be nice,” he says, and Hayun hops up on the bed with him. She puts the bunny plush between them, and then faces Baekhyun, tucks her chin in, and closes her eyes.

 

“I know nothing feels good right now,” she says quietly. “I’m sorry. I hope you’ll feel better soon.”

 

“Thanks, Hayun,” Baekhyun says, his voice trembling. They haven’t slept next to each other since they were little kids, and this, her warmth and her smell reminding him of being tiny and happy, is both soothing and almost overwhelming. “I hope I feel better soon, too.”

 

“Do you want me to go beat up Junmyeon-oppa?”

 

“It’s not hyung’s fault. It’s no one’s fault. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine.”

 

“It’s no one’s fault, then,” Hayun says, and the firm way she says it squeezes at Baekhyun’s heart. He kisses the top her head tenderly.

 

“Let’s go to sleep,” he says. “We have school tomorrow.”

 

“Okay. G’night, oppa.”

 

“Night, Hayun.”

 

* * *

 

Though sleep was still rocky and rough, Baekhyun gets more than he was expecting. Hayun’s soft breathing lulled him the night before, so he wakes up not feeling entirely dead. He stumbles to breakfast but can’t force down more than a few mouthfuls, and then he slips into the car to go to school.

 

Junmyeon isn’t at the front doors, waiting for him, like he used to be. Baekhyun didn’t expect it, is glad that he isn’t, is glad he won’t have to see him.

 

“What’s up with you and Junmyeon?” Luhan asks him softly at lunch. “Don’t you guys usually eat together?”

 

Baekhyun shrugs, not meeting his eyes. “We sort of… fell out.”

 

“Really?” Luhan raises his eyebrows. “You guys are best friends!”

 

“Were,” Baekhyun corrects, trying not to sound super miserable.

 

“Oh, come on, bro,” Luhan says airily. “You _are_ best friends, and even best friends fight. You’ll make up, and it’ll go back to how it was, you’ll see.”

 

“I don’t think it will. He probably hates me,” Baekhyun said wryly.

 

“You’re being silly,” Luhan replies. 

 

_No, I’m not,_ Baekhyun thinks, but he just shrugs and nods. 

 

Baekhyun knows awkward questions will arise and he doesn’t want there to be a difference in his and Junmyeon’s answers, so he begins to distance himself from the rest of the group. He turns down plans with everyone, spending most of his time in his room. Over the weekends, he drives to the nearest beach and sits on the sand for hours. Steadily, the others stop messaging him, stop talking to him in class, only nod to him in the halls. It feels like a hundred knives in Baekhyun’s heart, but _it’s better this way, easier,_ he convinces himself. He repeats it in his head until he can pretend he really believes it.

 

And then, one day, Junmyeon is waiting for him at his locker. His keys are in his hand and Baekhyun sees that paper crane he folded ages ago sitting on the ring. Junmyeon holds it so gently.

 

“I don’t want it to be like this,” he says as soon as Baekhyun draws near. Baekhyun grits his teeth and opens his locker, putting the door between him and Junmyeon, and grabs a couple books. “We can still be friends. You can still be friends with everyone else,” Junmyeon continues.

 

Baekhyun shuts the locker door and tries to walk away, but Junmyeon blocks him.

 

“Baekhyun, please.” Junmyeon’s voice cracks, grows pleading. "Won’t you at least look at me?”

 

“Excuse me, sunbae,” Baekhyun says quietly, coolly, levelly, still not raising his gaze. “I have to get to class.”

 

Junmyeon gives a pained sigh and leans back against the lockers to let him pass. He never tries to speak to him again, and when Baekhyun can’t sleep at night he repeats over and over, _I don’t need him. I don’t need him. It’s safer this way. I can’t ever be safe with him._

 

“Where’s Junmyeon?” his parents ask.

 

“Busy,” is all Baekhyun can manage. 

 

They frown at his retreating steps and exchange worried looks, but Baekhyun doesn’t care. There is no way he knows to even begin explaining all of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! come yell at me on my [tumblr](https://www.suhos-lotto.tumblr.com/ask) :^)


	18. [18]

[18] “It’s January,” Junmyeon groans, glaring at the snow. “I don’t like January.”

Baekhyun laughs. “Uh, why not?”

“It’s after the holiday season, but it’s still cold and stupid.”

“Snow’s not stupid.”

Junmyeon’s soft gaze turns to take in Baekhyun’s face. He smiles. “All right. The snow’s not stupid.”

“Apologize to the snow,” Baekhyun demands childishly, grinning when it gets Junmyeon to laugh.

“I’m sorry, snow!” he shouts out to the landscape. “I’ve committed a crime worthy of death! If Baekhyun loves you, then I will too!”

Baekhyun laughs brightly too, bringing a steaming spoonful of soup up to his lips, letting the warmth thaw his nose for a moment before drinking it. “How was your New Years?” he asks Junmyeon.

“Fine. Lonely without you.”

“Me too.”

There’s a pause where they both just look at each other, and Baekhyun feels a stirring unease about their fight from before break. They made up, but that doesn’t mean that Junmyeon’s gotten over it. He’s worried that he’ll bring it up again. Baekhyun knows he won’t know what to say.

He doesn’t bring it up. “You’re coming to my place tonight, right?”

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says, relieved. “Is your family going to be home?”

“Juwon has work and my parents are both working late, so not really.”

“We should build snowmen.”

“I feel like Hayun would be mad if we did that without her,” Junmyeon says, smiling at Baekhyun from the side of his eyes.

“Oh, come on, it’s not like the snow’s going to disappear by Thursday. We’ll just do it again when you’re at my house.” Baekhyun leans his head against Junmyeon’s shoulder. “Besides, it’ll be different if it’s just us.”

“You’re right,” Junmyeon agrees. “We should make snow angels.”

“Cold,” Baekhyun says.

“We can have hot cocoa after.”

“With marshmallows?”

“With marshmallows.”

“Okay, deal.”

On the way to Junmyeon’s, the snow picks up again. There are hardly any cars on the street and it is quiet and lovely. Junmyeon offers Baekhyun his hand, but Baekhyun shakes his head, feeling a part of him shrivel as he jams the hand deep into his coat pocket. Junmyeon doesn’t say anything.

It’s forgotten when they get to the house and Junmyeon is forcing more layers onto Baekhyun. (“You were the one complaining about the cold!” “Yeah, but I also don’t want to look like the Michelin Tire Guy.”). Once Junmyeon is satisfied that Baekhyun is properly bundled up, they head out to the backyard.

“Let’s build your family,” Baekhyun suggests. “When we got to my house, we’ll build mine.”

“Okay,” Junmyeon agrees, laughing. So they build a Mama Kim and a Papa Kim and a big Juwon and a smaller Junmyeon. Baekhyun sculpts a scarf onto Snow Junmyeon while real Junmyeon goes in search of things to use for eyes.

Baekhyun, feeling mischievous, scoops up a handful of snow, packs it, and hurls it at Junmyeon’s back. It hits him square between the shoulderblades and Junmyeon spins around.

“Byun Baekhyun, you really are in for it now!” He bends quickly and throws a snowball right back. It hits Baekhyun’s shoulder as he tries to dance away.

They continue like this for a few minutes (being careful of the snowmen, of course) until Baekhyun catches Junmyeon unarmed. He pretends like he’s going to stuff the entire fistful of snow right into Junmyeon’s face, but he drops it at the last second and gives him a kiss instead.

“All right,” Junmyeon whispers, brushing snow from Baekhyun’s hair. “You’re forgiven.”

“Snow angels, and then go in?”

“Yes.” Junmyeon sits down. “Do yours right next to me—we can make it look like they’re holding hands.”

Baekhyun balks. “Isn’t that a bit obvious?”

“Is it?”

“Junmyeon—I’m just not comfortable—you know it’s nothing personal—” Baekhyun flounders. He doesn’t know how to say no to these things without sounding like he doesn’t like Junmyeon, or doesn’t wish they could—if anything, it’s because he cares so much that he wants to keep it a secret, because the longer it’s a secret, the longer they can date.

“All right,” Junmyeon says softly, but Baekhyun hears the note of resignation in his voice and it makes him feel weird. “Do yours a little ways away then. We—we can sign them when we’re done.”

Baekhyun knows he’s really trying to put their mood back to normal, so he agrees, and they make their snow angels and sign underneath with freezing fingers. Once they’re done, they hurry inside to warm up, and for hot cocoa. Baekhyun works on the cocoa while Junmyeon starts a fire, and they sit together on the couch with the TV on as background and sip their hot cocoa and talk.

Junmyeon’s parents come home around eleven and make them go upstairs to bed. They close and lock the door and Junmyeon pulls Baekhyun close, tangling their legs and their fingers and giving him that cute, bright-cheeked smile that Baekhyun thinks he can’t live without.

The worry is worth this. It’s worth him, Baekhyun says to himself as he drifts to sleep with Junmyeon’s un-oppressive scent weaving around him. It doesn’t matter if we disagree about hiding it, or how much stress I feel from having to hide it. We’ll always be able to make it work. I have to believe that, because I don’t think I could ever give him up.

There are times where he’s not sure, though. Being free from that feels impossible, and a relationship without that freedom also feels impossible. Baekhyun knows Junmyeon is trying to be patient, but he’s not perfect. He’s still a kid, still variable and emotional and unpredictable, and Baekhyun knows that he can’t always count on Junmyeon to catch him when he falls.

The smoke is always there. It flares when Junmyeon kisses his throat on long, muffled nights, and when Baekhyun kisses him back he feels like he is living with two people in one body.


	19. [19]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO TIME FOR BOLD WARNINGS
> 
> this is the daddy kink chapter lmfao I said I'd do it and I did so uhhhhh if you don't want anything to do with it don't read this chapter it's mostly needless character development/a break from angstville so it's not like you /need/ to read it in order to understand the rest of the story
> 
> I would apologize but I gave up apologizing for my sins ages ago so

It is February, and Valentine’s Day is just a couple weeks away. Baekhyun’s not sure what he’s getting Junmyeon, but he knows he’ll think of something. 

Hayun is away at an overnight trip with her classmates, and that weekend, both of Baekhyun’s parents are away on business trips, so Junmyeon comes over. They order bulgogi and rice and take turns feeding each other. It’s disgustingly sweet, but Baekhyun is all giggles—he can’t help it. Things are sailing more smoothly now.

Junmyeon feels oddly serious this evening, though, and Baekhyun isn’t sure what to do. Once they throw the takeout boxes away, Baekhyun sits down opposite Junmyeon, who is picking at his nails. 

“Junmyeon, you seem… I don’t know. Subdued. What’s up?” Baekhyun asks nervously.

“It’s… uh, it’s nothing,” Junmyeon says, reaching his arm to scratch the back of his neck and giving Baekhyun an awkward smile.

“Are you mad at me?”

“My goodness, no,” Junmyeon says immediately. “I’m just thinking… about something… but I don’t really know how to… ah, never mind.”

“How to what?” Baekhyun presses, resting his chin in his palms and his elbows on the table.

“Explain… oh, fuck it. Listen, if you don’t—uh, don’t want to, just say so, and we’ll just—never bring it up again. Okay? I’ve just been, uh, thinking about it…” 

Baekhyun has never seen Junmyeon so uncomfortable. He’s usually very articulate, and it throws Baekhyun off to see him stuttering like this.

“Just say it,” Baekhyun encourages. “I won’t—I won’t laugh at you, or something. At least, I’ll try not to. It depends on what it is.”

“Y-yeah,” Junmyeon mumbles. “Okay. Uh. It’s, um, it’s mostly like… It’s another way for me to take care of you, I guess?”

“Okay,” Baekhyun says, confused.

“You can totally say no, again, but I was thinking—do you think—would you maybe—be interested in a, um, a dom-sub sort of relationship?” Junmyeon forces out. He continues quickly, “Not—not all the time if you don’t want to, but I think it would be kind of fun, I guess, and—” 

“Like, uh, Fifty Shades of Grey?” Baekhyun asks dubiously.

“No, no!” Junmyeon is bright red. “Oh, this was a bad decision. Um, listen, so Fifty Shades of Grey is a really, really bad representation of what, uh, BDSM is supposed to be like, and it also assumes that to be a dom you have to have had some really traumatic childhood experience that makes you a bad person, and that you have to be fixed, which I at least don’t think is true.” Junmyeon sounds like he’s almost grasping at straws, so Baekhyun waits patiently, unsure. “It’s—it’s just a, uh, a kink, I guess, and it can be whatever—whatever we want it to be, you know?”

“So… what would you want it to be?”

“You’re—you’re open to the idea?”

“I’m super out of my depth,” Baekhyun admits. “I mean, I know sort of what this is, and it’s—what, intriguing? But I feel like it would be better if I knew specifically what you had in mind.” 

“Okay,” Junmyeon says shakily. “Remember—if the idea really weirds you out or whatever, just—just say no, and we’ll never mention it again.”

“Junmyeon.”

“Okay, okay. Um, basically, I would be a very caring dom, and the idea is that I am responsible for you, which gives you a lot of freedom as long as you commit to following rules—rules which we will agree on beforehand, with punishments we agree on beforehand as well.”

“Okay, so… what would a I call you?” Baekhyun asked. “Master?” The word feels funny in his mouth.

Junmyeon laughs uncomfortably. “Well… no. There’s a specific type of BDSM relationship that’s referred to as 'dd/lb’, which stands for daddy/little boy and it’s less bad than it sounds—anyway, you would refer to me as Daddy, and I’ll call you baby, or baby boy, or my little prince, or, like, literally whatever you want, and I take care of you—and you don’t have to be in little space the whole time. We don’t have to, uh, play all the time—just whenever you need or want it—does that make sense?”

Baekhyun’s mind is reeling from the sudden load of information. Daddy? he thinks to himself, but somehow it doesn’t feel weird—at least, it doesn’t feel like master and that’s good. “Why don’t we—we don’t we try it? I mean, I feel like I’ll have a better idea of it if I experience it.”

“Are you sure?” Junmyeon asks. “You don’t think it’s—really weird?”

“I feel like there are weirder things to be into,” Baekhyun says, chewing his lip. “I mean, in a way, it sounds kinda sweet, you know?”

Junmyeon laughs—Baekhyun thinks it’s relief. “Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“So what were the rules you mentioned earlier?” Baekhyun asks.

“Oh. Um, just things like, you have to call me Daddy or—is sir okay with you?” When Baekhyun nods, Junmyeon continues. “Some days, maybe I choose what you wear. You have to ask—ask my permission to come—if any of this doesn’t sound okay, tell me.” Baekhyun nods again. “No talking back. And if you break rules—punishments would be like—spanking—or, oh, I don’t know. We can add them as you get more comfortable, I guess. And, most importantly, I’ll ask you for color—before we do something, and you should respond ‘green’, ‘yellow’, or ‘red’. Green means that you’re completely good to go. Yellow means go ahead, but you’re nearing you’re limit and you’re not sure if you’ll be able to do it. And red is everything stops—I step back, I don’t touch you until you say I can. Understand?”

“Yes,” Baekhyun says. “Are we going to try it now?”

“If you want,” Junmyeon agrees. Baekhyun nods. “Okay, you head to your room. Sit on your bed and wait for me. You don’t have to do anything, and remember not to touch yourself. I’ll wipe down the table, and I’ll be up in a second.”

“Okay.” Baekhyun agrees. Junmyeon raises his eyebrows. “I mean, yes, sir,” Baekhyun corrects as he stands.

“Good boy,” Junmyeon replies with a soft smile and for some reason all of this makes Baekhyun’s knees weak.

Baekhyun clambers onto the bed and sits criss-cross-applesauce and waits for Junmyeon. 

He isn’t far behind him. He closes the door as he walks in and heads straight to Baekhyun, giving him a kiss on the forehead. 

“We’ll do this slowly,” he says. “Remember, even if I don’t ask for a color, if you’re feeling red, just say so.”

“Yes, sir,” Baekhyun says, letting Junmyeon tug off his shirt and push him back against the pillows.

“This won’t be too much different, not today,” Junmyeon says. “Since I usually have control over things anyway.” He leans down and kisses Baekhyun’s collarbones, his sternum, his neck. His hands work carefully at the waist on Baekhyun’s jeans, unbuttoning and unzipping them and sliding them down along with his underwear. “Lube?”

“Uh, in the second drawer of the bedside, in the back.”

“Thanks, baby.” Junmyeon reaches for it, cracking it open and spreading a bit over one finger. He leans forward and presses a soft kiss to Baekhyun’s tummy; his breath tickles and Baekhyun laughs. Junmyeon smiles at him. “You’re so pretty.” 

“Stop. Untrue.”

“I’m never wrong.” Junmyeon shakes his head and leans back, spreading Baekhyun’s ass with one hand and carefully inserting his finger. “Am I, baby?”

“Maybe only sometimes, Daddy.” Baekhyun forces himself to try it, just to see how it would sound, how it would feel, and uses his sarcasm to hide his trepidation. But it feels all right—maybe more than that, even, or maybe just right, and he grins adorably at Junmyeon when he looks torn.

“I should punish you for talking back, but you’re too cute,” Junmyeon says. He works the second finger in, being a little rougher than he might normally be, but Baekhyun doesn’t mind too much. He anchors itself on Junmyeon’s bicep, clutching to him as he pumps his fingers in an out, successfully finding his prostate and hitting it each time. “You think you’re ready for three?”

“Whatever you think is best, Daddy,” Baekhyun says, remembering that Junmyeon wanted to have more ways to take care of him and make decisions for him. “But I think so.”

Junmyeon smiles and inserts the third finger, giving Baekhyun a moment to adjust before resuming his movement, stretching forward for kisses every now and then until it becomes easy. And just like always, he adds the forth finger and Baekhyun keens because it’s almost there but not quite. Once he’s used to the stretch again, he starts whining at Junmyeon to hurry up.

“Baby,” Junmyeon says sternly. “I get to decide when you’re ready because I don’t want to hurt you. You may think you’re ready, but you have to trust me to prep you correctly. I know what I’m doing.”

He says it firmly but gently, and it makes Baekhyun feel small but in a good way, like he’s small enough for Junmyeon to hide him from everyone and protect him from everything. “Sorry, Daddy,” he breathes out, feeling little tingles run down his spine and heat pool in his fingertips.

“It’s okay, baby,” Junmyeon replies, smoothing Baekhyun’s hair with his free hand. Baekhyun’s eyes flutter shut, a sweet smile on his lips, glad for the contact. Junmyeon pulls his fingers out and Baekhyun gasps quietly but tells himself to be patient, because he wants to be good for Junmyeon—where, exactly, did that come from? He isn’t sure but everything feels quiet and soft and safe, and he feels like he’s a million miles away from everything, and that being good for Junmyeon is the only thing that really matters.

He doesn’t watch Junmyeon prepare himself, so he jumps a little when Junmyeon presses the head of his cock to his hole. “Sorry, baby, did I scare you?”

Baekhyun shakes his head, opening his eyes to meet Junmyeon’s gaze. “M’fine.”

“Color?” Junmyeon asks anyway.

“Green, Daddy.”

Junmyeon nods and pushes all the way in, slowly but steadily, until he bottoms out and they’re both shaking. 

“Tell me when, baby,” Junmyeon whispers.

“Please move, Daddy,” Baekhyun whispers back, and Junmyeon does the thing where he makes himself big somehow and it cements Baekhyun into this feeling of safety and rightness. And then Junmyeon is moving, really moving, and all Baekhyun can do is hold on for as long as he can. Blurrily, he remembers that he has to wait for Junmyeon’s permission to come, but that’s okay. He’s not desperate yet.

Junmyeon pins his hands above his head and fucks into him harder. Baekhyun whimpers at the change, not in discomfort but more in surprise. His jaw feels slack, and he wants to say something but he’s lost control of most of his body already.

“I’m such a jealous person,” Junmyeon breathes out and Baekhyun barely registers that he’s talking. “You look so beautiful like this, my little prince. I don’t want anyone to see this except me.”

“You’re the only one who wants to see this, Daddy,” Baekhyun murmurs.

“Maybe right at this instant,” Junmyeon concedes. “But a day will come where everyone will see how gorgeous you are. I want you for myself.”

“I’m yours,” Baekhyun says and it sounds cheesy but it doesn’t feel cheesy, and Junmyeon groans and shifts his grip to right under Baekhyun’s ribs, holding him up as he thrusts into him. Baekhyun arches back, letting his head fall onto the bed and keeping his arms limp above him. He clenches his teeth and clenches around Junmyeon’s cock, and Junmyeon grunts the way he does when he’s getting close, and Baekhyun doesn’t know how they’re both about to finish so quickly, but at least it’s together. He doesn’t have a lot of energy to think about it because he knows he has to start begging. “Daddy, please, I’m close, I need to come, please,” he gasps, giving the cutest pout he can manage.

“Oh, God, baby.” Junmyeon squeezes his eyes shut, fumbling to get a hand around Baekhyun’s dick so that he won’t have to do it himself. “Mm, I’m close too—fuck—” 

“Please, Daddy,” Baekhyun tries again. “I need it, I—” he cuts himself off with a loud moan, writhing and trying not to tip over the edge but it’s really difficult.

“Go ahead, baby,” Junmyeon forces out before curling over and going really rough. Baekhyun gasps out his relief and lets go, feeling his legs tremble as he comes. He knows Junmyeon is, too, and he realizes he’s still chanting Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, and he doesn’t know why he likes it but he does, and if Junmyeon does too then he guesses it’s okay.

After cleaning themselves up, they settle down to bed. “So,” Junmyeon says. “What did you think?”

“I think I like it,” Baekhyun murmurs. “I… it makes me feel safe.”

“I’m glad.” Junmyeon laughs. “Oh god, I was so nervous you would think I was weird and that you would hate me forever.”

Baekhyun snuggles into Junmyeon’s chest, smiling. “I could never hate you,” he says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank for the read 
> 
> My [tumblr](https://www.suhos-lotto.tumblr.com/ask)
> 
> Check out my other works! :^)


	20. [20]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello it's your favorite dumpster fire. A note, this chapter contains heavy reference to self harm, suicide, and anorexia! Proceed with care ^^

It is two weeks after the breakup and Baekhyun can’t look anyone in the eye. He isn’t eating as much and he tells himself it’s just because he’s tired, or just because he doesn’t go out and do as much so he’s not as hungry, or because he’s having difficulty feeling because it’s better to be numb than hurting so he can’t really tell if he’s hungry but deep down, he’s knows it’s relapse. He knows what the doctors would say—he lost a stability in his life and so he’s going back to old behaviors in search for some semblance of control.

_I’m not in control_. Baekhyun knows it. But he can’t force himself to eat. When he does manage to cram food in his mouth, he usually spits it back out, and when he does manage to swallow it, he pukes it back up less than a half hour later. He eats, certainly, but it’s scarce and plain foods that he finds easy to keep down, and he loses all the extra weight he gained being coddled by Junmyeon, and then he just keeps going until he’s as skeletal as he was in ninth grade.

Late at night he opens Myunghwa’s contact on his phone and stares and stares at his screen until his eyes glaze over but how does he explain everything that’s happened? She won't just accept it all, will she? 

So he continues on and it gets worse and worse. _How do I stop me?_

One night after Baekhyun opens and then bandages his veins, he cracks and calls her. And all this time, he feels eerily calm. He didn’t cry when he binged, when he cut, or after, and he doesn’t cry now when Myunghwa says, “Baekhyun?”

“Myunghwa.” He pauses, unsure. “It’s been a long time. How.. how are you?”

“I’m good.” She sounds guarded. “I’m guessing this isn’t a ‘hey, what’s up?’ kind of call.”

“No.” Baekhyun chews his lip, thinking. “Myunghwa, there’s something I haven’t told you. Something I never told you, something you probably deserved to know, but I never—”

“It’s all right,” Myunghwa says. “What is it?”

“I’m gay.”

“Oh.” She’s surprised, like it’s not what she was expecting. “Okay. That’s fine with me—but I don’t think that’s what this call is about, either.”

“No,” Baekhyun says again, and somehow suddenly it becomes easy to admit everything else. “Myunghwa. I’m being stupid again.”

“It’s not stupid,” she says immediately. “What happened?”

“Do you want the short version or the long version?”

“Both. Short first, then explain.”

“Are you sure you’re not busy.”

“Baekhyun. I’m sure. I’m not busy.”

“Okay…” Baekhyun mulls over the phrasing and then just decides to be blunt. “I’m starving myself again, and I just cut.”

“Uh oh. How long ago did you start?”

“A month or so,” Baekhyun says.

“And the cutting—first time tonight since ninth grade?”

“No.”

“Tell me the whole story.” Myunghwa sounds like she is settling back somewhere comfortable. “Then we’ll try to see what we can do to fix it.”

“Okay,” Baekhyun says, feeling small but clear. “I started dating this boy. His name—his name is Suho. And we promised to keep it a secret, because I’m not out to anyone except Hayun and him—and now you. But it was just so scary and I know he hated all the sneaking and secrets maybe even more that I did. It was stressful and so we had to break up. But I couldn’t talk to any of our friends about it and now we’re not friends anymore. And I stopped eating because I felt so sick all the time—my heart feels heavy, Myunghwa. And now everything is back.”

“I’m glad you called me,” Myunghwa says softly. “I don’t know how much I can do, but I’m glad you called.”

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun says. “All this has done is worry you, and waste your time—it’s just that you were the only one who knew anything about it—I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner…”

“I know.” Myunghwa’s voice is soothing. “And, yes, I’m a little sad that this is what it took you to reach out, but—that’s not important right now. I’m glad you trusted me enough to come out to me, and even if you think you should have done it earlier, I really don’t mind. Now, there’s nothing I can force you to do, but will you please throw out whatever it was you used to cut with?”

Baekhyun looks at the tiny blades he unscrewed from pencil sharpeners. “Yes,” he says, but he doesn’t move them. What if I need them?

“Okay, good. I can’t force you to eat, either. All I can say is please, please keep yourself alive. I want to see you graduate high school. I want to see you happy.”

“Where does it end, Myunghwa?” Baekhyun whispers, feeling desolate.

He hears her sigh. “I don’t know, Baekhyun,” she murmurs. “I don’t know.”

“I’ll, uh, I’ll let you go,” Baekhyun says. “Thank you for listening.”

“You’re welcome,” Myunghwa says. “Hey. Baekhyun?”

“Yeah?”

“That Suho guy? Was he kind to you?”

“Yes.”

“Did he love you?”

“I think so.”

“Do you love him?”

Baekhyun presses his lips together. “Yes.”

“I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing you can do.”

“I suppose… Okay, um, call me before you make any drastic decisions, okay?”

“I will.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“Okay. Goodnight, Baekhyun,” Myunghwa says. “Try to take care of yourself as best you can.”

“I’ll try,” Baekhyun agrees. “You… you too. Goodnight.”

Baekhyun never sleeps well these days. He wants to call Myunghwa again, but he can’t just keep pestering her, so he lets everything sit inside. 

He feels his stomach tightening every time he moves. His throat closes when he thinks of any of it for too long—soon, he becomes accustomed to dry heaving into the toilet. He is so tired. His ribs strain. His eyes burn. His hands shake. His lungs are still full of smoke.

His parents try to sit him down at one point and ask him what happened. 

“You look tired,” his father says.

“You look like you did in ninth grade,” his mother says.

“I’m fine,” Baekhyun mumbles. “Just stressed—uh, we have a lot of big tests coming up.”

“Do you want to start seeing a doctor again?” his mother asks.

“N-no, it’s fine. I’m pretty busy with, uh, homework,” Baekhyun says.

“Okay,” she says dubiously.

That’s the trouble with being in a bad place. You want people to notice because that proves to you that it’s not just some random small thing—if they notice, it means it’s something big and real because you can’t hide it, right? But at the same time, as soon as someone says anything, you just shut down. I’m fine, it’s okay, and maybe a weak smile and they don’t know what to do. And you don’t either.

Baekhyun doesn’t either, so he goes in circles of wishing he could get better, hoping no one would ever find out, and wishing he was dead.

Baekhyun’s heart is always pounding. He’s not sure if it’s because of how little he eats, or some form of anxiety, or both, but it’s there, a constant beat in his ears, dulling the sounds of the outside world. Once he gets used to it, he finds he doesn’t mind so much.


	21. [21]

It is deep January, the time of year where it’s always dark and always cold, the time of year where brown snow piles up along the sides of streets and parking lots. Baekhyun is over at Junmyeon’s house, cuddling in front of the fire and talking about the future.

“I’m scheduled for a bunch of college visits over spring break,” Junmyeon says, a note of complaint in his voice. “I can’t believe I have to start thinking about that.”

“You’ll be applying next fall,” Baekhyun murmurs. “Scary… you’ll be so busy, too.”

“Not too busy for you,” Junmyeon says, kissing his cheek.

Baekhyun tries to enjoy it, but he’s thinking about graduation. “Let’s go out on a limb here,” he says. “Imagine your graduation, and we’re still dating, but you’re going off to college.”

“And?”

“And?” Baekhyun stares at him. “And there will be other boys there, boys your age or older, boys who don’t have to hide, boys that can give back, boys that aren’t messes, boys that are right by your side. I won’t be any of those things.”

“And I’d still want you.”

“How can you know that, Junmyeon?”

“What, you think I should break up with you when I graduate?”

“Yeah, maybe!” Baekhyun frowns. “It would be the smartest and probably healthiest decision.”

“No it wouldn’t.”

“Yes, it would.”

“I want to stay with you.”

“I’ll weigh you down,” Baekhyun says. “I’ll weigh you down, and one night during a long stretch of no breaks when you can’t come home and see me, you can’t Snap me because I’m already asleep, you’ll think of the boy down the hall and wonder if that’s not just easier, better—” 

“Is that what you would do? Is that what you’re saying?” Junmyeon’s pulled away from him now—somehow, they’ve ended up on opposite sides of the couch.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying, because I’m too attached to you, and because I’d be too scared!”

“You think I’m not attached to you?”

“I think you think you are, but I’m just—I’m just a little kid, Junmyeon, and you’re super not in my league—” 

“That’s not true.”

“It is! I don’t want to tie you down when you go off to college!”

“You know what I think?” Junmyeon says. “I think you just don’t want to work with me on this, because you’re too terrified to do anything. I think you don’t want to have to worry about me when I’m away, I think you don’t want to fight to keep what we have, and that’s not fair! I want to to fight for it, why the hell don’t you?” He’s shouting now.

“It’s impossible!” Baekhyun shouts back, some part of him shocked that Junmyeon has raised his voice. “It won’t work!”

“We can make it work, why don’t you want to try?”

“Because I know what will happen!” Baekhyun stands up. “You’re too hopeful, and it’s not going to work, and it will be me, Junmyeon, me that gets the brunt of it, can’t you see that? I don’t want to hurt! I’d rather we agreed that what we have here is short-lived! Why won’t you grow up and see that?”

“I know it’ll be hard, but shutting down and saying it’s just impossible isn’t the solution!”

“I’m going,” Baekhyun says, throwing on his coat, slinging his bag over his shoulder, and cramming his feet into his shoes, bending the heels. “I can’t do this, I can’t—” He stumbles out into the cold, ignoring Junmyeon’s calls of wait, it’s freezing, you’ll die! The snow and wind swirl, stinging his face as he makes his way through the fresh layer of white on Junmyeon’s front walk. He hears Junmyeon behind him, but he keeps going and when he looks back, Junmyeon isn’t on the front porch.

He walks and walks, and he starts heading back to his own house, and then he trips and falls, and his fingers are so cold, and he can’t feel his nose or his toes or his ears, and he can’t get up, so he just sits there. And then hands clasp his arms and Junmyeon is lifting him up. When it’s evident he can’t walk, Junmyeon slings him over his shoulder and trudges back home.

“What on earth were you thinking?” Junmyeon says once they’re inside. He’s angry, Baekhyun can see it burning in his eyes, but he’s too tired to react. “If you needed to distance yourself, fine, but going out there? It’s below zero, Baekhyun.” He pulls Baekhyun’s soaked socks off and pushes him to the bathroom. “Take a warm shower. I’ll sleep on the couch, and we can talk in the morning.”

And so he does, he takes a shower and throws on some random t-shirt and underwear, and curls up under the covers of Junmyeon’s bed, which is too big and cold without Junmyeon. He feels tears slip down and soak the pillow. And no matter what he does, he can’t fall asleep.

* * *

Junmyeon gets up and leaves the room the next morning without saying anything. For a second, Baekhyun feels panicky, but then he hears him knocking things around in the kitchen, so he slinks downstairs sheepishly.

As soon as Junmyeon sees him, he stops what he’s doing and walks over to him. “How did you sleep?” he asks quietly.

“I didn’t.”

“Didn’t?”

“I couldn’t sleep.

“At all?”

“I kept…” Baekhyun motions. “Thinking about you. Yelling.”

“You didn’t sleep because I yelled?”

Baekhyun doesn’t respond.

“I’ll never do it again,” Junmyeon says immediately, his brows creasing. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Can I touch you?” Baekhyun nods and Junmyeon takes his face in his hands and kisses his forehead. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t sleep well, either.” He leans back. “Your eyes look red. Did you cry?”

Baekhyun nods again. “I’m okay.”

“Baby.” Junmyeon frowns even deeper. “Oh, this is all so dumb. We’ll worry about college when college comes. You’re right, maybe things will change. Everything will play out, and just because you think I should break up with you when I graduate doesn’t mean we have to break up now. Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Baekhyun looks down at his socks. “I’m sorry I yelled, and I’m sorry that you think I’m not invested. I am.”

“I know you are,” Junmyeon says. “If you weren’t, you wouldn’t do any of this because it scares you.”

“Yeah.” Baekhyun watches as Junmyeon yawns. “Let’s nap after breakfast,” he suggests.

“Yes,” Junmyeon agrees, but he doesn’t let go. “Oh, I was so worried about you last night!” he says finally. “Please don’t run away next time. It was cold and that was really dangerous.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“I mean it, baby,” Junmyeon says, kissing Baekhyun’s hair. “You can’t compromise your safety like that.”

“I won’t do it again.”

“Good.” Junmyeon finally releases him. “Let’s see what we can do for breakfast.”

* * *

Baekhyun’s still worried though. Junmyeon’s right—they have to wait and see. They can’t make any promises one way or another because they just don’t know, but it still eats at him. Is it really worth it? he wonders constantly. He loves Junmyeon, he really does, but with every passing day he feels more and more paranoid. His parents could find out at any moment, and then everything would be over.

_There’s the possibility that they’d be fine with it,_ Junmyeon’s voice says in his head, but Baekhyun knows he can’t risk it. 

It’s vague and far-off, though, so Baekhyun just lets it slide. And it’s easy to let everything slide when Baekhyun lets himself believe that Junmyeon can take care of everything. But even when he’s in little space and even when he’s feeling light, it’s always on his mind. He knows Junmyeon can’t. He knows. They’re just kids and they’re both scared and they’re both hurting and one day, something has to give. Baekhyun knows they’re building to something, something bad, but he doesn’t know what, or when it will come.

So he just keeps going and lets everything happen.


	22. [22]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got to be poetic in this chapter I had fun writing it ;;

It is something about quiet, and problems, and quiet problems that don’t speak, but instead go around the house in your heart and slowly, silently, break all of your furniture, and then flood your basement, one little drip of water at a time.

It’s something about that.

Baekhyun feels the strain between them, knows sometimes it’s a push instead of a pull. But he doesn’t know what to do about it—when it all happens so slowly, so quietly, how do you know how to trace it, how do you know which piece broke first, or last, to know how to put it all back together?

Junmyeon still tries to act like everything is fine, though, and Baekhyun does too, because what else is there to do? They already tried talking about it. There is nothing they can do except hope and hope.

They go shopping one day and there’s a big ad above the science center: _If there were no risks of any kind, would you rather explore all of the ocean, or explore a black hole?_

Baekhyun stops walking and looks up at it and Junmyeon stops and stares at it too. 

“You’d go for the ocean, wouldn’t you?” he asks.

Baekhyun nods. Junmyeon nods too and somewhere in the back of his mind Baekhyun knows that Junmyeon would want to see the black hole. And that maybe before he would have said something like, “But if you wanted the ocean, then I don’t care. I’d go with you.”

But he doesn’t now, and it’s a small thing, just a dumb little hypothetical question, but it makes the difference to Baekhyun.

Junmyeon tries to bring it up. He tries to heal it. Baekhyun knows. He says things like, “I’m not saying you have to tell anyone—it would just mean a lot if we could. But we don’t have to,” and it twists Baekhyun’s heart in a dozen different ways.

And he could reply, _well I can’t._

He could reply, _I’m sorry._

_I don’t like it any more than you do, but we’re here anyway._

_It seems like you only find value in being with me if you can show me off._

_I love you, isn’t that enough? I love you._

Maybe it isn’t enough.

That’s why Baekhyun never asks.

It’s been a long time since Baekhyun’s really felt Junmyeon’s hands. When they have sleepovers, they don’t touch. They sleep on opposite sides of the bed under separate blankets, and sometimes they face away. Junmyeon doesn’t subconsciously pull Baekhyun into his chest anymore and even though the blanket is thick, Baekhyun often wakes up cold.

Baekhyun doesn’t feel like he’s ever lived fully, so he doesn’t really know what he’s missing. But he can tell it’s stifling for Junmyeon. He can tell Junmyeon’s starting to choke on his smoke. And that’s the last thing Baekhyun wants but, _god_ , you know, he can only hold his breath for so long.

And there are good days, plenty of them still and Baekhyun has to hold on. He has to because Junmyeon protects him and, most of the time, makes him happy. He isn’t sure if he makes Junmyeon happy, but he must, otherwise Junmyeon would leave him, right?

That’s another thing he can’t ask. And it feels like everything is like that now—they can’t talk and they can’t touch, not in the real way. They hug sometimes, and kiss, and fuck but none of it feels real and Baekhyun doesn’t know if it’s all in his head so he can’t ask.

He knows the secret-keeping is going to tear them apart, but if he doesn’t keep it a secret, it could very well tear him apart. Does that make him selfish? Or has he just made his choice on which way he wants to die? Baekhyun isn’t sure.

Junmyeon still tells him he loves him, and it’s not necessarily that Baekhyun doesn’t believe him but rather that he isn’t sure what any of it is supposed to mean anymore. If he even deserves it. He’s getting scared again, and even when they’re alone he feels fear when Junmyeon says anything like that, because what if someone hears? He tells himself he’s being stupid, but telling himself that only does so much.

And the house in his heart that Junmyeon helped him build slowly falls into disrepair due to neglect. And it’s kind of his fault and kind of Junmyeon’s fault but mostly it’s not anyone. It’s just How The World Works mixed with that same stifling quietness in the way that they love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ty for reading!!


	23. [23]

It is a good day. Baekhyun feels more cheerful and though it is cold, it’s also clear. 

“It’s, like, basically summer,” Jongdae jokes, fanning himself and pretending like he’s going to take off his shirt (Yixing all but screams at him to keep it on). “I should have worn shorts today.”

“It’s so bright I’m literally going blind,” Yifan adds, shielding his eyes.

“We should go shopping together,” Chanyeol suggests.

“Ooh, yes, will you buy something for me?” Zitao gives him his sad kitten eyes.

“Maybe,” Chanyeol says, grinning and showing off his dimples.

“I’m poor,” Jongin complains.

“Well, I’m broke,” Zitao replies.

“That’s super not true,” Luhan says. “You’re rich and we all know it.”

“My parents are rich,” Zitao corrects. “That’s entirely independent of whether or not I have money to spend.”

“The poor people can window-shop,” Baekhyun pipes up, linking his arm with Jongin’s.

“I’ll buy you something,” Junmyeon says quietly so only Baekhyun can hear. “I’ll think of an excuse on the way.”

“You can just, like, punch me,” Baekhyun whispers back. “Or, alternatively, you don’t have to buy me anything.”

“Have I used the _Baekhyun paid for my lunch_ one recently?”

“No, actually. Last time you said something about how Hayun told you to buy all this stuff and you had to.”

“Great, I’ll use that one today, then. Start thinking about what you want.”

Baekhyun has to give credit where credit is due—despite everything, Junmyeon still makes a huge effort to keep everything a secret and it really means the world to Baekhyun, even now.

They all divide up into cars—there are enough upperclassmen who drive to fit everyone, and they head downtown to the big shopping mall. 

“Let’s look at the stuffed animals,” Sehun suggests. No one wants to deny the youngest (besides which, most of them were interested in the stuffies, too) so they all go into a big shop that holds life-sized teddy bears and Gudetama dolls and mochi cats. 

Baekhyun quickly latches himself to a flying squirrel onesie that comes with a cute plush and searches for Junmyeon. Junmyeon catches his eye from across the store and walks over. 

“This is cute,” he says softly. “And soft.”

“And 45,000 won,” Baekhyun points out.

“So? Lunch usually costs about that, if you go somewhere nice. Besides, everyone knows you’re my best friend.”

“It’s not even that, I just don’t want you to spend so much money on something so inessential.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Junmyeon says. “I know I’m being a little difficult these days.”

“You?” Baekhyun stares at him. “I’m the one making everything so complicated—”

“This isn’t the place,” Junmyeon reminds him. “We’ll talk about it later, but at least let me buy this for you?”

“All right.” Baekhyun frowns to himself as Junmyeon pays. The amount money someone spends on someone else is usually a valid measure of either how much they love them or how guilty they feel. _Which is it? And if it’s guilt, which kind? Guilt because he wishes we could solve this, or guilt because he knows we can’t but he feels bad for thinking it?_

They go to the food court for lunch and eat kind of horrible burritos and really good soft pretzels. Baekhyun knows that if it were just him and Junmyeon, they’d take a few cinnamon sugar ones home and they’d eat them and lick the sugar from each other’s fingers. It’s that kind of day, and _maybe_ , Baekhyun thinks, _when we do “talk about it later” we can try to fix things a little. And maybe it will work and things will be better._

They wander the mall for a few more hours. Baekhyun tries to divide his time between the others instead of just sticking to Junmyeon’s side. He hopes Junmyeon doesn’t take it as him being mad at him. He just doesn’t want the others to wonder why he and Junmyeon are so close.

Eventually people begin to have to call it a day, and Junmyeon drives Baekhyun home. The sun really is blinding; it filters through the trees in bright flashes. It feels like Baekhyun is under some kind of strobe light, like in a club, only there’s no music. 

“So,” Junmyeon says when they are safely in Baekhyun’s room. “Let’s talk about it.”

“I don’t know what there is to say. We’re both trying,” Baekhyun replies softly.

“So let’s talk about that. We’re both making things a little difficult. I’m not being as patient as I could be—hear me out, Baekhyun, seriously—I’m not, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I want to tell everyone how much I love you, I’m sorry I want you to be free in your own skin. I’m sorry I want to be able to do all sorts of normal couple things in public without having to look over my shoulder. But we can’t, and it’s hard for me to accept that and stop wanting.” Junmyeon looks at Baekhyun sadly. “I’m not asking you to change, I’m not saying this to guilt you into coming out. I’m just—I don’t know. I want you to understand that it’s not because the secrets are hard to keep or something, and it’s not because you’re not worth it to me. It’s not that either—it’s just because I feel like we’re both missing out."

“I know that,” Baekyun says even though he kind of maybe sometimes thought that Junmyeon was just getting sick of him. “And you know why I can’t come out yet. I’m scared, I don’t know what my parents will say when I do—and I’m still too young.” He sighs. “I’ll likely grow sick of hiding at some point, but that point isn’t now.”

“I know.”  Junmyeon reaches his arms out and pulls Baekhyun in. “I know. Please let’s just understand each other and continue trying our best. Okay?” 

“Okay,” Baekhyun says, swallowing a strange lump in his throat. “Okay.”

And so Baekhyun just sits in Junmyeon's arms, basking in the sun. But the knowledge that Junmyeon can love that powerfully and just say it weighs heavier on his shoulders than the possibility of dwindling interest, somehow. He closes his eyes and lets Junmyeon hold him and kiss him and feel like things are a little better, but Baekhyun isn't sure yet. 

That night Junmyeon keeps him close to his side. "I love you," he repeats, almost like he's afraid he's going to lose Baekhyun to his fear. "Baby, I love you. I don't know if you know how much. Every time I see you, it's like my heart is in my throat. It's been like that since the first time I saw you and I don't think it will ever change. I want to make you happy, no matter what I have to do."

Baekhyun just kisses him back and stays mostly quiet. Because what can he say? All he can think is _what if a day comes where making me happy means leaving me be?_

He can't ask. 

As Junmyeon speaks, Baekhyun finds himself folding inside bit by bit. It reminds him of the end of the spring last year, that same feeling of things ending and Baekhyun doesn't know why. He stays awake even after Junmyeon falls asleep, staring at Junmyeon's chest and trying not to let his crying shake him too hard and disturb Junmyeon, and not knowing what to do. 

The next morning he doesn't address it. He can't. And even if Junmyeon wants them both to take equal responsibility for the things that are falling apart, Baekhyun knows it's almost all his own fault because he can’t say a lot of the things he’s thinking, so there’s no way for it all to get better.

He feels cruel when he smiles brightly at Junmyeon, kissing him sweetly on the cheek as a greeting. But at the same time, maybe he can hope. Maybe things will get better, and he’s just being cryptic. After all, it’s obvious Junmyeon wants to keep him. Maybe it will all be all right after all. He really hopes so. He hates feeling like he has stones on his chest.


	24. [24]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im just gonna say like its p much gonna be angst from here until like chapter 31 or smth so buckle up

It is the beginning of March, of a long month with no breaks, still the winter, but the soggy kind, not the nice kind. This is the weather that Baekhyun hates the most. There’s always mud on the bottoms of his shoes and his fingertips are always cold. 

 

Still, things are going. He and Junmyeon still see each other, frequently. Junmyeon still comes over to his house, even though Baekhyun is worried. But his mother likes seeing that he has friends, so they still have sleepovers and they still “do homework” together in Baekhyun’s room. 

 

Hayun, Baekhyun thinks, seems to detect that there’s something wrong, but she only gives Baekhyun a confused, concerned eye and doesn’t say anything. As much as he wants to talk to someone about it, Baekhyun is glad she doesn’t ask what’s going on. He doesn’t know how he could possibly explain it all to her.

 

One night, Baekhyun and Junmyeon take a break from actual homework and lie on the bed next to each other, sharing music and not speaking. It seems like it this is the best way for them to be, just sharing the space and not the air. Junmyeon pulls him close and Baekhyun lets him despite everything. He feels Junmyeon’s lips on his hair and he lets him do that, too. And then suddenly there is a knock on the door and Baekhyun has a split second to throw himself off the bed, forcing the earbuds out of his ears in the process. Luckily, his book was down there so he pretends to look up from his reading when his mother pokes her head in.

 

“It’s getting late," she says, oblivious of Baekhyun’s flushed face. “I want you guys to get some sleep.”

 

“Okay, Eomma,” Baekhyun forces out, trying and failing to will his heart to slow.

 

“Goodnight.”

 

“Goodnight,” he and Junmyeon chorus. 

 

Baekhyun’s chest is heaving and he feels like he can’t breathe at all. _What if I hadn’t heard her? What if I had moved just a little slower? What would she have thought—walked in and saw my head on Junmyeon’s chest, our legs tangled, him, kissing my hair and our hands linked—_ Junmyeon tries to comfort him but it only makes it worse, and Baekhyun pushes him away. He stares at Junmyeon with wide eyes. “She could have seen—” he gasps out.

 

“She didn’t,” Junmyeon says feebly. “We’ll be more careful, Baekhyun, please breathe.”

 

“No, we—that isn’t enough. Junmyeon. This isn’t safe. I can’t—I can’t do this.”

 

Junmyeon’s brow crinkles. “Can’t do what, baby?”

 

“This,” Baekhyun whispers, and he feels tears prick behind his eyes because he knows he knew this was coming, he just didn’t realize it until now. “I can’t breathe these days, you know that. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t _live_ like this, always on high alert, always afraid. And I know you can’t either. And since I can’t come out, since I can’t change, something else has to.”

 

Fear falls over Junmyeon’s face. “What are you saying?” he whispers. 

 

Baekhyun looks away. “I’m saying… I’m saying this isn’t good. I’m saying we… we have to be done. We have to break up.”

 

“Don’t you think you’re overreacting?” There is no heat, no blame, in Junmyeon’s tone, just some kind of resigned sadness.

 

“I’m _sorry_ , Junmyeon. But neither of us can be free like this. And you—you deserve better.” He bites the inside of his cheek until he tastes iron. “There are other boys out there that won’t be so hard to be with. You can hold their hands in public and do cute couple things and tell all your friends and—” 

 

“I don’t want them,” Junmyeon protests. “I want you.”

 

“I think you just think that,” Baekhyun whispers.

 

“What, do you not like me anymore?”

 

“Junmyeon, that’s not it and you know it. I can’t be with _anyone._ ” Baekhyun rubs his face. “Please don’t make this harder than it has to be. You can stay here tonight, of course—”

 

“Baekhyun.” Junmyeon takes his hand. “Please don’t run away.”

 

Baekhyun tugs his hand back, feeling pained. “I’m sorry,” he repeats. “I…” 

 

“Let’s make a final decision in the morning,” Junmyeon pleads. “Let’s at least sleep on it.”

 

“Fine.” Baekhyun is too tired to argue, but he knows no amount of sleep will make this feel better. 

 

“I’ll sleep on the floor,” Junmyeon offers, but Baekhyun shakes his head.

 

“Separate blankets is good enough,” he replies. He walks around to the foot of the bed and crawls into his usual space by the wall. He presses himself up against the pillows lined there and tucks the blanket around his shoulders, facing the wall.

 

He hears Junmyeon sigh. “Okay. Goodnight, Baekhyun.”

 

“Night.”

 

* * *

 

The next morning Baekhyun wakes feeling groggy and achy and very anxious. For a moment, in that pure world between full wakefulness and sleep, he wonders what the anxiety is, but then it all comes back and he feels like he’s been kicked in the chest by a draft horse. 

 

He sits up and looks over at Junmyeon’s sleeping form. There are no lines on his face. His cheeks shine and his black eyelashes are pointing in all different directions. One hand is tucked next to his cheek; Baekhyun traces the familiar shapes with his eyes. _But that’s not mine anymore,_ he thinks. _It can’t be._

 

Baekhyun moves to get off the bed, but Junmyeon shifts as soon as he does. He sits, pressing his fingers to his eye bags, and finds Baekhyun with a bleary gaze. As soon as their eyes meet, they both look away.

 

“You haven’t changed your mind, have you?” Junmyeon says, and both of them know it’s not even a question.

 

“No,” Baekhyun says in a small voice. “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s… it’s not your fault you’re scared. And I understand why you want to do it.”

 

“I wish things were different.”

 

“Me too.”

 

“But we have to,” Baekhyun says. “We have to do it, cleanly. That means—” he swallows hard. “That’s means we can’t talk to each other. I—I don’t want to see you. It’ll be easier that way, better—I can’t have reminders of what my life could be like if I were braver. And you should be free of me.”

 

“Baekhyun…”

 

“Please.” It hurts to beg for that kind of separation but Baekhyun knows they need to agree to it, because he’ll be avoiding Junmyeon anyway. He should at least know why, because then that will make it easier for the both of them.

 

“This will make things better for you?” Junmyeon confirms. “This will make you happy?”

 

“I think so—it’s not that you don’t make me happy, it’s just that there’s too many other things that come with that.”

 

Junmyeon looks hurt, but he nods anyway. “Fine. I’ll drive you to school today… and then—and then that’s it. I won’t bother you and you won’t really have to see me.”

 

“Thank you.” Baekhyun can’t look him in the eye. He knows this is all his fault and he knows that Junmyeon will be hurting, just like he will. He knows it isn’t fair to put Junmyeon through this but he really doesn’t know how he can survive another minute. _Maybe when I’m older, I can try dating again. Maybe when I’m in college, maybe when the stakes aren’t as high. But not now._

 

They eat breakfast and drive to school in silence. Baekhyun knows Junmyeon keeps trying to catch his eye but he forces himself not to look. As they near school, Junmyeon finally speaks.

 

“Baekhyun, one more thing… I know you said we can’t talk and I know you don’t want to see me, but—if you ever need anything, please know that you can still come to me. I… I want you to be safe. That’s why I’m agreeing to this so easily, because I know you don’t feel safe with me. But just because we break up doesn’t mean I can’t still help you from time to time. Okay?”

 

“Okay,” Baekhyun says, but he’s not going to be asking Junmyeon for anything. He’s taken enough from him as it is.

 

Junmyeon parks his car and Baekhyun lets himself out. 

 

“Have… have a good day,” Junmyeon says weakly. 

 

“Yeah. You too. Thanks… thanks for the ride.” Baekhyun shifts on the spot for a second, and then turns around and walks away. He knows Junmyeon’s eyes are following him but he can’t look back. It’s done, and he can’t change it. 

 

A tear slips down his cheek and he tries to surreptitiously brush it away. He doesn’t want Junmyeon to see anymore of him. He hugs his things tighter to his chest and, feeling suddenly very queasy, ducks into the restroom. Unexpectedly, a wave of nausea hits him, and he throws his books to the floor and bends over a toilet bowl, retching. He keeps going until all that’s coming up is stale air and smoke.


	25. [25]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello trigger warning just some gentle and rather vague mentions of Baekhyun's anorexia. It's not as visceral as previous chapters but it's still there so just be careful! <3

It is something about memory. Now that Junmyeon’s not part of his life, somehow Baekhyun remembers only the good parts of him. He has to remind himself why they broke up and why they can’t get back together, because without those reminders, he would probably just go running right back.

 

But despite the bad things, Baekhyun still thinks of Junmyeon fondly.  _ I am surrounded by saints,  _ he thinks.  _ Myunghwa, Junmyeon, Hayun _ — _ and so how did I turn out this fucked up? _

 

He doesn’t have an answer for himself.

 

Baekhyun finds himself thinking about the before a lot, though. He can’t help it; Myunghwa says it’s a natural part of healing and that it doesn’t make him pathetic, but he feels pathetic anyway. He remembers the morning after the whole  _ daddy  _ thing and they were both glowing. Junmyeon had insisted on carrying him downstairs. He made him breakfast and fed him—he literally wouldn’t let Baekhyun do anything for himself. It was a little funny but mostly sweet. Junmyeon dressed him and they spent the morning just cuddling and letting both of them come back to their normal headspaces.

 

These kinds of memories are filled with golden light that Baekhyun isn’t sure was actually there. He remembers the bad feelings, certainly, but those are muted and it makes him ache for Junmyeon and his hands and eyes and lips and all the things that he can’t have.

 

Baekhyun still isn’t eating. He drops down to 65 kilograms, and then 60, and his bones hurt and his lungs have, somehow, never been more full of smoke. He takes to going to the ocean again, like he did the summer before sophomore year. It’s always cold and he knows it’s really not good for him because he has almost no fat on his body so there’s no way for him to stay warm on cloudy, mid-April days, but he goes anyway. Maybe it’s that passively suicidal thing—not doing what will kill him, just doing what will give him a taste of it.

 

He stays up late to watch the moon often. He tries praying, or asking questions, but he gets nothing in return. And yet, her light is still a comforting presence in his otherwise rather empty life. He knows it sound dreadfully morbid of him, but he hardly has anything. He feels numb, like there’s nothing inside him, not even a heart, nothing worth saving.

 

Hayun senses his distress but there’s little she can do. He knows her ten-year-old mind is trying to come up with Ways To Make Oppa Feel Better but he also knows she’s coming up blank. And he feels bad that she has to worry so much over him, but he doesn’t know what to do. Sometimes he’ll catch her looking at him all sad-like, and he’ll try to give her a smile and say something like, “I’m okay, Hayun,” but he knows that even though she’s only ten, she knows enough not to believe him.

 

His parents are aware, too, that something has happened. Baekhyun just explains that he and Junmyeon don’t get along so well anymore and hopes that they’ll take that as his source of distress. He takes to wearing baggy things to make himself appear larger. He uses his makeup skills to make his face appear fuller, softens the sharpness of his jaw and cheekbones, and spends most of his time just hiding in his room and watching the sky, day and night, so his parents don’t have to see him and worry.

 

And it doesn’t get better. Myunghwa tells him it will, but it doesn’t. He still cuts and he still has trouble breathing and just existing. Whenever he sees Junmyeon, even at a distance, he gets that kick-to-the-chest feeling again. 

 

Hopelessness takes root in his stomach.  _ Maybe,  _ he thinks,  _ boys like me don’t get happy endings.  _ He wants to feel happy—I mean, who doesn’t? But he can’t just snap out of it. At least in ninth grade, he got some pride out of not eating at times, but now everything is just horrible. 

 

Occasionally, one of his old friends will stop him in the halls to ask him how he’s doing, and Baekhyun has no idea how they expect him to respond. “Fine,” he says. “How are you?” and they just give him an odd look and move on. At one point, Yixing tries to sit down and talk with him.

 

“We haven’t seen you in a while,” he says. “What’s up?”

 

“I’m just…” Baekhyun squirms.  _ Has Junmyeon said anything? _

 

“I mean, Junmyeon did say that you guys had a disagreement, but we all thought it would blow over in a week. He won’t say more than that.”

 

“Well, I can’t really say more than that, either.” Baekhyun bites his lip. “I… don’t worry about it, okay? I’m fine. I’m guessing Junmyeon is fine. I just… don’t really think I can hang out with you guys that much anymore.”

 

“Everyone misses you.”

 

“Do they really,” Baekhyun says drily. “I’m sorry,” he adds in a gentler tone. “I just can’t.”

 

“All right.” Yixing’s voice is heavy. “I guess I’ll leave you alone, then. But Baekhyun… if you need anything, we’re still here for you.”

 

“Thanks, Yixing. I’m fine.”

 

The loneliness spreads to everywhere in Baekhyun’s body. He finds his eyes glazing over more often, but he’s always too tired to worry about what it all means.


	26. [26]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so just to be clear since it may be a tad confusing lol.. we're back where we left off in chapter 1 in Baekhyun's room!

It’s the sort of feeling you get when you’ve been empty long enough. Junmyeon raises his head after that long moment of silence and looks into Baekhyun’s eyes, and Baekhyun sees a certain _knowing_ there that he can’t deny, that he can’t not call Junmyeon’s own, because Junmyeon does know—he knows why Baekhyun is afraid, what will happen if Baekhyun is right, and he knows that Baekhyun knows that he can’t hide forever.

 

“You’ve gotten so skinny again,” Junmyeon finally murmurs, tracing Baekhyun’s jaw with a finger. “Why don’t you ask for help when you’re not feeling okay?”

 

“It’s hard,” Baekhyun replies.

 

“I know.”

 

They are silent. Behind the shades, the sun begins to set. 

 

“I have to tell them someday,” Baekhyun says.

 

“I think so, yes.”

 

“I don’t want to.”

 

“Hayun will be all right here with them, even if you’re gone.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I’m not telling you to do one thing or the other. It’s up to you to decide. I’m just letting you know that I’m worried about you. And I miss you.”

 

“Junmyeon…”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“No, it’s okay. I just wish you didn’t.”

 

“I don’t,” Junmyeon says earnestly. “You made me happy. You make me happy, even still, I think.”

 

“I…” Baekhyun is at a loss. How, after all of this, will it be all right? Sometimes it feels like he could love Junmyeon for the rest of his life. Sometimes it feels like the world has nothing left to offer him. “I don’t know how to do this.”

 

“That’s okay.” Junmyeon stands. “You don’t have to. No one ever does.”

 

“What do I do?”

 

“It’s up to you. Come out to our friends first, maybe—”

 

“Your friends.”

 

“They miss you, too.”

 

“It’ll be awkward.”

 

“So?”

 

“So… I don’t know.”

 

“It’ll be okay,” Junmyeon says.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“It’ll be okay.” 

 

Baekhyun frowns, staring down at his hands. “Will it ever end, Junmyeon?”

 

“Will what ever end?” he asks.

 

“The fear.” Baekhyun stands slowly and begins to pace. “The having to hide, and the pull to pitch myself off of high places, the way it’s hard for me to breathe, the way it’s hard for me to eat—” _the salt, the smoke, the way the air seems to squeeze my ribs._

 

“It has to, doesn’t it?” Junmyeon whispers, his eyes following Baekhyun’s movements.

 

Baekhyun stops in front of him. “What if everything goes wrong?”

 

“I’ll take all the blame,” Junmyeon says. 

 

Baekhyun shakes his head. “I think I still love you,” he breathes out.

 

“I love you too,” Junmyeon says, bringing a hand up to Baekhyun’s cheek. Baekhyun lets him draw their heads close to each other’s until their foreheads knock gently against one another. His other hand finds Baekhyun’s other cheek and his thumbs smooth Baekhyun’s eye bags. Baekhyun trembles. “May I?” Junmyeon whispers.

 

Baekhyun squeezes his eyes shut and nods. Junmyeon kisses him and it feels too natural to tangle his fingers in the older’s hair. The kiss is soft and unsure at first, but Junmyeon quickly finds his footing and he’s backing him up to the bed. Baekhyun sits down hard, tilting his chin up. Junmyeon leans over him and only gives him a couple of seconds to catch his breath before kissing him again, and then Baekhyun feels something wet on his cheek, and it’s a tear and it’s not his, and then it’s also his—they break apart and Baekhyun is surprised to find they’re both sobbing. Junmyeon still hasn’t let go of his face, clings to him like he’ll disappear if he lets go, and Baekhyun tugs him down, closer, until the shuddering of their bodies fall into sync, and they are both crying out dust and smoke and salt and all the breaths they’ve held trying not to say things that will give them away.

 

“I thought of you every night,” Junmyeon says. “If you still say we should be apart, then fine, because that’s what will make you feel the safest. But I hope you know I’m always thinking of you, so if you ever need me—you know where to find me.”

 

There is a soft knock on the door. “Oppa? Eomma and Appa just pulled into the driveway.”

 

Baekhyun and Junmyeon spring apart. “Thanks, Hayun,” Baekhyun says. “Tell them that Junmyeon is here, okay? We’ll be down in a bit.”

 

“Okay.” They hear her soft footsteps retreating down the hall.

 

Junmyeon looks at Baekhyun curiously. “I thought the plan was that I would sneak out and they wouldn’t know.”

 

“Plans change. I can’t… I can’t face lying to them alone,” Baekhyun says. “We need to figure out what to say.”

 

“We had a misunderstanding, and we’ve finally cleared things up,” Junmyeon suggests.

 

“What was the misunderstanding about?”

 

“It doesn’t matter, I don’t think they’ll ask. Maybe something about how you weren’t sure if I actually wanted to be friends with you, or if you were bothering me,” Junmyeon says.

 

“That makes you sound bad.”

 

“No, it doesn’t. It just makes both of us sound dumb, and it’s believable because we… are.”

 

“You’re not dumb.”

 

“If I’m not dumb, then you’re not either.”

 

“I missed you,” Baekhyun says, his voice wavering.

 

“Stop it, we can’t cry again because then they’ll really be suspicious of something,” Junmyeon says, hugging Baekhyun tight. “C’mon, let’s wash our faces and calm down.”

 

They do just that, and after checking that they don’t look horrible, they walk down to the living room.

 

“Junmyeon,” Baekhyun’s mother says with a level curiosity in her voice. “We haven’t seen you in a while.”

 

“Yeah,” Junmyeon says. “Uh, hi.”

 

“Will you stay for dinner?” she asks.

 

“If it’s not too much trouble, that would be lovely,” Junmyeon replies. 

 

“All right.” Baekhyun’s mother gives Baekhyun a look, and he glances away.

 

“We’ll, um, we’ll go do some homework or something,” Baekhyun stutters out, tugging on Junmyeon’s sleeve.

 

They go back up to Baekhyun’s room and just sit together. Junmyeon seems like he’s afraid to not be touching him, so Baekhyun lets him pull them close, and he strains his ears for footsteps in the hall. He can’t push Junmyeon away because it’s been ages since he’s had someone’s arms around him and it’s much too comforting than Baekhyun would like to say.

 

“Will you try your best to eat tonight?” Junmyeon asks him.

 

 _I’d do almost anything to keep you here,_ Baekhyun finds himself thinking, and he claws the thought away. “I will,” he says.

 

“Thank you.” Junmyeon ghosts his fingertips over Baekhyun’s ribs. “Your body is your own, of course, but I hate seeing you like this.”

 

“I hate seeing me like this, too,” Baekhyun whispers.

 

“If I had known this is what would happen, I would have never let you go.”

 

“It’s what I needed at the time.”

 

“And what about now?” Junmyeon asks. “What do you need now?”

 

“I…” Baekhyun recoils slightly, unsure. “I don’t know.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Dinner!” Hayun calls from down the hall.

 

It’s an awkward affair. It’s been a while since Baekhyun’s sat down to a meal with his family. Hayun tries her best to keep things rolling—nothing like pacifying a ten-year-old as a distraction—and Baekhyun is ever-so-grateful to her for it. 

 

Junmyeon leaves after dinner, giving Baekhyun a rather meaningful look when he says he’ll see him tomorrow at school. 

 

“Something happened,” Baekhyun’s mother says once Junmyeon’s car pulls down the driveway.

 

“We had a dumb fight,” Baekhyun says. “Uh. It was just a misunderstanding, and we’re both bad at self-advocating and communicating so we both just let it sit. He came over finally to sort it out.”

 

“And is it sorted?” she asks, an eyebrow arched.

 

“Mostly,” Baekhyun replies.

 

“I hope so. I missed seeing him around here.” Baekhyun’s mother gives him a Look. “And I know you missed him, too.”

 

“Y…yes,” Baekhyun says, and escapes to his room.

 

Junmyeon Snapchats him when he gets home.

 

_I don’t want to pressure you, but we do still have two things to consider:_

 

_Dating? and you coming out?_

 

_On the coming out, dating aside, I know our friends will support you_

 

_and I think it would be helpful to start there._

 

Baekhyun chews his lip for a few minutes before he responds.

 

_They know about you?_

 

Junmyeon sends him a very patient response.

 

_Yes. And they still love me._

 

Baekhyun takes a deep breath.

 

_Not tomorrow. But eventually, yes._

 

 _Not tomorrow,_ Junmyeon agrees.

 

Baekhyun hesitates to send the next one, but he knows he has to address it.

 

_And about dating. You and me._

 

_I’m still scared._

 

Junmyeon’s response is immediate.

 

_I’m sorry I brought it up. We don’t have to._

 

_What’s most important is that we’re friends again._

 

Baekhyun smiles.

 

_I want to date you, but we have to be more careful._

 

_I need you._

 

_I need you to be able to do this._

 

Junmyeon sends him an angry selfie.

 

_Don’t make me come back over there with this ‘I need you’ stuff._

 

_I’m gonna lose it._

 

Baekhyun smiles bigger.

 

_We can be more public soon, I want it._

 

_But will you be patient with me while I go through this part?_

 

Junmyeon’s response is vehement.

 

_Absolutely. Whatever you want._

 

_I love you. It’s getting late. Get some sleep, ok?_

 

Baekhyun sends back a selfie of him making a kissy face.

 

_I love you, too. I’ll try. Thank you._

 

Junmyeon is quiet for a moment, and then sends one last thing:

 

_I’m proud of you for eating well tonight._

 

_I know taking care of yourself can be hard, especially when you don’t have the energy to care._

 

_You’re amazing and you won’t have to do it alone ever again._

 

Baekhyun could cry. He doesn’t know what to say, so he just sends back, _thank you thank you I love you_ because what else is there to say? 

 

And yes, he’s still scared. Terrified. But if he’s learned anything over the past couple months it’s that isolation does nothing for him—if anything, it makes everything worse. He needs friends and he needs Junmyeon and there’s no reason he shouldn’t have them. And Junmyeon’s right—Hayun is big enough that she’d be fine if he got kicked out. What’s best for his health has to come first. He knows it won’t be easy. But it’s what he has to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading!!
> 
> (also, whom else is DEAD AND DEAD over exo's comeback!!!!!)


	27. [27]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a very short filler chapter so that I can have time to edit the next one... i'll post 28 tonight (probably)! in the meantime, enjoy ^^

It is first grade, during recess, and Baekhyun’s favorite thing is the swings. It’s a nice vantage point to watch all the playground drama unfold. He likes the rush of the wind against his face and he’s not sure why, but it’s even better when he closes his eyes.

 

His eyes are open today, though. And he doesn’t miss it.

 

He doesn’t miss it when two little boys around his age come wandering into the playground with their hands clasped, just like the little girl and the little boy on the other side. And he doesn’t miss it when another little girl comes up and angrily tears their hands apart. 

 

“That’s not how it’s supposed to work,” she says crossly. “It’s like trying to attached the fronts of two trains on the magnetic train set in the playroom. You’re the same kind of magnet, so you should repel each other.”

 

The boys stare at her for a moment, and then finally one says, “But… human’s aren’t magnets like that.”

 

“It’s the same thing!” she insists. “Taewook, you’re a boy and so is Wonjae, and boys are supposed to hold hands with girls, not each other.”

 

“But what if I want to hold hands with Taewookie?” Wonjae counters. Baekhyun gets an uncomfortable feeling in his tummy when he sees the girl clench her hands to fists. “You can’t tell us what to do.”

 

“I’m saying it’s the way things are,” the girl says. “If boys hold hands with each other, it’s not fair to the girls. It’s like how you have a mom and a dad. You don’t have two dads. Boys and girls are built to be together—they can balance each other out. If it’s two of one kind, they tip to one side, and lose balance, and they’re unstable.” She holds her hand out, sharply, to Taewook. “You can hold hands with me.”

 

“I don’t want to,” Taewook says, snatching his hand back.

 

“You’re stupid!” the girl spits and stalks away. 

 

Baekhyun watches as Taewook and Wonjae look at each other uncertainly for a few moments. He watches as their hands twitch toward one another’s but despite their insistence that what they were doing wasn’t wrong, they can’t bring themselves to hold hands again because the girl has sown the seed of doubt in their minds. Baekhyun doesn’t know it, not now in first grade, but it’s something they will never uproot. 

 

Now, all Baekhyun can think is that it isn’t very fair. So what they were holding hands? So what they are both boys?

 

He doesn’t understand, but something about it feels forbidden—or something, so he doesn’t ask his parents when he gets home. They have enough to worry about—his mother is pregnant with a baby sister. He isn’t quite sure what that means either.

 

So he stores this little exchange in the back of his mind to be locked away. But he always remembers it, even when he can’t trap it under his finger to examine closely. He wonders, sometimes, exactly how much of an effect it had on him, and on those two boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty for reading! scream to me abt what u think will happen or how u feel about this fic........... or about kokobop !!


	28. [28]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im back henlo

It is the morning after Junmyeon visited, and for once Baekhyun’s kind of looking forward to school. He even eats some breakfast, and he catches himself smiling a little in the mirror.

 

When he arrives at school, Junmyeon is waiting at the front doors. He holds his arms out to Baekhyun and it’s all Baekhyun can do not to run into them. He hugs Junmyeon fiercely.

 

“Good morning, baby,” Junmyeon whispers. “How did you sleep?”

 

“Morning, Daddy. Better than I have in a while,” Baekhyun replies, and it all rolls off his tongue like they were never apart. He hears Junmyeon give a little gasp but he doesn’t say anything about it. He surprised himself, even, so Junmyeon ought to be as well. “How did you sleep?”

 

“I slept well. I was a little worried about you, but I always am.” Junmyeon searches Baekhyun’s gaze. “Did you eat breakfast?”

 

“I had a few bites of egg,” Baekhyun says.

 

“Really? I’m proud of you.” Junmyeon smiles. “Are you hungry still, though? I made a couple little rice balls in case, and…” He holds up a little bag.

 

“Thanks,” Baekhyun says softly. “I was going to buy lunch, but that sounds a lot better than rubbery cafeteria food.” 

 

“Let me put it in your bag for you,” Junmyeon says, and Baekhyun turns around for him so that he can unzip the second pocket of Baekhyun’s backpack. “All set.”

 

“Thank you.” Baekhyun turns back around.

 

“Shall we go?” Junmyeon carefully ushered Baekhyun into the building in front of him.

 

“Will we have to talk to your… our friends, today?” Baekhyun asks him as they duck into the cool dark of the hallways.

 

“Only if you want to,” Junmyeon says. “Only if you’re comfortable. It can wait, but—I’m sure they miss you.”

 

“Maybe.”

 

Junmyeon nods. “I’m this way,” he says, pointing down another hall. “Normal place for lunch?”

 

“Yes,” Baekhyun agrees.

 

“Text me if you need anything,” Junmyeon says softly.

 

“I will. Thank you.”

 

They linger next to each other for a moment and then quickly turn and duck down different hallways.

 

At lunchtime, Baekhyun makes his way up to the roof. It’s sunny and warm, so he takes off his jacket and spreads it beneath him to sit and wait for Junmyeon. While he waits, he turns his face up to the sky and watches the clouds. There are only a few wispy ones today and the blue of the sky is so big and comforting. 

 

“Boo!” he hears, and turns to see Junmyeon crouching behind him with a big smile on his face. “Good thing you’re not sitting close to the edge this time.”

 

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says with a laugh. He scoots over on the blanket to make room for Junmyeon and Junmyeon sits. Baekhyun takes the rice balls Junmyeon made out of his bag and settles to eat them. “Did you really visit Hayun?”

 

“Yes,” Junmyeon says, grinning. “She had my number, did you know? She texted me saying she wasn’t sure if she should be angry at me because you seemed very sad but kept saying it wasn’t my fault, so she didn’t know what to do.” Junmyeon glances at Baekhyun with a soft sad look in his eyes. “She was so worried about you, Baekhyun. I was so worried about you. I didn’t—I tried to approach you, that one time, but you didn’t seem to want any of it, and I—I don’t know. Every night I went to sleep wondering if maybe you wouldn’t be at school the next day—if maybe you’d be gone—dead. And It would be my fault.”

 

“It wouldn’t be your fault,” Baekhyun says, leaning his head against Junmyeon’s shoulder.

 

Junmyeon kisses the top of his head. “I made you unhappy,” he murmurs.

 

“No.”

 

“I did.”

 

“Maybe. Not on purpose. I made you unhappy not on purpose, too.”

 

“Let’s not do that anymore.”

 

“Okay. I’ll be braver,” Baekhyun agrees, and he means it.

 

“I’ll be better,” Junmyeon replies, giving him another kiss.

 

Baekhyun gets a strange, open feeling on his arms then and realizes that Junmyeon is staring at them, at his wrists.

 

He turns them over quickly and looks up at Junmyeon.

 

“Baekhyun, those were…” Junmyeon reaches feebly for one of Baekhyun’s hands.

 

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun mutters. He feels like his stomach and his heart are plummeting all six stories from the roof that they are sitting on, to the floor of the basement below.

 

“No—you don’t have to be sorry.” Junmyeon says, gently turning Baekhyun’s arms back over. Most of the cuts have faded, though a few are new, and are an angry red. “Oh, baby,” he says. “This isn’t fair to you.” He runs his thumbs over the lines gently. “These looks so… bright. So red.”

 

“It’s a long story.”

 

“Start at the beginning?”

 

And what choice does Baekhyun have? He has to trust Junmyeon and he has to be braver. And how else can he explain without sounding stupid? So he starts at the beginning, with freshman year and the boys and the girls and the starving, and how it all came back. He tries to gentle it, tries to make it seem coincidental, but Junmyeon isn’t dumb.

 

“I should have known something like this would happen,” Junmyeon whispers fiercely. “Oh god, what if it got really bad one night and you just—? I didn’t know—I never knew all of this.” He takes Baekhyun’s face in his hands, cupping his cheeks and looking at him intently. “I’m so glad you’re here, I’m so glad you survived all of this—all of this hell life decided to throw at you. I’ll be here, from now on, I’ll shield you from it.” Baekhyun notices Junmyeon’s eyes are brimming with tears. “I love you. I want you to be happy.”

 

“I want me to be happy too,” Baekhyun whispers back. 

 

“I’ll help you.” Junmyeon kisses Baekhyun’s forehead.

 

“I’m okay, really. I’m not—I’m not going to kill myself. I don’t want to die.”

 

Junmyeon gives him a watery smile. “Well,” he says. “That’s good to hear.”

 

* * *

 

A week passes and Baekhyun somehow still manages to dodge his old friend group, sticking to Junmyeon during lunch and sometimes after school. But in the middle of the next week, he gets cornered by Chanyeol.

 

“Listen, buddy,” Chanyeol says, and it’s kind of intimidating because the guy is like 185 centimeters of muscle—which, granted, Baekhyun hadn’t really seen him use other than to help old ladies lift heavy things, but still. “What is going on? Are you and Junmyeon talking again? Do you hate us?”

 

“I don’t hate you!” Baekhyun squeaks. “It’s—it’s very complicated.”

 

Chanyeol sighs. “Sorry. I’m not trying to be mean. It’s just that—you look… not good. Not like, you look ugly—uh, like, you look unwell. And I miss going to dinner and movies with you. You were really fun… and then you disappeared. Everyone wants to know what happened.”

 

“Can I… get back to you on that one?” Baekhyun says, looking for an escape. "I promise I’ll tell everyone. Just—not right now.”

 

“Fine,” Chanyeol agrees. “But soon—it’s weird now. Things are weird and… I don’t know. It’s weird.”

 

“Okay,” Baekhyun says, and turns and walks very quickly down the hall.

 

At lunch, Baekhyun tells Junmyeon what happened.

 

“Oh. Well,” he says, “Do you want to tell them today?”

 

Baekhyun shrugs. “It sounds like we have to.”

 

“You don’t have to.”

 

“No, I shouldn’t keep putting it off,” he replies. “If I do that, the end of the school year will come before I know it and we still won’t have solved it.”

 

“All right.” Junmyeon pulls out his phone. “I’ll text them. We’ll meet after school in an empty classroom, okay?”

 

“‘Kay.” Baekhyun sits in silence as Junmyeon sends out the text.

 

“What do you want to tell them?”

 

“The truth,” Baekhyun says, looking at Junmyeon, confused.

 

“I mean, obviously. But how do we want to say it?”

 

“I’m gay, you and I dated, I was worried about my parents finding out so we broke up, since I didn’t want to tell anyone, I had to isolate myself, it was a bad idea, we’re back together now and I’m coming out. To them. Yes?” Baekhyun rattled off quickly.

 

“No details?”

 

“Why would they need more detail than that?”

 

“They worry about you.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because you’re their friend.”

 

“Okay, but—I don’t know what else they’d want to know.” Baekhyun shifts uncomfortably.

 

“It’s okay,” Junmyeon says. “Okay, how about you just said that, then, and if they have questions, they’ll ask.”

 

“Okay,” Baekhyun agrees.

 

“It’ll be okay,” Junmyeon says. 

 

“I believe you.”

 

And so after school Baekhyun meets everyone in an empty classroom that Junmyeon procured. His throat feels dry; his lungs, strangled, but he knows this is the first step to freedom and good things. 

 

As soon as he enters the room, Sehun stands up and crosses to him and just hugs him. He’s so tall that Baekhyun’s head fits right in his chest and it’s weird and kind of nice, and Baekhyun just lets him hug him.

 

“What?” he asks softly after a few moments.

 

“We missed you, you idiot,” Sehun replies in his usual snarky tone. “I missed you.” He stepped back to sit beside Jongin. “Tell us what happened, hyung.”

 

“O-okay,” Baekhyun says, shaky. He glances over at Junmyeon; he nods and smiles at him. “Um. I have something to tell you guys. I’m—I’m gay.”

 

There is a split second of silence, and then Kyungsoo asks, “So… what? Did you think we were gonna hate you for it?”

 

“No,” Baekhyun says. “Because, uh, Junmyeon came out to me and told me you guys knew. And also, uh.” Baekhyun fidgeted. “He and I were dating.”

 

“You were _what!_ ” Yifan all but shrieks. Jongdae pounds on the desk he’s sitting on; Luhan clutches Minseok and yells, shaking him. Yixing just kind of stares at them, while Jongin and Sehun howl with laughter behind him. Kyungsoo’s jaw has practically dropped to the floor, and Chanyeol and Zitao are both spluttering.

 

“Why didn’t you _tell_ us?” Zitao finally forces out incredulously. 

 

“I was… scared. I’m not sure if my parents are cool with it, and so I haven’t really told anyone except Hayun—my little sister—and now you guys. I was afraid that the more people I told, the more likely it would be to get out—and… Oh. I don’t know.” Baekhyun tries to give them a smile, but it comes out more like a grimace. “I was scared. That’s all.”

 

“So, what happened that made you… leave?” Yixing asks gently.

 

“I broke up with Junmyeon because I was terrified about my parents finding out. It was… so stressful. I thought it would make things better. And I couldn’t explain why things were awkward with me and him, so I just… isolated myself.” He looks up at them. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not explaining anything and I’m sorry for making you worry.”

 

“Are you… you know, okay?” Kyungsoo asks. “Not to be, like… nosy. But you look thin and pale and sickly, frankly.”

 

“I’m getting better,” Baekhyun reassures him, hoping it is true. “Thanks. Anyway, we’re, uh, back together now and I’ve come out to you and I think I’m going to come out to my parents soon, because I can’t live like this anymore.”

 

“Hey… dude, this is really brave of you,” Jongdae pipes up. “I want you to know that. Like, it’s hard. It’s gotta be hard, but you’re doing it. And that’s really cool of you. Yeah? So no matter what your parents end up saying, I think I can speak for all of us when I say that you will not only have Junmyeon’s support, but also the rest of ours.”

 

Baekhyun sees vigorous nods of agreement, and his vision swims a little. “Thank you guys,” he chokes out.

 

“Aw, don’t cry!” Minseok says, chuckling and hopping off the desk. “Are you busy today? We should celebrate. This is a big deal. Let’s go get a meal together!”

 

“Yeah!” Chanyeol and Jongin agree. Baekhyun finds himself laughing as everyone else swarms towards him and wraps him in a big group hug. They stumble out of the classroom as a blob, some still chanting about _dinner_ and _chicken,_ others just giggling. Junmyeon ends up right at Baekhyun’s side, and even as they trip over each other’s feet, they smile, big and bright, right at each other.

 

“I told you it would be okay,” Junmyeon whispers.

 

“I know,” Baekhyun replies. “Thank you.”

 

“Don’t thank me. You did amazing. I’m proud of you, baby,” Junmyeon says.

 

Somehow the group has forced itself out into the sunlight. Baekhyun is momentarily blinded and he closes his eyes against the glare, throwing his head back and laughing open-mouthed and open-chested, not a wisp of smoke in sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment and let me know what you think!! thanks for reading as always. if u wanna come yeLL at me on tumblr, it's [here](https://www.suhos-lotto.tumblr.com/ask)!


	29. [29]

It is stlll not easy. Easier, certainly—now their friends know why they stick so close to each other’s sides, why they’re always over at each other’s houses, why Baekhyun is so jumpy and why Junmyeon is so gentle with him. 

 

“How am I supposed to say it?” Baekhyun asks all of them. 

 

“Write a letter,” Yixing suggests.

 

“Permanent,” Baekhyun points out. “I have to _say_ it.”

 

“Just, like, tell them over dinner,” Minseok says. “Like Junmyeon did. Just kinda… drop it on them, and then if they don’t react well, just run out of the house. Maybe pack some stuff up first.”

 

“Where would I go?” Baekhyun asks.

 

“Junmyeon’s house,” Luhan says, looking at him like he’s dumb.

 

It’s a plan, but it’s not a good one. And yet, it may be the best option Baekhyun has. Still, he wallows and hesitates. It’s just so scary—he tells Junmyeon all of this and Junmyeon just gives him a sad smile and fold him into his chest.

 

“I know,” he says. “I know. Hey—why don’t you call that Myunghwa girl? You guys have been talking recently—maybe she’ll have some ideas.”

 

“Yeah, maybe,” Baekhyun agrees.

 

He does call her, a few days later. It’s true that they’ve been texting more now—Myunghwa says all their friends are glad to hear that she’s hearing from him and that they all say hi, that physics is really shitty and he better count his lucky stars he missed out on that class—so it’s less weird of him to call now.

 

“Baekhyun, hi!” Myunghwa says when she picks up. “How are things?”

 

“I didn’t want to put it in writing, but I came out to my friend group last week,” Baekhyun says, settling into his bed. “They are all very supportive, so… that’s good.”

 

“That is good,” Myunghwa says insistently. “Really good. I’m glad. So? Are you going to tell your parents, or are you going to wait?”

 

“I don’t know,” Baekhyun replies. “I don’t know how to tell them—I don’t know what to say.”

 

“That’s okay,” Myunghwa soothes. “I think… I think perhaps setting up a really formal conversation with them might not be the best way to go, because—like, it’ll be awkward, and they might assume it’s something else and stew about it…”

 

“Yeah. Most people are saying I should just spring it on them at dinner sometime. Pack some stuff up beforehand, so that if they get angry, I can just nope right out of the house,” Baekhyun tells her.

 

Myunghwa laughs softly. “Honestly? That might be your best bet. Make sure you have a place to go first, and choose a good day to do it—like, if it’s raining and you have far to walk, maybe choose a different day. It should be a day that they aren’t terribly distracted by something else. And—you said your little sister knew—maybe warn her before you do it. Or like, even start talking to her now, you know?”

 

“Ah, yes. I should talk to Hayun. And I should probably talk to Junmyeon’s parents—I mean, I think they’ll be understanding since, you know, they know _he’s_ gay. And I’m pretty sure they’ve kind of figured it out by now, what with all the time I spend at his place.” Baekhyun scratches his ear. “And Junmyeon’s mom likes me, so I don’t think she’d mind.”

 

“Yeah, that would probably be a good thing—‘hey, by the way, I’m gonna come out to my parents soon and might get kicked out. Can I stay here? Oh, and I’’m dating your son. Surprise!’” Myunghwa laughs again.

 

“Please, I’m going to do it better than that.”

 

“I know.” Myunghwa gives a soft sigh. “You can do it. How’s the eating?”

 

“Better. Junmyeon makes sure I get at least two good meals on a day. I usually can manage myself now—I’m kinda bad about dinner, still, sometimes, and breakfast, but it’s happening.” Baekhyun nods to himself. “It’s happening. I gained a kilo since last week.”

 

“Good,” Myunghwa says. “That’s really good. I’m really proud of you.”

 

“Thank you,” Baekhyun says.

 

“Hey, I gotta go, my mom’s calling. But—good luck, okay? Things will get better. They are already.”

 

“Thank you,” Baekhyun repeats “Talk later.”

 

He sets his phone aside to charge and pads down the stairs to Hayun’s room, and knocks on her door. “Hey, Hayun?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Can I come in?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Baekhyun pushes the door open, stepping inside and shutting the door behind him with a click. “Hey.”

 

“Hi.” Hayun shoves her math homework away. “I’m glad you’re doing better. I’m also glad I get to see Junmyeon-oppa not in secret anymore.”

 

“Me too,” Baekhyun says with a laugh. “Hey, so I might be tell Appa and Eomma soon. Probably over dinner sometime. I don’t know how they’ll react, so I’m going to pack up beforehand and I might have to leave. I’ll probably go to Junmyeon’s place. I just wanted to let you know. Will you be okay here by yourself if that happens.”

 

Hayun nods vigorously. “Yes. I’m big enough to look after myself. I don’t think that will happen, though.” She gives him a sweet smile. “But no matter what, I’ll always love you.”

 

Baekhyun crosses the room and hugs her. “I love you, too. Stay safe, okay? Even if I’m gone.”

 

“I will. Oppa, you’re crushing me.”

 

“Sorry!”

 

* * *

 

Baekhyun goes over to Junmyeon’s house a few days later with the intention of talking to his mother. After dinner, he insists on staying and helping her wash the dishes. Junmyeon hovers at the edge of the room, unsure of how to help, but Baekhyun finds his presence comforting.

 

“Um, Mrs. Kim—can I ask you for something?” Baekhyun stutters out as they’re finally finishing all the dishes.

 

“All right.” She dries her hands on a dish towel and turns to face him.

 

“I’m—I’m gay, and my parents don’t know. I’m afraid to tell them. If, when I tell them, they don’t react well—could I… could I come crash here for a couple days, maybe?”

 

A sad look crosses Mrs. Kim’s face. “Oh, absolutely,” she says softly. “Of course. I want you to be safe. And I know Junmyeon won’t mind you living with him.”

 

“Thank you,” Baekhyun gasps out, suddenly realizing how nervous he had been. “Thank you so much.”

 

Mrs. Kim folds him into a warm hug. “Don’t worry,” she whispers. “I won’t tell anybody. You’re very brave. I hope your parents will accept you and love you for who you are. I have faith that they will.” She leaned back. “Souls fall in love with other souls and souls don’t have gender. Your soul fits perfectly with Junmyeon’s from what I can see. You just both happen to be boys.”

 

“Eomma!” Junmyeon yelps. “You _knew?_ ”

 

Mrs. Kim gives her son a rather scathing look. “Of course I knew. You two are ridiculous around each other.”

 

Baekhyun feels himself turning red, but Junmyeon, to his surprise, just grins and shrugs. “It’s hard not to love him.”

 

“You should tell them,” Mrs. Kim says to Baekhyun. “But only when you’re ready, okay?”

 

“I know,” Baekhyun says. He takes a shaky breath. “I’m ready, I think. I’m just worried.”

 

“That’s okay.” Mrs. Kim smiles at him, still, and Baekhyun’s vision swims as he looks between her and her son. They are both so alike. 

 

_Does my mother see herself in me? Will she want to, after all of this?_

 

* * *

 

Baekhyun wants to do it, but packing discreetly is so hard. The suitcases are downstairs and it seems like his parents are just home all the time now, so he doesn’t get a chance to go grab them. His throat closes when he’s around his parents, too—he can’t say anything at all because what if it all comes tumbling out, all at once like that? And if he’s not prepared, and he hasn’t warned Hayun, or Junmyeon and his family—he just can’t.

 

He feels paralyzed with fear sometimes. Sometimes it seems like all he wants to do is scream up to the sky that he’s _gay, in love with the most beautiful boy in the world, scared, unhappy, trapped_ but it never comes out, and he’s glad. Sometimes he feels like being mute forever is the best option. 

 

Only Junmyeon can coax sentences out of him as Baekhyun gets tenser and tenser. He kisses down Baekhyun’s throat, chest, tummy, until he’s either falling apart under Junmyeon’s hands or giggling deliriously from how much it tickles and Junmyeon’s kind eyes are always there to make him feel safe. But it doesn’t last. The safety is fleeting and when it leaves Baekhyun is reminded again of all the things in his life that could change just by saying two words. 


	30. [30]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another filler chapter sorta while I sort out the next one enjoy

It is early winter and Baekhyun’s still getting used to this whole _having a boyfriend_ thing. 

 

Junmyeon is great, and Baekhyun is kind of ass over teacups for him, as his grandpa would say. But when they’re together, there’s still this vague, haunting feeling that someone is watching, or that someone will find out and then everything will be awful.

 

He does voice it to Junmyeon, a little bit, just because it’s a lot to think about sometimes. Junmyeon promises him they’ll be careful, and tells him not to worry, and it helps, a little bit, but not a lot.

 

He gets all tense when his mom says stuff like, “You two seem pretty close” and “You seem so much happier lately. How’s Junmyeon?” but it never leads to where he fears it’ll lead. Sometimes he imagines making it all the way to college without his parents finding out, but it’s two and a half years out and Baekhyun’s pretty sure the safe little bubble isn’t going to last. 

 

But still, things are good. Baekhyun’s mother is right—he is happier. All the bad things that happened over the last year kind of fade into the background when he’s with Junmyeon, and so does the fear. It’s not sharp, more like a faint, pulsing being in the back of his mind that reminds him of its presence when he has nothing better to think about. And sure, it gives his heart a little jolt, but it’s pretty harmless.

 

He does take to practicing in the mirror at home, just like Junmyeon did, though he definitely checks to make sure his parents are out before he does it. It’s hard to say out loud, even when he’s sure there’s no one else to hear. But he says it and it’s all right, sort of. It’s just two, short words and together they hold so much weight. Baekhyun knows Hayun hears him practicing because she gives him these little smiles when their parents aren’t looking. He usually crosses his eyes and sticks his tongue out at her in response.

 

But as much as he practices, he cannot imagine ever sitting down to dinner and saying those words. Letting them hang over the big pot of rice and the steam from the chicken in the silence that he knows will follow. So he just keeps his fear in that little imaginary space inside his head, where it can’t plague his real life and it can’t plague Junmyeon.

 

His favorite date spot with Junmyeon these days is the park down the block. It’s nice because they can pretend like they’re kids and that nothing matters. Also, there’s two swings on the swing set and they’re perfect for any kind of day. Baekhyun closes his eyes when he swings and soaks in all the feelings and the sounds of Junmyeon’s laughter, and tries to preserve it in his mind for bad days. _I will never be this young or this wild, and these are things that are worth saving. This is something I’ve never had before and may never have again and this is the only sure way to make it all last._

 

Junmyeon doesn’t seem to notice, though he does take care to remind Baekhyun that he’s safe and that Junmyeon won’t ever do anything to hurt him. Baekhyun gets the distinct impression that Junmyeon may be just as afraid of losing Baekhyun as Baekhyun is afraid of losing Junmyeon. It’s for different reasons—or it would be if it were true, but how can it be, when Baekhyun views himself as a garbage fire and views Junmyeon as some kind of angel?

 

He knows it’s a little unhealthy, but Junmyeon hasn’t given any sign of being anything other than that, so Baekhyun just kind of rolls with it and assumes that if something changes with Junmyeon down the road, so will his perception of him, and it will be fine.

 

It will be just fine.


	31. [31]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as you may have noticed, I finally put how many chapters there will be in total--and this is the second to last one!!! Thank you to those of you who have gone through this little journey together with me. Your support is what kept me writing ^^. Anyway, it's not time for goodbye quite yet, so please enjoy!

It is something about waiting and waiting. The smoke is still there, certainly, but it has a sort of acrid tang to it now—anger. _Why_ does Baekhyun have to hide, really? Why does he have to be scared? Why is it that queer kids have to hurt and agonize so much over something so trivial? Junmyeon’s a boy, and so’s Baekhyun and that shouldn’t stop them from loving like this. Shouldn’t it?

 

This, mixed with the fearful tension, makes for a very unstable state of being and one night, halfway through dinner, Baekhyun literally cannot take it anymore. It’s silent, too silent, and he’s just had enough, and he’s so angry and so _tired—_

 

He sets down his chopsticks rather aggressively, and even though sirens are going off in his head because _you didn’t warn Hayun or the Kims and you haven’t packed a thing_ —he blurts, “Guys, I have to tell you something. I’m gay. I’ve been dating Junmyeon these past few months.”

 

Hayun gapes at him, her eyes flicking nervously between him and their parents. And their parents— _this is the worst part,_ Baekhyun thinks. Their parents just stare. 

 

The stillness and silence makes it seem like time has frozen, only Baekhyun’s heart thudding in his chest tells him it’s not. Once it’s evident no one is going to be saying anything, Baekhyun jerks out of his seat and bolts down the hall, banging open the closet and dragging a big suitcase out before hauling it down to his room. 

 

Once he’s there, he begins pulling things willy-nilly out of his dresser and his closet. He’s sort of got a packing list in his head. He reaches for his toiletry bag and chucks it haphazardly into the suitcase, and then a pile of shirts, then some pants, some underwear—he spots the heel of one of his old dress shoes. The pair isn’t with it. He searches through his closet, but he can only find the right shoe. It is very possible that the left one is buried under the small piles of clothes strewn about the floor, but he doesn’t have time to look for it. _Maybe I should just leave some things behind. It’s not that important._ But what if he needs it, later?

 

He continues dashing about his room, finding random and vaguely useful things to take with him—extra paper and pencils, a water bottle, and then—

 

“Here.” His head shoots up and he comes face to face with the left shoe. His mother is holding it out to him. “It’s here.” Unsure of what do to or say, he takes it and places it in the suitcase. _Does this mean she wants me to go?_ As soon as he puts the shoe down, she takes his wrists. “Baekhyun,” she says softly. “You can go if you want to go, but will you please stop for a second and listen?”

He doesn’t know what to do. He lets her sit down next to him on the bed.

“Look at me,” she says. He does, wrenches his gaze away from the shoes, now paired, pressed sole to sole in the corner of his suitcase. Her eyes are glassy. “Do you really think I care who you love?” she asks. “I just want you to be happy.” She releases one of his wrists and brings that hand up to his face where she cups his cheek. “I thought you knew that.” Her voice breaks. “I’m sorry for not making that clearer, I’m sorry that you felt like you had to hide an entire side of yourself from me.” She moves her other hand from his wrist to his palm, squeezes it gently. “You are my baby boy, my firstborn and my joy, and I am so glad that Junmyeon is in your life. And this house, this house will still be your home as long as you want to call it that.”

Baekhyun is crying now. He tucks his chin into his chest. His shoulders shake. “Eomma,” he whispers.

She scoots closer and folds him into her chest, kissing the top of his head, and rocks him. He thinks she is crying, too. And suddenly there is a new set of arms around him too, and he peeks out from over his mother’s shoulder and sees his father kneeling beside the bed, head bowed.

“I’m sorry,” he hears his father say.

“You are safe here with us,” his mother murmurs, stroking his hair. “You will always be safe here.”

“Thank you,” Baekhyun chokes out. “I’m sorry—I’ve just been so scared for the past couple years, and I never knew if it was okay, and I didn’t really want to find out, either, but I had to now—but none of that really matters since it didn’t go the way I was afraid it would.”

 

“I told you so!” Hayun squeaks from the doorway, her eyes shining with tears. “I told you so!” She runs over to them and squirms her way into the middle of the hug. “Now we have to throw Oppa a party because I promised I would if he ever came out to you. And,” she adds, giving Baekhyun a very serious look. “You have to call Junmyeon-oppa right away so that everyone can stop worrying! I’m glad I’m not worried anymore.”

 

Baekhyun’s parents laugh and he laughs, too, and Hayun can’t help but laugh with them as well. And this time, it really does feel like letting go. Baekhyun’s chest is empty for the first time in years and he’s laughing and crying all at the same time, but somehow that’s okay, too.

 

* * *

 

“Junmyeon, guess what,” Baekhyun says as soon as his boyfriend picks up, trying to sound calm.

 

“What?” Junmyeon asks warily.

 

“I came out to my parents and they don’t hate me.”

 

Junmyeon shrieks.

 

“I know, it’s kind of wild—they’re totally fine with it, and Hayun is making them help her throw me a party, but I’m kind of suspicious that they’re actually planning a wedding—our wedding?” Baekhyun laughs nervously. “So, uh, sounds like I’m not going to be crashing your house after all.”

 

“This is great! I’m so happy!” Junmyeon is cheering from the other end. “Am I invited to the party, if it’s not a wedding?”

 

“I hope so,” Baekhyun says.

 

“Can I tell everyone?”

 

“Yeah, that would actually be great. I should probably call Myunghwa.”

 

“You do that. Baekhyun,” Junmyeon adds. “I am so proud of you. I know you didn’t really plan it all the way, but you are so brave and now, you’re being rewarded for it.”

 

“Let’s be as public as possible,” Baekhyun says suddenly. “I don’t even care. Now that my parents have my back, I do not care who gives me shit about this.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes, absolutely.”

 

“Eomma!” Junmyeon calls, sounding a little distant. “Guess what! Baekhyun came out to his parents very suddenly today and everything is okay!”

 

“That’s great!” Baekhyun hears Mrs. Kim call back, very faintly. “Tell him congratulations!”

 

“My mom says congratulations,” Junmyeon says, his voice closer to the phone again.”

 

“I heard her,” Baekhyun says, laughing. “Okay, I should call Myunghwa quickly, and then go do some damage control on this party before Hayun takes things too far. See you tomorrow! Love you!”

 

“Love you too!”

 

Baekhyun gives himself a moment to breathe (and to giggle) before dialing Myunghwa.

 

“Did you do it?” she asks immediately.

 

“Yes! And it’s all okay!” Baekhyun cannot contain his excitement any longer.

 

“In the admittedly short time that I’ve known you,” Myunghwa says. “I’ve never heard you sound this happy.”

 

“I… I don’t think I’ve ever _been_ this happy,” Baekhyun replies.

 

“So what now?”

 

“So Junmyeon and I can stop hiding, and I can stop feeling like death all the time.”

 

“Well,” Myunghwa says with a laugh. “That’s good.”

 

“Uh, Hayun is trying to throw me a party. You… you should come. I want to see you,” Baekhyun says.

 

Warmth floods Myunghwa’s voice. “I would love that,” she says. “I really, really would.”


	32. [32]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow hello this is last chapter

It is nearly summer and Baekhyun is pretending to be asleep. He smells the fresh morning air drift in through the window and mingle with the scent of Junmyeon trying to make breakfast downstairs. He smiles to himself and nestles deeper into the blankets.   
  
After a few minutes, Baekhyun hears the telltale creak outside the door. Junmyeon slips in with just the faintest whispering of fabric and gently crawls onto the bed. “Baby,” he murmurs, running a hand through Baekhyun’s hair. “Time to get up.”   
  
“Time’s an illusion,” Baekhyun mumbles back, squinting against the light.   
  
“I made breakfast and illusion or not, in a very short amount of time, it’ll get cold,” Junmyeon replies, squishing Baekhyun’s cheeks with his hands so that he can’t talk back. “Come on. We wanted to go to the park today.”   
  
Myunghwa was meeting them there, along with their friends. She had gotten to meet them at Hayun’s party and had immediately taken a liking. It was mutual, so they were hanging out again.   
  
“I’m up,” he says, using Junmyeon as an anchor to pull himself into a sitting position. He rubs his eyes and gives Junmyeon a sweet kiss on the lips. Junmyeon kisses him back, captures one wrist in his hand, using the other to wrangle Baekhyun into his lap.    
  
“Your breath stinks,” he says, and Baekhyun laughs.    
  
“Let me go so I can brush my teeth, then, damn.”   
  
“Mm, no.”   
  
They sit for a bit, just watching the light dance off of each other’s skin.   
  
“What was that about the food getting cold?” Baekhyun finally asks.   
  
“You’re right.” Junmyeon stands, steadying Baekhyun so that he isn’t deposited into a graceless heap on the floor. “Go brush your teeth. I’ll make sure it’s still edible.”   
  
Twenty minutes later, they are in the kitchen, laughing and talking as they clean up the dishes. Baekhyun flicks soap bubbles at Junmyeon's neck and Junmyeon gets his hands full of soap and chases Baekhyun around the kitchen until he catches him and smears it all over Baekhyun's t-shirt.    
  
They wash up and change into more outside-y clothes, and head down to the park. Myunghwa is already there, chatting with Jongdae and Minseok and Sehun.    
  
"Hi!" she calls cheerily when she spots them.   
  
"Hi!" Baekhyun yells back, grinning.    
  
"You smell like dish soap," Sehun observes, eyeing Baekhyun.    
  
Baekhyun gives him a look. "Well," he says dramatically, "you can blame that one on Junmyeon."   
  
"I did not start that. You did. You only have yourself to blame." Junmyeon looks up at the other four. "Honestly, no respect."   
  
"Ooh, is the lovely couple fighting this early in the morning?" Luhan pops up between them, slinging an arm over each of their shoulders.    
  
Kyungsoo smacks Luhan lightly across the back of his head.  "They've had enough fighting and trouble for ten lifetimes, don't egg them on, moron."   
  
"Yeah, Luhan," Zitao snarks, and then deftly ducks out of range when Luhan goes to flick his forehead.    
  
"Myunghwa," Jongin says very sincerely, "why do you hang out with us? How do you put up with twelve obnoxious, smelly boys all at once? I can barely do it, and I'm one of them."   
  
Myunghwa grins, and reaches out to wrangle Chanyeol and Kris, who were play wrestling, apart, pinning one to each of her sides. "You may be obnoxious, smelly boys but at least your my obnoxious, smelly boys. Right?"   
  
"Right," they all chorus.   
  
"Besides," she adds. "I only really have to put up with eleven. Yixing is a little angel and you all know it."   
  
Yixing smiles sweetly and no one can really find fault in the statement.    
  
They spend all day at the park, pushing each other on swings and chasing each other up and down and around all the play equipment. They have a picnic of Kyungsoo's homemade kimbap and Baekhyun lays back with Junmyeon and they watch the clouds together.    
  
And when Baekhyun finally goes home, opening his front door isn't scary. Hayun greets him happily and asks him to help with her math homework while their father cooks dinner. Their mother comes home and checks in on them, and later, they eat dinner as a family.    
  
The smoke is gone. The salt, too. It's weird to lose the shield, but Baekhyun reminds himself every day that he doesn’t need it. He has his family and his friends instead, and it really is better.    
  
And he and Junmyeon, there's not much else for them to learn. Imagine having an easy life, Baekhyun muses to himself. I wouldn't know shit! But now I can take care of myself and I know what's good for me and what's not, and what I like and want, and what I don't, and I know how to heal the inside wounds, too.   
  
He's pretty sure the worst times of his life are finally over. Everything is clean, and his heart feels lighter. He knows Junmyeon's does too. He feels it when he breathes, hears it when he laughs, tastes it when they kiss.    
  
They are young and wild and in love, and free to be all of those things and more. And Baekhyun knows they will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you thank you for reading this whole..... mess... ;;  
> if you want more of my writing, I have some other fics up... i should be adding a scarlet heart ryeo one and a krisoo one and maybe even another ot12 exo one... shortly so keep an eye out for those! thank you again!!!!  
> if u wanna still keep in touch lol my tumblr is [here](http://www.suhos-lotto.tumblr.com)!


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